A metal bed, a four-poster bed and probably why I’m still single & sleeping alone in one

This is my bed.  I love my bed, it’s probably my second favorite thing in this apartment.  It’s modern yet minimalist, but surprisingly sturdy.  This may sound a little cuckoo, but it makes me feel younger just sleeping in it.  It’s like I’m thumbing my nose at middle age:  “Take that, 3 piece bedroom set, I‘m a hipster!”   Well, I sleep like one.

I can just hear the snorts & chuckles coming from my Stearns & Foster mattress-- hope you find it funny next year when I replace you with one of those YouTube mattresses like Casper or Purple!

In March 2017, as I made plans to move back to Pittsburgh, my sister said “you’ve been living with this walnut bedroom suite since the 80’s!  Why don’t you let Joe Wilson (my soon to be ex-slumlord) take it off your hands?  There’s a long red dresser at IKEA I think you’d like.”   So off we went, saw the red dresser, loved it, bought it.  She said “We should take a look around, they have lots of beds too... like this modern metal one right here.”

I said “Okay, I’ll buy it.”  Shawn said “No I didn’t mean for you to buy the first thing you looked at, I was just saying--”   I said “Shawn, you can stop with the hard sell!  You convinced me!”  

Some things you just know.    

My mattress is low to the ground (as it sits on wooden slats instead of box springs) so I bought this lofty mattress topper which worked out even better than I’d expected

It (and my neighbor Angela, I’ll get to her in a moment) reminded me of an earlier ‘bed shopping’ experience from 2002, when I realized I might wind up single for a long time.  At the time, I’d been seeing someone for almost a year.  We both worked downtown, often had lunch together and one day I accompanied her to Kaufmann’s, where her & her mom had recently bought a new recliner for her grandmother.

While she was giving delivery instructions to the salesman, I was wandering the furniture aisles & happened upon a Scandinavian bedroom set.  It was very clean, very maple & looked like it came straight from the set of Frasier Crane’s apartment.  Man, I just loved it.  My girlfriend found me and when I asked what she thought of it, she wrinkled her nose and shook her head no.  She said “You want to see my dream bed?  C’mon over here.”

I followed her across the floor to the “Dark Side”, where big, lumbering traditional things lay in wait.  She stopped in front of a gargantuan four poster bed—a dark mahogany monstrosity with 4 posts that must’ve went 8 feet high, each one covered in ornate scallops & curliques.  She turned around and said “Well?”

I thought she was pulling my leg.  I said “It looks like something that belonged to the Tsar of Russia… you could hang a sign above the headboard, ‘Rasputin Slept Here’.”   Her face got red and she said “What!!!”  

The Evil Bed looked something like this, but larger and more menacing

It was right then that her salesman came over and asked if we were shopping for a bedroom suite (we weren’t).  But she told him “I like traditional things, I love this bed.  He likes the stuff you see in mobile homes!” 

I said “That litle boy Damien, in The Omen?  I think he was conceived in this bed.”  

The salesman was laughing now, nudged her and said “maybe you should tell him who REALLY decides what furniture goes in the house.”  Her mood lightened then and she said “That’s right but you’re supposed to keep that a secret!”  and they both laughed.   I looked at the bed again and trembled at it’s madness.

Later that afternoon, after we’d returned to our respective offices, she sent me an email. “I’m really bothered you didn’t like that bed.  The husband isn’t supposed to even care, he just lets the wife choose.”  I replied “If the time ever comes, I’m sure we could find a compromise.”   She answered “I’ve been married before, I’m through compromising.”  

Good to know.  A few months later, we’d be through too.

Back to the present, today is Laundry Day—well, for me at least.  Every floor in my building has a laundry room, with a weekly schedule on the wall and each day broken into three 4 hour shifts.  (My time for the washer & dryer is Mondays, 12-4pm.  The block before mine, 8am-12 noon hasn’t been claimed so it’s a ‘free for all’.)  

When I took my laundry down today, I found a pair of women’s black undies in the dryer and a laundry card in the dryer’s slot.  (You pay to use the machines with a refillable ‘debit card’.)  That card & underwear could’ve belonged to anybody, but I had a feeling it belonged to Angela, who lives here with her husband Mark and often tries to get a load done before I come down at noon.  (If she goes over 12 noon by even a minute, she tacks a post-it on the washer with a smiley-face and “Sorry” written underneath.)   So I took both items down to her apartment & asked if they were hers.  

She said “Omigod, thank you!  I love how friendly & honest everyone here is!”   Taking a peek over her shoulder, I said “We’re nosy too—can I ask what that colorful object is on your wall?”   She said “Oh sure, come in and take a look!  It’s an African mosaic, it belonged to my grandmother.”  As I looked about, I said “Wow this place is so cool.  You have great taste.” 

Angela said “Thank you!  But if you saw our bedroom—here, look.”  She opened her door and I saw a stack of boxes in one corner, clothes piled on top and a mattress & box spring in the center.   She said “We haven’t decided on our bedroom furniture yet.  I found something I want on Wayfair, but Mark doesn’t like it… yet.” 

Good luck you two.