Sunday, March 3, 2013

“Look everyone, no cavities!” The pros & cons of going to the Dentist

 

I love my dentist. I love, love, love the man. I love his practice too, the Doc has a terrific staff and you’re always made to feel like family.  Recently I got some minor work done (nothing major, just a ‘filling touch up’) & got there a little earlier than usual.  Little did I know that I’d be leaving that office with more than a shiny tooth.

While waiting to be seen, I was thumbing thru some of the magazines out front (he always has the latest stuff) and was surprised at what I was reading: a medical journal said that daily aspirin users were at a higher risk than average of developing macular degeneration.  What?!  It said that recent studies showed that people who took daily doses of aspirin in an effort to avoid strokes or heart attacks were doubling their risk of losing their eyesight in old age.   I’ve been taking 2 baby aspirins a day since 2004!  Now what?  Do I stop with all the pill-poppin??

PROS OF TAKING BABY ASPIRIN: LIVE TO BE AN OLD MAN

CONS OF TAKING BABY ASPIRIN: LIVE TO BE A BLIND OLD MAN

I threw down the magazine & picked up a Reader’s Digest.  I begin flipping pages and saw this:   “Salt, Healthy?  Why it may no longer be Public Enemy No.1”.  (Click on the title to read the article.)  It said that initial studies of salt was based on flimsy evidence from 40 years ago that’s never been successfully duplicated.  It went on to say that recent studies showed that people on low sodium diets died sooner to boot!  Now what?  I thought I ate too much of the stuff, but do I stop with all the salt-shakin’??

PROS OF THIS SALT ARTICLE:  I LOVVVVVVVVVVE SALT

CONS OF THIS SALT ARTICLE:  I LOVVVVVVVVVVE SALT

I began feeling a little panicky but thankfully BJ said the doctor was ready for me & I didn’t read any more worrisome stuff.

So I head back (this is BJ, who manages the office and is the niicest person you could meet) and I’m greeted by Doctor Antonucci.

  • DOC:  Doug!  Hey, last night I watched ‘The Graduate’, guess what my favorite part was!
  • ME:   Dustin Hoffman’s hair?
  • DOC:  Oh you!  BJ, bring me that really big syringe!  So Doug can I ask you a personal question?  How much is the rent on your apartment?
  • DOUG:  $555.00 plus all utilities, why do we need a big needle?

The doc went on to ask me if I remembered a few years back when he said he was going to convert the floor above his practice into two high-end apartments.  I said I sure did, and he excitedly told me he’d done just that, and they’d be ready for occupancy this spring—and he would love to have me as a tenant.

  • ME:    So how much are you planning on asking for these cribs?
  • DOC:  Now you KNOW they’re all new, right?  Hardwood flooring, stainless steel appliances, granite countertops.  Oh BJ, bring me those wood samples!
  • ME:    Wow!  So how much?
  • DOC:  $850.00 and did I mention it has an eat-in kitchen?   
  • ME:    Ulp!  That’s 300 more then what I’m paying now Dr.A…
  • DOC:  Oh come on, 300 dollars isn’t going to break the bank Doug!
  • ME:    That’s 3600.00 more a year!  Doc you’re rich--trust me, that’s a lot of money!
  • DOC:  Douglas, just because I own a restored Victorian mansion in Point Breeze and another apartment building in Ben Avon & this office doesn’t make me RICH! 

(BJ showed up then, holding a slab of dark cherry wood in one hand & one big-ass needle in the other.) 

After the doc got his hand in my mouth, he said “Doug wouldn’t you like a brand new kitchen?”  I said “Ah av tees itchen nah”  & he said “You say you have a 90’s kitchen now?  Oh Doug, tsk tsk…”  Doc I WISH I had a ‘90s kitchen—I said ‘70’s!  After we were done, he handed me my glasses & said “you should go home, write down all the pros and cons of moving upstairs and get back to me okay?” 

PROS:  BRAND NEW APARTMENT, HIGH END APPLIANCES, NO ANNOYING GAY NEIGHBORS, BUS STOP OUTSIDE MY DOOR, DR. ANTONUCCI AS MY LANDLORD

 

CONS:  LIVING ON THE MAIN DRAG, CAN’T CANCEL DENTAL APPOINTMENTS BY SAYING I’M STUCK DOWNTOWN, NO MORE BLOGS ABOUT GAY & RUSSIAN NEIGHBORS, ANY DREAMS OF EARLY RETIREMENT WILL BE WAYLAID

I honestly think it’s too high an increase in rent, regardless of whether I can afford it or not.  I’ve always prided myself on living below my means & with visions of retirement plums dancing in my head… I think I may just hold out and see if he drops the price down a bit.  Stay tuned.

8 comments:

  1. But what if all that salt drives you to an early grave and your retirement fund is useless? (For you, that is.) Maybe a higher level of spending now would make sense.

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  2. It doesn't mean you must forgo haggling!

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  3. Haha--Iikka, I am counting on just that my friend :)

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  4. You should get him to agree to free dental treatment for life.

    Also, for a mover and shaker at Evil Corp., that increase in rent is a mere bagatelle, especially when you offset it against the increase in quality of life.

    But, Doug, we all know you're tighter than a vulture's arsehole and this move - however good for you it might prove - will never happen

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  5. You're right. I'd rather keep my million to live on later. Plus i didn't marry up to support myself.

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  6. Ah - 'million'

    At last we apprehend the extent of the Morris Moolah!

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  7. I can tell everyone I know a millionaire!

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