Monday, November 18, 2013

Tales from the bedroom: the older I get, the less I’m getting it


This is my bedroom.  I use it pretty much for the same things as other people, but it’s also where I go when I need to get away from the gay couple’s shenanigans next door (which come in loud & clear thru my livingroom wall).  In fact, just recently I spent the entire evening in my bedroom after one of the boys found 100+ photos of Liam Neeson on the other’s cellphone; the shrieking went on for 4 hours.  But that’s another crazy-ass story.

So the other night, I was stretched out on my bed doing some reading when I heard a woman’s voice from behind my headboard.  She’s going “yeah… yeah… uh huh… UH HUH!!”  and if you’ve ever seen Meg Ryan fake a you-know-what in When Harry Met Sally then you’ll know what I’m talking about.  Her boyfriend (I’ve met them both, a good looking pair in their twenties) said “Michelle… cool it!”  but she went right on with her exclamations.  The very next day when I was getting my mail, she bounced down the stairs, saw me & sang “Hello!”  I said hi back, but my face felt pretty warm.

I know that she knows we can hear each other thru that bedroom wall we share, but I think she gets a big kick out of it!

Darn it, back in my younger days I would’ve gotten a big kick out of that too.  Maybe I’m becoming more prudish or something, the older I get.  Why is that?

Here’s me and my girlfriend’s elbow, 1980; we were spending the weekend with a couple friends, and got caught with our pants down, so to speak.  By the look on my face I didn’t seem to mind

I’m not longing for the days when women hid behind layers of petticoats (I’m not THAT old) but it seems more and more, women keep surprising me.  This happened a couple weeks ago in the office:

Lunchtime, myself and a a group of women are waiting for someone to come back from the ladies room before we head out.  We see her coming our way.

  • Julie:    So what’d you do in there, number 1 or number 2?
  • Kathy:  Number 2.
  • Julie:    Was it good for you?
  • Kathy:  Yeah, a big piece of poop fell outta my butt.
  • Jamie:   I’m so jealous, I’m really constipated.
  • Doug:   Hey ladies, what happened to the feminine mystique?
  • Julie:    Shut up Doug, you’re one of us now!

Okay, okay—we’re all friends there, I suppose when you spend 8 hours a day with the same group of women, the gender lines tend to get a little blurred.  But recently when I was in the basement of my apartment building doing laundry, my Russian neighbor Uriel walked in with her basket of clothes.  I said “Hi Uriel, how are you?”  She said “Hello, not so good right now.”  I said “Oh I’m sorry, what’s wrong?”  She said “I started my period.” 

Dear you didn’t need to tell me that! 

By the way, I recently signed for a package for Uriel that came all the way from Russia; it was from someone named Vulva.  When I handed it to her, she said “Oh good, from my sister.”  

And lastly, just when I thought nothing could surprise me anymore, a woman from West Virginia  recently moved into the apartment directly across from mine.  So last night while watching ‘60 Minutes’, I hear hammering in the hallway outside.  I opened my door and it’s my new neighbor, hanging a decoration on her front door.  It appears to be a witch’s bottom half. 

She said “I’m sorry, am I disturbing you?”   I said “Not at all, go right ahead.  But isn’t it a little late for Halloween?”  She said “This isn’t for Halloween… I’m a witch.” 

Oh okay--silly me


  1. Wow, Doug, I think you just inspired me to write a new blog post for my "whatever happened to..." series: Whatever Happened to...Acting Like a Lady?

  2. Haha--well Pam, I can't speak for the Russian girl or the sex-maniac I live with but I work with a fun group of ladies. (But they don't like it when you call 'em that!) Anyway, I admit I sometimes miss the "old school" faiirer sex :)

  3. Doug, enjoyed, as usual, the glimpse into your world. And I giggled at the title and the double entendre! lol We 'ladies' are not all that frank, maybe your co-workers are just trying to entertain you. LOL Diana

  4. Finally--someone got that double entendre!! Thanks Diana, and thanks for the heads up about ladies and their frankness--I'm sure my office pals just enjoy seeing me squirm :)

  5. How's your witch of a neighbor doing? Perhaps your other neighbors will offend her..?

  6. Thanks Iikka, she's fine--I like her! :) (Those other neighbors better leave my witch alone!)


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