Meanwhile, at the Tiffany: Some of the people in here are pretty out there

Recently, a woman who lives down the hall from me knocked on my door.  I’ve seen her a few times on our floor, rode the elevator with her a couple times, but we’ve never spoken to one another.

So I said hi, can I help you?  She asked me if I ever smelled marijuana in my apartment.  I said no, never.  She said “I smell it in mine sometimes, could it be coming from upstairs?” 

I said that was certainly possible.  Whenever the woman who lives above me cooks something with garlic, I can smell it down here—it must come down through the heating vent.

She said “I haven’t smoked pot since I was 19 and that was over 50 years ago, but it’s not a smell you forget. Have you ever smoked it?”

I was pretty surprised she asked, but said no, I never did.

She said “If I got some pot would you like to smoke it with me?”   

What the--!!  I said no thank you, and she should be careful.  Steiner has a strict policy regarding marijuana.  Not even for medical purposes unless you ingest it, like those cannabis gummies.  She said she hoped she didn't upset me.  I said of course not, and asked if she was an undercover cop or something.  She laughed and said no.

Later that night I told my (very Christian) friend Diana what happened.  Diana said "She probably thinks you're a real square." 

There is another woman on my floor (a little younger, name unknown) who keeps to herself, talks to no one—but she recently hung a sign in our laundry room that read:

Below her loud words she taped 3 tiny pieces of fuzz on the bottom of the paper.  Even without my glasses I could see it was just dryer lint—is she crazy?  Steiner does not like crazy.  They do not like reports of bedbugs either.  In the 7 years I’ve lived here, 4-5 tenants on various floors have reported bedbugs—and all 4-5 tenants were gone in a couple months time.

I don’t know what happened to them.  I don’t know if it was their choice to leave or Steiners.

Lastly, I recently had a couple run-ins with my 70 year old neighbor Dee.  The first was a couple weeks ago, when I was exiting the building as she was coming in, and she asked if the recent ‘door slams’ from her apartment bothered me.

I said they made me jump a couple times, but it was no big deal.  She said “That’s Rosa, honey!  She’s my housekeeper.  She’s here one day a week, I’m not going to say anything.  Good housekeepers are hard to find.”

So are good neighbors Dee, and you are taking yours for granted but whatever.

The second time was a couple nights ago when her tv was louder than usual.  When I knocked on her door, she shouted “YEAH?” without opening it.  I said it was me and asked if she could turn it down a little.  She shouted “I CAN’T HEAR A WORD YOU’RE SAYIN’ HONEY!”

I shouted back “NEVERMIND I’LL CALL STEINER AND LET THEM HANDLE IT.”   Jeez Louise!

She opened her door then, just wide enough to peek out and asked if her tv was too loud.  I said yes.  She said she had hearing aids but often forgot to put them in.  She added “I don't know how far my tv is from my couch, probably 20 feet."  I said “I have a pretty good idea.  The same as mine, 7-8 feet.”  

She said “No honey, Steiner told me when I moved in all the apartments are different.”

Oh Dee… they meant there are 3 layouts: studios, 1 bedroom units, 2 bedrooms.  We both have 1 bedrooms, yours is a mirror of my own.  I was friends with the tenant who lived there before you, plus I caught a glimpse of your stuff the day you moved in.

I wish I could show Dee this layout I came up with showing my apartment and hers, but she might not appreciate my view on things.  Especially when my view includes her things.  The End!     

Silly but True Stories, Vol. 4: My sister Shawn, cavemen & their wives, and The Pill

Recently I came across this photo of my sister Shawn & myself, from September 1974.  It took me back to the summer of 1974, when Shawn came up to me one day and said "Guess what--Mom is going to have the talk with me about the birds & the bees."  I was intrigued, went to Mom and asked why Shawn was getting "The Talk".  

Mom said "Your sister is becoming a young woman, and will have to deal with things soon that you boys don't have to worry about."  I said "Why can't I know what it's all about?  I'm going to be 13 in 3 months."  

Mom said "Your dad was supposed to have that talk with you a year ago--maybe you forgot it."  I said "There was no talk, that's not something I'd forget!"

Mom yelled towards the kitchen, where Dad was reading the paper.  "Don, Doug says you never had the talk with him!  You said you were going to do that a year ago!"  

Dad yelled back "I thought the boy could learn it the same way I did, in the streets!"

Mom said "You're full of %#@$, do you know that?  What streets!  You grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and look where your son is now!"   

Dad said "Okay Liney, cool it!  I'll tend to it!"  Mom said "Never mind!  I do everything around here anyway!"

I said "Mom, shouldn't I learn this stuff from a man?"  Mom said "Probably, but you'll be thirty before your dad gets around to it.  You're better off learning it from me anyway, go get your sister."

After Mom, Shawn & myself were settled in the living room, Mom said "Do either of you know where babies come from?  How they wind up in a mother's stomach?"  Shawn shook her head no, I said I had a pretty good idea.  Mom said "Explain it to me."   

I said "Well, when the husband and wife decide they want a baby, the husband gives his wife 'The Pill', then kisses her on her stomach before they go to sleep."  

I don't know where I came up with that, but if you remember the early 70's, "The Pill" was everywhere--the nightly news, talk shows, magazine covers, even sitcoms.  I knew it had to do with women making babies, but that's all.

Before Mom could say anything, Shawn said "Doug, what about cavemen?  Do you think cavemen gave their wives a pill?"   I'll never forget that, because it was like someone dumped a bucket of cold water on my head.  She was right of course and what was I thinking?  I felt like such a dope!

That's when Mom told us the man takes his you-know-what and puts it you-know-where.  But she left out the good parts involving foreplay and arousal, and I remember saying "He has to squish it in there?  Does he have to use something like a spoon?  That doesn't sound very pleasant."  Mom said "Well, when you're older you'll figure it out."  I said no, I didn't think so.  

I asked "What does the man and woman do next?  Stare at each other until they fall asleep?"  Mom said "No, they usually kiss. But they can talk if they want to."  I asked how long it took, Mom said it depends, a half hour or so.  I said "How do they know when they're done?"

I will never forget this:  Mom said "God lets them know."  Shawn said "Does He talk to them?"  Mom said "Not so much in words.  He puts a feeling of happiness in their minds."  I said I would love God to put that feeling in my mind, when school started I was going to start looking for a wife right away.

Mom said "Don, you'd better talk to your son!"  She told me to go find Dad, she wanted to talk to Shawn alone now.  I have to say her version was pretty lacking, but I never forgot it.  And Dad never did have the talk with me.  I can't remember how I wound up learning, can you?  

Silly but True Stories, Vol. 3: All I need now is a shawl and a Tweety-Bird

Recently I told my friend Diana that it was time to start living vicariously, and when she asked what I meant by that, I said that after years of eating only Corn Chex I was going to try every flavor of Chex cereal available at the market.

Wheat Chex, Chocolate Chex, Honey Nut Chex, Peanut Butter Chex, Cinnamon Chex, Blueberry Chex.  (There's also a Strawberry Vanilla Chex, but it's not at my store.)

I have to say I enjoyed both the Chocolate Chex and Peanut Butter Chex cereals very much.  

It was only after I finished both boxes that it occurred to me, why didn't I have a bowl of both cereals mixed together?  "Hey, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter!"  "Well, you got your peanut butter on my chocolate!"

Remember those old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials from the '70s?

Anyway, the Blueberry Chex was last on my list.  After having a bowl, I called Diana and told her I felt sort of funny.  She asked what I meant.  I said I had an overwhelming urge to wrap a shawl around my shoulders, buy a tweety bird and take up knitting.  The cereal made me feel like Granny from those old Warner Bros cartoons.

Diana asked what the ingredients of the cereal were.  I said "The others are hearty corn or wheat.  This one is rice lace, dusted with Blueberry Powder and Rosemary Extract.  If that doesn't sound like little old lady ingredients, then I don't know what does."

While Diana rolled her eyes, I shivered and told her I had to go.  I wanted to make a hot cup of tea and watch my story, then look at old photos and organize my pill bottles.

Not wanting to be a Grannydug again anytime soon, I went back to my regular Corn Chex (and Grape Nut Flakes, that's been my favorite since I was 12).  But a couple days ago, I was at the store in the cereal aisle, and saw the Blueberry Chex, and told myself "Just buy the darn cereal Doug, it's not made for grannies only."  

I headed up front and got in Jessie's aisle (the 21 year old checker who likes to tease and call me 'Boomer', I wrote about her before here).

Jessie smiled at me, and asked how my day was going.  She's a nice young woman.  When she got to the Blueberry Chex, she said "Oh, you'll really like this."  I said "Do you like it?"   She said "No I've never tried it.  But it's the only cereal my grandmother eats, she loves it!"  

Silly but True Stories, Vol. 2: It's the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, Ms. Worley

A couple days ago on the local news they announced that this May, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette will cease publication.  It's had one heck of a run, the newspaper has been in circulation over 200 years.  I still can't believe it myself, but it's been years since I read the morning paper, let alone bought one.  

Anyway, I've probably mentioned this here before but during my working years, I caught one of two buses to get to downtown Pittsburgh and home again.  The Bellevue Business Flyer & the 16B.  I much preferred the Flyer as it got you downtown twice as fast (no stops between) and also had various drop offs downtown, close to my office.  But it ran on a limited schedule, so I often wound up on the 16B, which had one stop downtown--across the street from the Benedum Center.

The Benedum Center is where Broadway comes to Pittsburgh--gorgeous inside, I've seen several shows there over the years.  (The picture below is my brother-in-law Jim and my niece Sophia at the Benedum to see The Nutcracker a couple years ago.)

One morning in the summer of 1997, I rode the 16B downtown to my job at the Allegheny County Dept of Aging.  I didn't always wear a suit in the summer, but I did wear a shirt & tie.  I had gotten off the bus, was heading up the street when I saw one of the brass doors of the center open, and a tallish woman sort of stumbled out, wearing a long flowery robe.  She had dark hair piled high on her head, with a big pink scarf tied around it.

She looked sleepy and confused, and I remember she was squinting.  She was looking to the right and left, then saw me across the street and said "Boy!  Boy, over here!"  Was she for real?  I was 35 years old!  I was carrying a briefcase!  I shouted back "Yes?"  She said "Where can I find a morning paper!"  I said "You mean the Post Gazette?  Up on Liberty, that's right up the street here--turn right, there's a big news stand on the next block!"

She shouted back "Get me a paper and bring it inside if I'm not out here!"  and wagged her thumb at the theater's doors behind her.  What the--?!  I shouted back "I'm going the other way, I have to go to work!  Sorry!"  She just stared at me, then turned around and went back inside.

When I got to the office, I told a couple of coworkers about the run-in with the strange woman in front of the Benedum, and I said "This is going to sound crazy, but the more I think about it, the more she looked like JoAnne Worley, that comedienne who used to be on Laugh-In."  

Around lunchtime, my boss came over to my desk and dropped a newspaper down, folded open to the Arts section--it said JOANNE WORLEY IS MAMA ROSE IN "GYPSY" AT THE BENEDUM.  What was she doing there at 7:30 in the morning?  Did she spend the night there after the opening of her show?  Was her name on the marquee?  

I wish I had known who it was at the time, I might've gotten that paper for her after all--and maybe a free ticket to her show as well.  Oh well!  

Silly but True Stories, Volume 1: The Bionic Woman & The Man who drank Coffeemate

NOTE:  I've decided to start a new blog category, Silly but True Stories.  It's for when I have something weird or dumb I want to share, but it's small and not really worthy of a "full blog post".  So if you'll indulge me, here we go...

If you visit my blog regularly, you know I'm always talking about my trips to Kuhn's, my local grocery store.  There's a cashier there I like greatly named Carol.  She's in her mid to late sixties, loves to chatter but is a little ditzy.  I'm not fond of that word, but that's what she calls herself.  "Ditzy Carol, that's me!"

In the last few years she's had several medical procedures done: she got a knee replacement 4-5 years ago, then a hip replacement, then another knee replacement.  Two years ago she got some kind of ball bearing inserted into one shoulder, then last year an operation on her collarbone.  She wears something now on her lower arm, for an upcoming wrist operation.  Awhile back I began calling her the Bionic Woman.  (You know... the woman from the 70's tv show with the replacement body parts.)

So one day recently, I went shopping and got into her checkout lane.  (I just aim for the first empty lane I see.)  When it was my turn and I began loading up the belt with my groceries, she smiled and said good morning, then held up my bottle of Hazelnut Coffeemate and said "Sir, is this the only one?"

I said yes, and she said "Ok but there's a sale on these right now--buy one get one half off!"  

I said that was okay, I only wanted the one.  I added "Besides, I'm pretty sure I got the last one on the shelf."

Carol said "Oh really?  Uh-oh!  That spells trouble!"  I asked why.  She said "We have a man that comes in here 2-3 times a week.  He never leaves without one or more of these bottles in his cart!  Personally I think he must drink the stuff!"

I laughed and said wow, that's a lot of Coffeemate.  She said "Well, I don't wanna be here if he shows up and that shelf is empty, that's for sure!"  I said "Is he an angry person?  Does he have a temper?"  

Carol said "Oh, he's nice enough.  I got a bunch of medical stuff done and he likes to call me the Bionic Woman!  Isn't that a hoot?"

Yes Carol, he sounds like a real hoot.