Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Just got my draft notice from the AARP (well, that’s what it feels like)


Do you remember that scene in “Superman: The Movie” where Clark Kent & his mother have just buried Pa Kent, and Clark informs his now widowed Ma that he has to leave (to go to Metropolis & become Superman)?   All his poor mother can say is “I knew this day would come.”   

Well, that’s pretty much what I thought when I got my mail recently, and saw this fat white envelope with that infamous red logo—my induction into the AARP.  Yes I knew this day would come, but I thought I still had a couple months before Big Brother let me know I was officially an old man.  So I open the envelope, and there’s an application, a temporary AARP card until my official one arrives, A SWEEPSTAKES ENTRY FORM FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A SIT-DOWN WITH BETTY WHITE (I’m not joking, visit their site right here)  and finally, a warm & fuzzy letter welcoming me into the fold & reminding me that life doesn’t end at fifty—“for many people, this is when the real living begins.”  Woo-hoo!  Seriously, I could go for some real living.  

“Betty White invites you to join the AARP now!”  Y’know, I love Betty as much as the next person, but I’d rather have Helen Mirren inviting me; now THAT’S a silver fox! 

(Oh dammit, Helen’s not American.  Ok Betty, bring it...)

When I informed my friend Candace I got my induction notice, she said “Doug now you can get a discount at IHOP!”  Well, I haven’t been to one since 2008 when my younger sister lived in West Virginia, but I suppose that’s something to consider.   When I googled “what can AARP membership do for me”, I got a hundred discussion forums with people saying “an AARP card will get you hotel discounts” and another hundred people saying “you’ll get a better discount if you show your AAA card instead”.  So what else, besides a mailbox full of junk mail for AARP-endorsed insurance plans and Life Alert services?

The official AARP Magazine!

As much as I like Dustin Hoffman & Michelle Obama, I wasn’t sold until I saw Sally Field on the cover—she can still kick it.  Waitaminute, there’s an article on the AARP site of words and expressions you should stop using after you turn fifty:

Words to Ax After You’re 50 according to AARP:

  • Panties
  • Smashed, overserved, or hammered
  • “That’s sick!”
  • ”Whatever...”
  • “I’m like...” 
  • Hot  (except when referring to the weather or habaneros)
  • Kick it  (marginal even for those 50+ in a rock band)

Whatever!  It also recommends that after fifty, you stop wearing skinny jeans, gold chains & novelty t-shirts—oh fudge, this couldn’t have come at a worse time.  I recently found a place that sells cool t-shirts on the cheap & I’m in the process of updating my casual wardrobe.   (C’mon, I’m gonna be fifty years old--I’m not about to let anyone tell me what I can & cannot wear now!)  

Walgreen’s & IHOP discounts be damned, I’ve just decided I’m not ready to join the ranks of this senior crowd just yet.  Betty White, come back and see me in ten years.  Or better yet, send Sally.  

Until then, I’m going to kick it.  Smile


  1. Yep, threw mine in the trash, too! Maybe next year! DB

  2. I gotta be honest, haven't thrown mine out just yet--I'm still thinking about that nifty magazine! :)

  3. I'm glad I'm not the only getting annoyingly age related solicitations.

    Here's a couple examples of recent email titles. Seniors dating! First, I'm happily married. How did I get on this list? Second, maybe it's COLLEGE seniors! It wasn't.


  4. Hahaha--liked that 'hip replacement' notice, Dave! Well thank you for sharing, glad to know I'm not alone here :)

    I don't think AARP is waiting for me to enroll--I've already gotten some "AARP endorsed" Medicare insurance plans in the mail!

  5. I bit the bullet and joined last year. You would like the magazine Doug. Give it a year! I like the shirt too.


  6. Thanks Joe, I miss our chats on ECF--well if it's good enough for you, that's all I need to hear :)

  7. I enjoy AARP magazine! But you know, I've been 50 in the brain since 1970.

  8. Shawn if "50 since 1970" means you never did anything to worry the fsmily & was always a responsible kid, then yes--I would agree with your statement. :)

  9. Doug, I have a confession to make: I love AARP Magazine. My mother receives it, and I'll usually page through it first before handing it over to her. The reason is simple: it's often chock-full of retro pop culture stuff! Plus without fail, I always learn something from reading it, no matter what. So what the heck...I say embrace the AARP membership.

  10. Pam, I am honestly surprised at how many people (both young & old) have told me how much they like this magazine.. I never even HEARD of it until a couple weeks ago! Anyway, thank you for your input & as a matter of fact, I DID send in my membership check for this on Monday. (I just hope I don't start getting a lot of 'old people stuff' in the mail too!)

  11. Doug! Are you insane? You'll never even make it to 50 if you wear the death-inducing red shirt! Go grab a gold or blue shirt and guarantee many years of AARP Magazine reading enjoyment! Just to be safe, launch that red shirt out of the nearest photon torpedo tube!

  12. Hey Jase, long time no see! Haha, the "red warning", spoken like a true Trekker! Well Jase, I admire that--but I'm an autumn person and darn it, that red looks good on me! :)

  13. You Da Man! And I must confess.. AARP is grabbing my attention more and more lately! I tried to resist it's alluring topics, but can no longer resist its draw. If there's a copy handy.. I'm picking it up! BTW.. Killer shirt Dawg!!

  14. Hey Darrin! Thanks so much man (and yeah, I did sign up for AARP-the price was right) and a BIG thank-you for Teefury--I'm a big fan of Dad's Dish!


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