Do I have your attention? I know how to fix everything

This past weekend I had the GREAT pleasure (as I’m sure many others did) of watching Joe Biden’s kickoff rally in Philadelphia. 

When Joe took the podium, he had my attention for the full 30 minutes.  I think it was the best speech he’s delivered yet.  His words held so much promise as he discussed the future (rather the NEED for one) and I liked how he made it clear that our current President is dangerous as hell and a REAL DIPSHIT.

But I’ve gotta say, when his wife Jill got up there and spoke first… wow.  I really like her! 

As much as I like Joe and appreciate his running for President (as we apparently live in the 1950s again and need a Dwight Eisenhower-looking type in the White House), I believe we have a simple solution to solve most of this country’s problems.  

Men should not be allowed to hold political office.    

It’s as simple as that.   If you’ve got junk hanging between your legs, a career in politics is not in your cards.  Doug, that’s sexist!  I don’t see it—a uterus & politics should go together like bread & butter, mother and child.  And I think most men who have half a brain and a conscience wouldn’t have a problem with a matriarchy either.  Girlfriends, wives, mothers—they’re usually the ones in charge anyway, because it’s NATURAL for them. 

And you know damn well that if women ruled things, there’d be a lot more focus on social issues like childcare, healthcare, education, hunger, equality—stuff that MATTERS—not mine-is-bigger-than-yours missiles or asinine things like border walls.

Michael Moore’s 2015 documentary ‘Where to Invade Next’ states my case; you should watch it for his segment on Iceland alone, where a broke & corrupt country was taken charge of by women, and how they turned things around

I will now take a couple questions from the audience:

You know you’re a man, right Doug?  You’re a traitor to your gender!

Who am I being a traitor to?  The arsonists, murderers, muggers, bank robbers, rapists, terrorists & other violent criminals out there who are almost always male?  Then yep, call me Benedict Arnold—or Michael Flynn—or Donald Trump.  Because traitors are usually male too.

And these 25 male politicians are downright dangerous, God forbid you’re a woman (or worse, a rape victim) in Alabama.  I cannot believe what is going on right now in this country, women losing the rights to their own bodies because we’re allowing men like these a—holes to do it.  Regardless of your own feelings towards abortion, IF WOMEN WERE IN CHARGE, THIS WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING.

Doug you just said how much you like Joe Biden.  You don’t think he’d make a good leader? 

I do, but he’s a man.  If his wife Jill was president, I’m sure he’d make an excellent advisor.  You know, like Hillary Clinton was to Bill—or Eleanor Roosevelt was to Franklin.  Both of these women should’ve been president too, by the way.

Fine, Doug!  If Mike Pence gets a sex change operation then he—she can still be Vice President and run for president, right??

If Mike Pence wants to shoot himself up with hormones, grow breasts and have his genitals removed I think we’d all be fine with that.  (We’ll let him know after about the uterus requirement.)

Doug what about these women in politics—are you okay with them??

Well there’s always going to be a few rotten apples in the basket but weren’t these treasures appointed by men?   THAT’S WHY MEN SHOULDN’T BE IN CONTROL.

Alright Doug, who are you tryin’ to impress… some woman?

No—you!