Silly but True Stories, Vol. 4: My sister Shawn, cavemen & their wives, and The Pill

Recently I came across this photo of my sister Shawn & myself, from September 1974.  It took me back to the summer of 1974, when Shawn came up to me one day and said "Guess what--Mom is going to have the talk with me about the birds & the bees."  I was intrigued, went to Mom and asked why Shawn was getting "The Talk".  

Mom said "Your sister is becoming a young woman, and will have to deal with things soon that you boys don't have to worry about."  I said "Why can't I know what it's all about?  I'm going to be 13 in 3 months."  

Mom said "Your dad was supposed to have that talk with you a year ago--maybe you forgot it."  I said "There was no talk, that's not something I'd forget!"

Mom yelled towards the kitchen, where Dad was reading the paper.  "Don, Doug says you never had the talk with him!  You said you were going to do that a year ago!"  

Dad yelled back "I thought the boy could learn it the same way I did, in the streets!"

Mom said "You're full of %#@$, do you know that?  What streets!  You grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and look where your son is now!"   

Dad said "Okay Liney, cool it!  I'll tend to it!"  Mom said "Never mind!  I do everything around here anyway!"

I said "Mom, shouldn't I learn this stuff from a man?"  Mom said "Probably, but you'll be thirty before your dad gets around to it.  You're better off learning it from me anyway, go get your sister."

After Mom, Shawn & myself were settled in the living room, Mom said "Do either of you know where babies come from?  How they wind up in a mother's stomach?"  Shawn shook her head no, I said I had a pretty good idea.  Mom said "Explain it to me."   

I said "Well, when the husband and wife decide they want a baby, the husband gives his wife 'The Pill', then kisses her on her stomach before they go to sleep."  

I don't know where I came up with that, but if you remember the early 70's, "The Pill" was everywhere--the nightly news, talk shows, magazine covers, even sitcoms.  I knew it had to do with women making babies, but that's all.

Before Mom could say anything, Shawn said "Doug, what about cavemen?  Do you think cavemen gave their wives a pill?"   I'll never forget that, because it was like someone dumped a bucket of cold water on my head.  She was right of course and what was I thinking?  I felt like such a dope!

That's when Mom told us the man takes his you-know-what and puts it you-know-where.  But she left out the good parts involving foreplay and arousal, and I remember saying "He has to squish it in there?  Does he have to use something like a spoon?  That doesn't sound very pleasant."  Mom said "Well, when you're older you'll figure it out."  I said no, I didn't think so.  

I asked "What does the man and woman do next?  Stare at each other until they fall asleep?"  Mom said "No, they usually kiss. But they can talk if they want to."  I asked how long it took, Mom said it depends, a half hour or so.  I said "How do they know when they're done?"

I will never forget this:  Mom said "God lets them know."  Shawn said "Does He talk to them?"  Mom said "Not so much in words.  He puts a feeling of happiness in their minds."  I said I would love God to put that feeling in my mind, when school started I was going to start looking for a wife right away.

Mom said "Don, you'd better talk to your son!"  She told me to go find Dad, she wanted to talk to Shawn alone now.  I have to say her version was pretty lacking, but I never forgot it.  And Dad never did have the talk with me.  I can't remember how I wound up learning, can you?  

This is a day of independence....

I was sitting here this morning, watching Wizard of Oz and eating my breakfast, and around the time the Mayor of Munchkin City said "This is a day of independence, for all Munchkins and their descendants"  I got dinged by my bank app that two direct deposits had been made to my checking account.  

One was my Federal tax refund (which came surprisingly fast, I just submitted my taxes a few days ago) and the other was my very first Social Security payment.  Am I really going to get that every month for the rest of my life?  Sweet!

I just saw something on the news the other night that the average social security payment is $2,071.00; so at $1,994.00 mine would appear to be $77.00 below average.  

But for someone like myself who early retired at the age of 54, I'm fine with that.

Anyway I'm sure this is tacky on my part, sharing these numbers; I'm not boasting about the amounts, but genuinely surprised I am considered old enough by the government to get social security.  (I was eligible 2 years ago, but held off until my monthly amount was close to $2000.00)   I swear to God, when my long covid isn't acting up I feel like a 14 year old kid inside.  

In fact, the last week or so I've been watching these paranormal videos on YouTube late at night and I'm starting to develop a fear of ghosts again, doggone it.  Do you believe in ghosts?  I'm not saying they're the spirits of dead people, but there's some strange things going on out there being caught on all those digital cameras... 💀

Alright, I'd better stop yapping and get dinner started, I'm having chicken tenders, leftover scalloped potatoes from Sunday and roasted broccoli.  Thanks for letting me share, that's all!  😊

Going fishing, a woozy head, a humble apology & what happened Desi?

Friday morning I awoke early and made a cup of coffee, then got right to work installing that new toilet seat I bought on Thursday, so I could do a quick photo-blog about it.

In hindsight (no pun intended) I'd like to offer an apology for posting a blog yesterday about my new toilet seat.  I have better things to write about and ruminate on.  It's just been something I've been after myself to do for a couple years, and was glad I finally got around to getting it done.  But I didn't need to write a blog about it for crying out loud, who wants to see my throne anyway?   So... I'm sorry.

It wasn't too soon after posting it, I was sitting in front of my tv and eating my breakfast and watching a show about the Amish, my left temple & eyeball began to build with pressure and pain.  Left me with no choice but to head into the bedroom, shut the door and lie down until noon.  I cannot shake the symptoms of this long covid.  It flares up every day, sometimes in the eyes, sometimes in the sinuses and mouth, and when it does it makes it difficult to eat or drink anything besides warm coffee.   

I should be sorry for sharing all that too, but truthfully I'm not.  I only share this stuff on my blog or with one person, my friend Diana.  It's not as awful as it was 2 years ago, but it has still put a halt to normal, everyday living.  

After the head stuff died down somewhat, I put on my shoes and combed my hair and made a beeline for the door.  We're supposed to get a couple inches of the white stuff Sunday night, but on Friday it was 60F outside with big 50 mph winds and I wanted to be a part of it.  I headed up the street to the church for the start of this seasons Fish Fry, but  it was only 2pm and they didn't open their doors until 4, so I got this slab of fish at the deli instead.  Doesn't it look good?  It was sizzling in the container on my walk home.

Finally, I wanted to share this:

Why does this make me sad?  This is a recent photo of Lucie Arnaz hugging her brother Desi Arnaz Jr.  The caption said it was a "rare" public appearance by Desi.   

Lucie was born in June 1951, making her 74 years old.  Desi was born in January 1953, making him 73.  I don't know what Desi's been up to, but he looks like a hermit.

I think this struck a nerve with me because just recently, a couple weeks ago, I began watching Here's Lucy on the Roku Channel.  Do you remember this show?   It aired Monday nights at 9pm on CBS, from 1968 to 1974.

It starred a wailing fiftysomething Lucy, a bellowing sixtysomething Gale Gordon, and Lucy's smirking, eye rolling kids Desi & Lucie as Craig & Kim Carter.  Sometimes the kids came across a bit square--"My brother owns all your records, Mr. Wayne Newton!"  but they usually played their rebellious teen parts well.

When I was a kid, I was fascinated with this pair--I knew they were real-life siblings and thought they were groovy.  I watched the show (when I could) just to see them.  Sometimes it would just be Mom & myself still up, and she'd say "Honey, isn't there anything else on tv?  That broad (Lucy) gives me a headache."   But sometimes we'd talk about Lucy's kids, and wonder about their famous lives.  

I don't know where I'm going here... it just makes me sad to see Desi looking so alone, and so old.  I'm getting my first social security check this week and that's nice.  But I'm getting old too, and that's not so great.  At the risk of sounding mean, I don't want to look as old as Desi here in a few years time.  I am definitely never growing a beard.