Saturday, June 25, 2011

God, you should’ve made me gay--it would’ve made things easier for everyone


A short while back, I was doing the usual chit-chat with my friends (& coworkers) Julie, Erin & Kathy and I can’t recall what (or who) we were talking about, but I knew I was getting a little carried away with things when I suddenly felt the need to say “I think I need to remind everyone that I like girls—not boys.  GIRLS.  NOT BOYS.”  Julie replied  “Well, I wish you were gay.  Gay guys are cool and I could use a good gay friend.”

(Left to right, Julie Erin & Kathy)

Isn’t she a hoot?  Well, the reason I even mention any of this is because very recently, someone from my past re-emerged, and when I informed my sister Shawn, she said “Doug I never told you this because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but years ago that person told me you were gay, and when I said they were wrong, I was told to grow up.”   What!

THAT STINKS.   Not because some yahoo thought I was gay, who cares.  And not because they outed me to my sister, Shawn knows me better than anyone else on this planet & would’ve been the first to know anyway.  (For crying out loud, Shawn knew I had about 200 girlie magazines squirreled away in my bedroom back then and they weren’t for show, they cost good money!) 

No it stinks to high heaven because if this person had no problem letting my sister in on the big secret then God knows who else that was said to.  This was twenty-odd years ago, for all I know it could’ve been the reason Charlie (my girlfriend at the time) broke up with me—she “got the scoop” and high-tailed it outta there.  And I was none the wiser! 

Me & Charlotte (aka Charlie), 1984—man I sure had her fooled!  Or did I…

Okay, in all honesty I don’t think that’s the real reason why Charlotte & I split up, and if you really want the truth I’m not surprised some people thought I was gay either.  I’ve never tried to impress anyone with my big brawny masculinity, and the more I think about it, I’m surprised only one person has tried to pull me out of that closet.


Here’s a Top Ten list of things that might make people question my heterosexuality, dammit:


10.  I’m the only one of six kids that never married

 Why is that?  As a kid, my parents thought I was girl-crazy.  Once when I was in 4th grade, I came home jabbering about the girl I was going to marry, and later I overheard Dad say "That boy will be the first one to be married, mark my words."  Mom said "Yeah, well I hope he waits another year or two."  

So what happened?  Several years ago when we all came home for the holidays, Mom said "If one of my kids came to us and said 'I'm  gay', we'd love them just the same--wouldn't we Don.  WOULDN'T WE DON."  My dad just stared at her.  Finally my sister Shawn said "But mom, everyone's married" and my sister Donda said "Doug isn't!  Um… nevermind."  

 9.  “Judy Judy Judy…”

Look I know Judy Garland’s a gay icon, but what’s not to love?  Besides, I thought that her gay following began with her Vegas & Carnegie Hall concerts in 1959-1962, & I’m more a fan of Judy’s earlier work up to & including 1954’s “A Star is Born”, okay!? 

8.  The show must go on—especially if it’s an MGM musical 

I don’t know a lot of straight guys who admit to loving those old MGM musicals.  And I know even less who blog about them like I once did here.  Ugh!

 7.  Troy Polamaluwho?  

God help me, everyone I know is a big Steelers fan and I’m not.  Watching your son or daughter (or niece) play in a softball game or compete in a swim-meet is one thing, but football and baseball and hockey on tv… wait, isn’t that an old Joan Crawford movie on TCM?  Thank God!

6.  Most of my friends are women  and most of them also happen to be Steeler fans—that’s how I know who Troy is!

5.  I write with my right hand, but I pitch, bat, bowl and whisk with my left    I agree with you, what’s gay about that?   Well, my junior high gym teacher sometimes called me ‘Douglassa’ because of it--jesus that guy was a jerk!  He was probably gay, too. 

4.  I watch my share of HGTV  I don’t see anything wrong with this either, but I admit it looks bad if you’re watching ‘Divine Design’ while everyone else is tuned to the Superbowl.  Well, I needed new ideas for livingroom drapes.  

3.  Boxer briefs are the greatest invention since sliced bread 

I sure thought so, and they’re the only type of shorts I’ve worn for the last 10 years-- even when Will (on Will & Grace) made that joke about boxer briefs being the gay man’s best friend.  Aren’t straight guys allowed to be this comfortable too?

2.  I’m not very good with my Stooge act 

Why can’t I just play along with the other stooges?   I need to learn how to haw like the rest of ‘em:

MOE:  I told her she had nice legs, then asked her what time they opened for business! 

CURLY:  Haw! 

LARRY:  Haw!  Good one, Moe!

DOUG:   Oh that’s distasteful!

1.  Me thinks he doth protest too much  Seriously, how many guys my age still feel the need to remind the world they’re straight?   Gosh darn it, I’m done!  

Well, until the next time someone tries to pull me outta the teepee again, I suppose…



  1. Doug, don't let this bother you. You know who you are and to heck with what anyone else thinks.

  2. OH MY GOD! You crack me up you Judy Garland lovin' - boxer brief wearin'-HGTV watchin'-non-football watcher-lover of all women friend! I am with Julie, I wish you were gay, the straight men in my life are killing me!

    So, grab your pink cootie pajamas, turn on some Debbie Reynolds or Barbara Streispie and bake me a pie! I'll be over and we can do each other's nails!

    I grow to adore you more and more with each passing blog, Dougrass!

  3. Thanks Martin, I'm trying! And Becca, haha--I'm not quite ready for those pink pajamas just yet, but I appreciate what you said, thank you!

  4. Doug, another great post! Who are these Steelers you are talking about?

  5. Haha! Thanks Iikka, you're alright! Well, being from Finland you're excused from knowing who the Steelers are--but I think you're foolin' with me!

  6. Well, I think your American version of football is boring as hell, so you have my blessing for not watching it..

  7. Hahahaha, your topic alone made me laugh and your writing was interesting, love it.

  8. Poetic Soul--thanks very much for the kind remarks, that made my day. To be honest I had some doubts about posting this one :)

  9. I'm exactly like you in everything you list here except for the fact that I actually AM gay. But you know what, there's nothing wrong with being a sensitive and cultured man who also enjoys the pleasures of women. Good for you!

  10. Hi Travis--thanks so much for your kind words. I wrestled with posting this piece for awhile as I was afraid I was sharing a little too much, but it sure is nice to get comments like yours. Thanks again. (I may do a Part 2 now) :)

  11. Doug, I know this is an older post but I read it the other night and meant to comment on it. I think it's terrible that anyone would start an untrue, unfounded rumor about anyone. WTF is wrong with people? I'm glad that you didn't let it get to you, because I know it sure would have bugged me. In fact, I'd probably be one to put that person in their place after re-emerging 20 years later.

  12. Thanks Pam, I always appreciate your feedback! And I agree,WTF is wrong with some people--I was much younger then, just out of high school & the person who told my sister that was 20 years older. But she was a redneck too, who thought all men should be throwing back beers & hunting deer (I grew up in a small rural town, with it's share of small-minded people). Anyway, one good thing about getting old is, you just shake your head & get on with things. (But I also cut off contact with this mofo after my sister told me that!)

  13. Doug, this was hilarious, but I ALSO knew of your ginormous amount of nude girly magazines!! They were the taboo of your room! And I think it makes you MORE of a real man to admit you love musicals. :) Also that picture of you and Charlie was always one of my favorites of you, my fun handsome Jack Tripper.

  14. Wow, a new comment on this one blog after 5 years! Well, you're very sweet for reading this Donda, and for what you said here. Haha, thanks so much :)

  15. PS. It's been MANY years since I owned any nudie magazines, haha! Doggone it, I'm an old man now :)


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