I miss him too, but the Doug you knew doesn’t live here anymore

I wake up every morning around 6am, sit on the edge of my bed and gently tug this oral splint off of my top teeth.  It hurts to wear (sometimes too much & I go without) but it helps keep my jaw muscles from clamping my mouth shut while I sleep. 

I wash my hands, then using the first finger of each hand, gently rub the inside of the right & left side of my mouth for a few seconds, massaging the swollen masseters within.  They’re hot to the touch and feel like they’re filled with tobasco sauce.

I then (carefully) brush my teeth, ponder over the medicines in my medicine cabinet (I’ve been trying to stay pill-free for a couple of weeks now) then take a shower and turn on the tv while doing jaw stretching exercises in my entranceway mirror.  Now in it’s 8th month, I’m coming to the sad conclusion that this TMD, this jaw disorder, isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  It’s not like it comes & goes either.  If someone asks “Is your TMJ acting up again?”  I usually say yes, but it’s always this way.  Sometimes the ache will reduce to a dull burn for a couple hours, and I’m filled with hope, and other times the discomfort will climb a notch or two and I’m on the Hemlock Society’s website, looking for… best not to go there.

No one understands it, no one has real answers.  A couple months ago when I talked to someone from my old dentist’s office, she said “We refer our TMJ patients to a chiropractor right down the street from you.”   This is the same dentist’s office who referred me to an oral surgeon a couple years ago (when I first got TMJ) and asked me if I was seeing anyone else for it, and when I said yes, a chiropractor, said “Stop going, they can’t help you.”  

(FYI, after 13 visits, I’d already come to the same conclusion.)

I don’t sit here and wallow in self-pity.  I watch the morning news, get dressed, head outside if it’s nice, exchange some greetings with people I both know & don’t know.   I have to keep it brief though.  Talking for more than a couple minutes and the inside of my face swells & aches too much.  Then I’m just biting myself when I talk.

Two days ago I went to one of those CBD shops and got a crash course in CBD oils and their supposed anti-inflammatory & pain control properties; it sounded a little hippy-dippy for my old-school thinking, but I’m ready to try anything.

This little bottle (a 1 month supply) cost $85.00

Sometimes a friend will write and say “Don’t tell me you still have that, c’mon!”  like it’s a bad habit I’ve developed and haven’t quit doing.  Or I’ll get something like “I’m going to cheer you up if it kills me” or a promise to make me laugh.   I play along & say okay, but it makes my jaw crackle & pinch for a long time afterwards.

Others (more tired of my TMJ than I am, it would seem) talk normally like everything is fine & dandy, and don’t understand why I’m not being equally engaging or writing gobs back.  Yes I’d LOVE to be old Doug again, and rant and joke & all that fun stuff, but I’m constantly preoccupied with this discomfort.  More than anything in the world, I HATE when someone says “You need to do something to keep yourself busy and take your mind off it!”    They don’t have a fuckiing clue.

You read or listen to all the experts:  You’re not stretching it enough.  You’re stretching it too wide.  You’re not exercising it enough.  You’re exercising it too much.  Don’t use cold, use heat.  Don’t use heat, use cold.  Take NSAIDs.  Stop taking NSAIDs! 

No one really knows.  I think the best advice I read was from a New York orthodontist on the TMJ Forums who wrote “For 9 out of 10 people, it WILL go away.  It can take years sometimes.  If you don’t learn patience, you’re in real trouble.”  

I think after 8 months, my patience deserves a medal.

A part of me feels bad for sharing this here (again).  A blogger friend of mine has been writing more & more about her depression, and the first time she spoke of it I was a little surprised, a little worried for her & curious.  Six months later, it’s become a train she can’t get off from.   I don’t avoid her, but I don’t enjoy her blogs like I used to.  I’ve been trying not to go down that same track here.

What I AM trying to do is to stay positive, upbeat, focus on life after this.  I guess I’m just saying, to the few out there who take my lack of presence in their lives personally, it’s not you, it’s not me either.  It’s the TMJ.

Enough said, thanks Donald

This is one of Donald Trump’s overnight tweets.  I think it’s great; I want to get one of these antique political buttons you pin to your lapel, personalized with this tweet from our Commander-in-chief, our President of the United States. 

I want to wear it on every shirt, sweater, jacket & coat in 2020.

I think every Democrat politician running for office should toss out their American flag lapel pins, or little pink or blue ribbon pins, and affix this big, round button to their breast pocket. 

Keep your opinions about abortion, climate change, healthcare, gun control & immigration to yourselves until you’re in office—then attack those issues like gangbusters.

For now, just wear the pin.  And when people ask questions on where you stand with these things, tap the pin with your finger.  Enough said.

Don’t ask, don’t tell: A conflict of patriotism

I’m going to confess something.  As much I write about Trump (or his GOP minions) here, which really isn’t that much, I keep a pretty low profile in my non-online life.   There are people I see or talk to on occasion, people I live with.  I don’t ask questions about their politics, I don’t share mine, it’s easier to keep the peace.

Unfortunately, others can’t do the same.  All I know is, it usually doesn’t work in my favor.

A couple of weekends ago, I ran into Liz downstairs, one of the other residents here who sits in the lobby regularly with a book.  In the last few months we’ve become friends of sorts.  I don’t think we have a lot in common, but we were born in the same year and share that. 

Anyway, when she saw me she asked how my tmj was doing (she’s the one person here I’ve shared that with) and told me the mail hadn’t come yet but our new mailman is delivering early now, he should be here any minute.  I told her I was just going for a morning walk to warm my sore face and stretch my legs, and for a moment I felt guilty after saying it.

It’s difficult for Liz to get around.  She hobbles about with a cane, the type with 4 little legs at the bottom.  (She told me her lower vertebra is fused to her hip, how is that possible?)  She asked if I was going to be passing Kuhn’s Market and could I pick her up a box of teabags.  When I returned and handed Liz her tea, she thanked me and asked how much she owed me.  I said “Ohhh.. fifteen and change, let’s just say fifteen.”  Without missing a beat, she asked if I had change for a twenty.  (The woman who was sitting beside her on the settee... her expression was priceless!)

After the other woman left, Liz asked if I got an email from Steiner (our building’s management) stating that non-residents are not permitted to loiter in front of the building and if it continues, there’d be repercussions.  I said yes I got it, and she asked if I’d seen any of these non-residents.  I said no, at least not when I’m out there loitering.  When she asked what I thought the repercussions would be, I said they may get kicked out of their non-apartments.  We shared a good laugh over that. 

It was right around then that Carl (an older man who lives on the first floor, very polite but never says a word) entered the lobby, tipped his hat towards Liz, nodded to me and headed out.  His hat was one of those bright red MAGA caps.   Liz said “Did you see his hat?”   I said yes, and added I should wear my cap when I go out too, I’m probably going to get sunstroke.  She said “Do you own one of those Trump caps?”  I said omigosh no, mine’s from UPMC.  She asked if I was a Trump supporter, I screwed up my face a little and said not exactly.

She said “You’re not one of those Trump haters are you?”

I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to say.  I was tempted to come up with something phony or glib, but I said yes and I didn’t understand how anyone could not be. 

She said “Well, you can’t blame him for everything.”  I said I could.  She asked me if I watched a lot of news.  I said yes, probably too much.  But I read Trump’s tweets too, they’re frightening and asinine. 

Liz said she didn’t know about any of that (of course she doesn’t) but considered herself patriotic and was raised to stand behind our president no matter who it is.  She asked who I wanted to see win the next election, I said Kamala Harris.  She nodded her head but didn’t say anything.

As I felt the soreness in my face and lower right jaw tighten and burn (damn tmj!)  I told her I was going to head upstairs.  She went back to reading her book. 

That was a couple weeks ago, I haven’t seen her since.  Then this past weekend I went downstairs and saw her again in the lobby.  I said I was going grocery shopping, did she need a $20 loaf of bread or anything.  She didn’t look in my direction or smile or say a word, just shook her head no while staring out the front glass.  Another woman (don’t know her) came into the lobby then, and Liz said (to her) “Did you see where Steiner hung the American flag up outside?” 

The woman said “I think they do that every year for the Fourth” and Liz said “I wish they’d leave it up year ‘round.”  

Happy Fourth of July, Liz.