Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Do I have your attention? I know how to fix everything

This past weekend I had the GREAT pleasure (as I’m sure many others did) of watching Joe Biden’s kickoff rally in Philadelphia. 

When Joe took the podium, he had my attention for the full 30 minutes.  I think it was the best speech he’s delivered yet.  His words held so much promise as he discussed the future (rather the NEED for one) and I liked how he made it clear that our current President is dangerous as hell and a REAL DIPSHIT.

But I’ve gotta say, when his wife Jill got up there and spoke first… wow.  I really like her! 

As much as I like Joe and appreciate his running for President (as we apparently live in the 1950s again and need a Dwight Eisenhower-looking type in the White House), I believe we have a simple solution to solve most of this country’s problems.  

Men should not be allowed to hold political office.    

It’s as simple as that.   If you’ve got junk hanging between your legs, a career in politics is not in your cards.  Doug, that’s sexist!  I don’t see it—a uterus & politics should go together like bread & butter, mother and child.  And I think most men who have half a brain and a conscience wouldn’t have a problem with a matriarchy either.  Girlfriends, wives, mothers—they’re usually the ones in charge anyway, because it’s NATURAL for them. 

And you know damn well that if women ruled things, there’d be a lot more focus on social issues like childcare, healthcare, education, hunger, equality—stuff that MATTERS—not mine-is-bigger-than-yours missiles or asinine things like border walls.

Michael Moore’s 2015 documentary ‘Where to Invade Next’ states my case; you should watch it for his segment on Iceland alone, where a broke & corrupt country was taken charge of by women, and how they turned things around

I will now take a couple questions from the audience:

You know you’re a man, right Doug?  You’re a traitor to your gender!

Who am I being a traitor to?  The arsonists, murderers, muggers, bank robbers, rapists, terrorists & other violent criminals out there who are almost always male?  Then yep, call me Benedict Arnold—or Michael Flynn—or Donald Trump.  Because traitors are usually male too.

And these 25 male politicians are downright dangerous, God forbid you’re a woman (or worse, a rape victim) in Alabama.  I cannot believe what is going on right now in this country, women losing the rights to their own bodies because we’re allowing men like these a—holes to do it.  Regardless of your own feelings towards abortion, IF WOMEN WERE IN CHARGE, THIS WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.

Doug you just said how much you like Joe Biden.  You don’t think he’d make a good leader? 

I do, but he’s a man.  If his wife Jill was president, I’m sure he’d make an excellent advisor.  You know, like Hillary Clinton was to Bill—or Eleanor Roosevelt was to Franklin.  Both of these women should’ve been president too, by the way.

Fine, Doug!  If Mike Pence gets a sex change operation then he—she can still be Vice President and run for president, right??

If Mike Pence wants to shoot himself up with hormones, grow breasts and have his genitals removed I think we’d all be fine with that.  (We’ll let him know after about the uterus requirement.)

Doug what about these women in politics—are you okay with them??

Well there’s always going to be a few rotten apples in the basket but weren’t these treasures appointed by men?   THAT’S WHY MEN SHOULDN’T BE IN CONTROL.

Alright Doug, who are you tryin’ to impress… some woman?


Friday, May 17, 2019

How Emma Thompson & Leslie Jones have given hope to one Droopy-Doug

I’ve been trying not to be a Droopy Doug with this awful TMJ, but it’s done a real number on me.  My cheeks (well, the masseters behind ‘em) have been swollen for so long, they began to harden.  (The retired surgeon who looked at them a couple months ago told me it was because they were calcifying.)  I’ve sat here so many times trying to ‘crack a smile’ (just to get things going) and no joke, it’s impossible.  It’s like I’m trying to lift barbells in my cheeks.  More and more, talking has become a labored, sweaty event.

And then this past week I had something of a miracle…

Last weekend I was watching Saturday Night Live and they had this skit where Emma Thompson is trying to teach royal etiquette to “Meghan Markle’s third cousin from Compton” (Leslie Jones) before she’s permitted to meet Meghan & Prince Harry’s new baby.  To say I thought it was a hoot would be an understatement.  I laughed in surprise SO HARD that I heard crunching sounds from both sides of my face.  I ran to the bathroom, looked in the mirror—both of my cheeks were so inflamed!  Tried to smile again, couldn’t do it.  Well, that was something!  I went to bed.

When I got up the next morning, I sat up then squeezed my eyes shut—it felt like someone had dropped a wrecking ball on my face while I was sleeping. I looked in my bathroom mirror, attempted to smile at my crazy self—nope, still unable.  So I made a cup of coffee, sat down on my couch, turned on my tv and replayed that SNL skit—I’ll be damned, I busted out laughing again.  More crunching sounds.  Good!

I avoided Emma & Leslie the rest of the day, walked around with my head wrapped in a towel filled with ice and prayed things would calm down.  Then I repeated the entire thing on Tuesday. 

On Wednesday, the pain feeling a little less (and my jaw moving a little easier) I grew excited, got dressed, walked up the street to my old dentist’s office and told them what happened.  I couldn’t smile, but those SNL women were cracking me up—literally!

They couldn’t have been nicer.  I was bummed to hear Dr.A has retired (he was my dentist for 25 years) but got to meet his replacement and she’s wonderful.  She gave me a quick, informal exam right there and measured how wide I could open my mouth for a sustained period of one minute or so. 1.15”.  She said it was wide enough to do some dental work.  Thank God!   I haven’t had a teeth cleaning since this whole thing began!

They laid out a plan where they’d like to get started (exam, x-rays, cleaning) but recommended I wait one month to see if things continue to improve.  I was so encouraged by recent events I walked down the street to the Rusty Nail (a popular local restaurant) and had a steaming bowl of stuffed pepper soup, then took a large glazed donut home to gently ‘nub’ on.

Anyway, just felt like sharing—my news and this video.  Thanks again Emma & Leslie!