Reality Check: This should probably be going to a therapist, not a blog

A couple days ago I put on my slippers to head to the lobby and check my mail.  My left eye was pretty swollen and my temples hurt too much to put on my eyeglasses, so that eye was really on display.  I was hoping nobody would be downstairs, but there was one person--Jim the Mailman.  

I love Jim, I really do.  He's 59 years old and excited to retire in a couple years.  He goes out of his way to know everyone here by name, always asks how you're doing, loves to talk about his 2 grandchildren.  Anyway, he said "Hello Doug!  Whoa, where'd you get that shiner??"  I told him it wasn't really a shiner, just a recent symptom of this chronic inflammation thing I have going on.  

He said "Yeah, Lida told me all about that--said it's something called long covid?"  I didn't want to talk about it, I just said yes I guess so.  Jim said "Doug I see and talk to a LOT of people in my line of work, doctors and nurses too.  I have to tell ya pal, no one's ever heard of that!  Do you maybe think a quack diagnosed you?  I just wonder if it's a real thing, don't you?"

I didn't have it in me to argue, I wouldn't want to anyway--Jim meant well.  I just shrugged my shoulders.  Frankly, I don't care what it is.  All I know for certain is, I have something that I can't get rid of.  I know people don't want to hear me drone on about it, but I still have to live with this.  It's every day.  When it lightens up for a half hour or so, my mood immediately lightens as well.  I suddenly feel happy and hopeful.  Then the pain and pressure build on the side of my head again and I feel worried, defeated.

A little over a month ago, my friend Robin (who lives in Canada) told me about a widely known Canadian journalist & author who got long covid, Gill Deacon.  Robin said that when listening to her, Gill reminded her of me.  She had many of the same symptoms.  I began looking for interviews and such with this Gill Deacon, and was surprised at how similar her story was to mine.   Severe fatigue, pain in her limbs, constant intense headaches.  

Gill said it took her 8 months just to be diagnosed with long covid, only to be told there was little they could do.  She said you're essentially handed a sentence of sitting on your couch and being miserable for the next 3 years.  The unfairness of it made her feel defeated and angry, she said she'd gone thru two bouts of breast cancer before the long covid, and as bad as the cancer was, it was nothing like the hell that long covid put her through.   

I went thru something similar.  In 2018 I developed a series of medical problems in my pancreas, both kidneys, bladder.  (In one year alone I went to the Emergency Room 17 times.)   I was operated on 4 different times, spent Thanksgiving or Christmas in the hospital two years in a row.  It sucked!

What really sucked, after the final operation (which involved a 3 hour oral intubation) I developed a serious jaw disorder that lasted two years.  It prevented me from eating solid foods, and got so bad I wound up overmedicating and getting in serious trouble.  But the thing is, by January 2021 I was finally well.  I thought I earned the right to live happily ever after... well, for 10-15 years at least.   

But then 3 years later... January 2024.  Long covid.  So yes, like Gill Deacon and her breast cancers, I've had my share of crap before this too.   

I try to remind myself that I'm fortunate.  What if I was younger, had a family to support and needed to work?   Recently a friend said "Well, you're still able to go out and buy groceries on your own".  They're right, but what they don't know is, for every grocery trip I make there were 2 times where I wanted to go but couldn't.   So yes, I can still make it to the store and back a couple times a week.  But I've only spent time with friends once in 4 months.

Anyway, I just needed to rant, vent, type.  When I share it here and not with a live person, no one is obligated to listen or respond.  It just amazes me, the resiliency of this thing.  This time a year ago, I was finally getting real signs of recovery and was able to meet up with friends from the senior center 3-4 times from January thru May, before the recovery became a lasting thing by summer.   In September I thought I was fully recovered.   And then on Sept 12... kaboom.

I am getting hopeful signs again, just not "full days", not yet.  I'm trying my best to stay optimistic and keep a sense of humor, it's either that or head upstairs to the roof and see if I flap my arms hard enough I can fly.  Just kidding!   If you made it all the way to the end, thanks for listening and being here.  

Send me your bill and I'll get that check in the mail.