Your office days are never far behind you, y’know

No one tells you when you retire, you’re essentially trading one office for another.  (Or in my case, another and another—and another.)  Yesterday afternoon I went to my dentist’s office, for my “Four Month Exam & Cleaning”.  I was told I’d be working with their new dental hygienist, Kaylee.

This young woman suddenly came bounding towards the front desk where I was standing. She was small but athletic looking and had a big blonde ponytail on top of her head.  I swear she looked like a white version of Simone Biles, in scrubs.  She said “DOUGLAS MAY I CALL YOU DOUGLAS?  I’M KAYLEE AND YOU’RE MY FIRST PATIENT!” 

I said “Hi Kaylee, so when you say first patient do you mean first ever, or first today?  Um…. how old are you?”  

She laughed and said “I LOVE IT, GUESS!”  I said “Over 16 I hope?”   She tossed her head back and laughed again.  “THANK YOU!  I’M 21 BUT I’M FEELING MORE LIKE 40 TODAY, MY MOTHER HAD TO DRAG MY YOU KNOW WHAT OUT OF BED THIS MORNING!  WE SHARE THE SAME BIRTHDAY I WAS BORN JUNE 10 2000 AND SHE WAS BORN JUNE 10 1980!  HOW OLD ARE YOU DOUGLAS?”

Old enough to be her mother’s father.  Omigod that means I could be this young woman’s grandfather. 

As Kaylee picked and clawed at my teeth & gums, she prattled on.  “WE’RE MORE LIKE SISTERS THAN MOTHER DAUGHTER YOU KNOW.  I MEAN, WE BOTH LOVE CLASSIC TV.  FRIENDS, SEINFELD, FRIENDS—“   Suddenly I heard the voice of my favorite conservative, my dentist Dr. Shannon.

“Well, how are you young man!  It’s so nice to see you!”  I told her likewise, and she said “So Kaylee tells me you STILL haven’t had that dead tooth removed from the back.  Douglas!”  

When did Kaylee tell her that?  She’s been talking to me this entire time!  I apologized profusely and promised to have an oral surgeon pull it soon. 

Dr. Shannon said “I also hear you have a new smart phone!  Your first one, right?  Well congratulations!”   I thanked her and fished the phone out of my pants pocket.  As I handed it over for her to look at, it vibrated.  She said “Douglas you better take this, it’s from Mercy Hospital!” 

I said okay, wondering if her and Kaylee would excuse themselves and leave.  Nope!

When I said hello, I heard this:  “Douglas Morris?  Please hold for Dr. Ahman.”  A couple of clicks and then a male voice on the line.  “Mr. Morris, this is Dr. Marvi’s office, I’m Dr. Ahman.  Where have you been?”  I said “Well, today I’m at my dentist’s office and—“ 

He cut me off and said “You went to the Emergency room on June 25 and you never followed up with your PCP.  The attending physician reported you had very high blood pressure.” 

I said “Well, I spent that night in a lot of pain from kidney stones, so maybe that’s why my blood—“  The doctor cut me off again.  “Those factors were taken into consideration.  Are you taking your… carvedidol as prescribed?”  I said yes. 

“Then you need to come into the office and be re-evaluated.  I mean ASAP.  How does Tuesday August 17 look for you.”

I said “Well Doctor Ahman… I have an appointment with my urologist on Wednesday the 18th, the very next day.  Since his office is only one block from yours, and to get there I have to catch 2 buses and walk another 4 blocks uptown, if you could see fit to let me come in on Wednesday I could kill two doctors with one stone.  That’s a joke, but you know what I mean.  Instead of killing two birds with one stone, I meant—“

He stopped me again.  “TUESDAY THE 17TH.  12:30PM.  INCREASE YOUR CURRENT DOSAGE BY ONE PILL IN THE MORNING UNTIL WE SEE YOU.  WE’RE PROBABLY GOING TO MOVE YOU TO ANOTHER MEDICATION.”  Click.

I let my phone drop in my lap.  I suddenly noticed the room was very quiet, except for the loud rain pattering on the windows.  I felt a hand rest on my left shoulder, and saw Dr. Shannon’s long manicured fingers there.  From behind me she said “Take a deep breath…  now take another.  After Kaylee finishes up with you, come out front and talk to Nina.  You have a chipped filling and I want you back here next week young man.  Try for Thursday, got it?”

Sure why not… I’ve got nothing else scheduled for that day.