Sunday, September 9, 2012

Forgive me for I have sinned: My top ten lame confessions for the summer of 2012



My friend Gary is a curious person; we met a few years ago on a retro-TV message board, got into a heated discussion about the Brady Bunch of all things, and ever since then, one of us will contact the other if we come across some obscure bit of trivia—we’ll have a laugh then catch up on more normal things.

So a couple days after Labor Day, Gary emailed me to ask if I owned “Police Woman” on DVD yet (no) and then proceeded to tell me how much he dreaded the end of summer, it was time for his “yearly confession”. (Gary’s a Catholic & explained to me that he prefers to do his penance after he’s gotten everything he can out of the summer.)  When I asked him what sort of stuff he confesses to, he said “the usual--well, I blew $750.00 in Atlantic City one weekend” & when I asked if gambling was a sin, he said “It is when you tell your old man your car’s in the shop and you need $750.00.”  Gary, please tell me you didn’t really do that.  Anyway, I told him I was glad I wasn’t Catholic as I have nothing good to confess, and he said “oh that’s bullship; you’d have that dude in the box for days.”

I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and while I don’t know what all people confess to (but I have a pretty good idea), I came up with my own list of how I’ve sinned this summer:

 10. It’s not exactly kosher  

I’ve been living alone for over 20 years and until this past summer, it never occurred to me to buy bacon.  Then one day in June, my pal Erin & I were talking how nice it’d be to find a good BLT for lunch & it hit me, why aren’t I making these things at home?  I’m now on my fourth pack of the stuff since June.  I need an exorcism, I’m possessed by fatty pork!


9. Call me once, shame on you—call me twice, shame on me

My friend Danielle (who’s a volunteer for the Obama campaign) recently told me how exhausting it is to call total strangers to remind ‘em to vote & hopefully support Obama.  “Doug I’ve called 128 people so far, only 4 answered and one asked if I was out of my effing mind.”  I told her when I get those calls, I either say “Go Romney!” or “Go Obama!” depending on the party calling (just to get these mofos off my phone).  She is now officially hating on me.  Sorry, Dani!


8. Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo  so please don’t call while my favorite TV show is on!  I shamefully admit that I am hooked on America’s favorite Redneck Family.  Sketti with butter & ketchup—who knew?  I’ll never buy Prego again!

 7. They’re only leaves (& maybe the occasional bird dropping… and a little dirt never hurt anybody) 

Residents on the uppermost floors are asked not to sweep debris from their balconies to the balconies below.  Thank you, Lobos Management

I don’t think the guy who lives below me gives a crap, so until he comes up here & complains (like my former neighbor did) I think I’m good!

6. I’m not a good loser  It’s taken me 7 weeks to lose 1.5 lbs; those pills sure didn’t help & neither does that bacon.   

5. I love my screensaver of my niece Sophia very, very much

but I love sexy women dressed in skimpy Native American costumes too, so when I came across this curvy lady in my online travels, I figured it was time I replaced that photo of Sophie I use for my screensaver for awhile.  Heh!

(FYI, I showed this to a friend of mine & he asked me if she was a genuine Native American.  I figure my niece has more NA blood in her than this chick, DOES IT MATTER?!)

4. “That music will rot your brains out”

So why do I buy stuff like “The Very Best of Patty Duke” like I did a couple weeks ago for my MP3 player?  A coworker stopped over at my desk the other day & asked if I was okay, it looked like I was in pain; I told her I was, I was listening to Patty Duke sing “Danke Schoen”. 

 3. Promises, promises

When my friend Kar-Kar left UPMC back in May, she said “Douglas I’m worried that after I leave, I’ll never hear from you again!  Tell me I’m worrying for nothing!” 

Oh Karyn, it’s only been a few months!  Besides, you look like you’re doing just fine… (okay, I really do need to call her soon, sorry Kar)

2. Complaining about the weather and it’s been nothing but sun & clear skies for most of the summer.  Kinda makes me feel guilty sitting inside, writing these silly-ass blogs…

1. Arab turmoil in the Middle East, economic woes in the US and I don’t have a clue what’s going on--I’ve been spending all my free time watching PSY do his “Gangnam Style” routine for the last two weeks!

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