Strange visitor from another planet: They come in all shapes and sizes

Yesterday, my sister Shawn & I (in keeping with our long tradition of seeing all the Superman movies together) went to see ‘Man of Steel’ (we gave it a big thumbs up, by the way).  I asked her if she would be okay with us dining at Long John Silver’s first, and she said sure, she was fine with that.  So off we went for dinner and a movie.

After we arrived in little Washington (and decided which Long Johns to go to), we entered said establishment & stood there for a moment, pondering the variety of fried fishery on their giant wall-menu.  I glanced towards the front registers, and saw a young woman talking to the cashier.  I heard her say “you forgot my drink order, I esk fer 8 waters and a Dokker Pepper!” 

Wha?  I looked back into the restaurant, and aside from a crusty looking fisherman-type at one table and a baby in a carseat at another, no one else was there.  I turned to my sister and said  “Shawn, that woman up there just ordered 9 drinks for her and her baby--but that’s not the strangest part, she looks like she just fell out of a Lil’ Abner strip.” 

Shawn wasn’t listening.  She said “Hmm.. I think I’m going with Platter #3—it comes with 2 fish, 3 shrimp & one chicken plank.  Yep, that’s what I want.”

I looked again at that woman, now returning to her baby.  She had the face of a 14 year old hillbilly-girl, the voice of a 45 year old hillbilly-woman and the head of a crazy cat lady.  I’m serious, it’s like she bought a cheap wig, slept on it, got another wig, repeated the process and glued both hair-pieces together.  I whispered “Shawn… please check this out”  but now my sister was giving the cashier her order and omigod, the girl behind the counter was a hillbilly too.  I shrugged my shoulders & asked for the same (but onion rings instead of fries).

We took our seats, and yet ANOTHER hillbilly-woman came out with 2 heaping platters of orange-fried goodness.  I was all ready to chow down when Shawn said “Excuse me… my brother ordered onion rings, not fries.”  Mammy Yokum said “Heck!”  I told her it was alright, but she said “I’ll fetch ‘em!”  Shawn & I glanced down at our plates—where’d all this chicken come from?  Then the woman returned carrying a food basket with 2 onion rings—welded to more chicken planks.  We were only supposed to get one each, we now have 10!

Of course Shawn said “We were supposed to get shrimp, not all these chicken strips.  You can take them back.”   Yokum said “Keep ‘em!  Goin’ fetchin’!” 

She huffed back to our table carrying a basket of shrimp & plopped ‘em down.  “We want our cuss’mers happy! Things sazzfackery?”  We now had dinner for 4 spread before us.  Yes, sazzfackery. 

It’s around this time that I start to ask Shawn once more about the hillbilly girl at the table in the back.  Suddenly Hilly’s at the condiments counter, pumping tartar sauce & ketchup into those little paper cups but not paying attention to what she’s doing, because she’s staring over AT ME. 

I whisper “Shawn I keep trying to get another peek at that hillbilly woman’s head, but I can’t look up cause she’s staring at me instead!”  Shawn says “Haha!  Okay I just got that Lil’ Abner reference, please shut up long enough to let me swallow this food without choking.” 

I guess Shawn was listening after all, but Hilly’s gone now, taken her sauces back to her table.  My sister & I resume talking about non-hillbilly things. 

Here comes the best part:  after we finish eating, Shawn gets up with her garbage and walks over to the trash-bin.  It’s precisely at this moment that the hillbilly jumps up from her table with her baby, comes over and stands in front of me.  She kisses the baby on it’s head with a loud smack--“MMM…SMACK!” and then looks down at me with a big toothy grin.  What the--yes dear, I see you!  Shawn for godssakes read my thoughts and turn around!!

No such luck, my sister still has her back to us.  When Shawn finally does turn, Hilly scurries away with her baby into the ladies room.  WHERE THE HELL AM I!!

After my sister sat back down, I said “Y’know, it’s killing ME that that woman isn’t killing YOU.”  Shawn said “Doug you have to remember, this is where I’m from—I’m used to it.”  

Hello, where do you think I’m from?  Krypton?!  

Yes, you’re right—I wish.