Meanwhile, at the Tiffany: Some of the people in here are pretty out there

Recently, a woman who lives down the hall from me knocked on my door.  I’ve seen her a few times on our floor, rode the elevator with her a couple times, but we’ve never spoken to one another.

So I said hi, can I help you?  She asked me if I ever smelled marijuana in my apartment.  I said no, never.  She said “I smell it in mine sometimes, could it be coming from upstairs?” 

I said that was certainly possible.  Whenever the woman who lives above me cooks something with garlic, I can smell it down here—it must come down through the heating vent.

She said “I haven’t smoked pot since I was 19 and that was over 50 years ago, but it’s not a smell you forget. Have you ever smoked it?”

I was pretty surprised she asked, but said no, I never did.

She said “If I got some pot would you like to smoke it with me?”   

What the--!!  I said no thank you, and she should be careful.  Steiner has a strict policy regarding marijuana.  Not even for medical purposes unless you ingest it, like those cannabis gummies.  She said she hoped she didn't upset me.  I said of course not, and asked if she was an undercover cop or something.  She laughed and said no.

Later that night I told my (very Christian) friend Diana what happened.  Diana said "She probably thinks you're a real square." 

There is another woman on my floor (a little younger, name unknown) who keeps to herself, talks to no one—but she recently hung a sign in our laundry room that read:

Below her loud words she taped 3 tiny pieces of fuzz on the bottom of the paper.  Even without my glasses I could see it was just dryer lint—is she crazy?  Steiner does not like crazy.  They do not like reports of bedbugs either.  In the 7 years I’ve lived here, 4-5 tenants on various floors have reported bedbugs—and all 4-5 tenants were gone in a couple months time.

I don’t know what happened to them.  I don’t know if it was their choice to leave or Steiners.

Lastly, I recently had a couple run-ins with my 70 year old neighbor Dee.  The first was a couple weeks ago, when I was exiting the building as she was coming in, and she asked if the recent ‘door slams’ from her apartment bothered me.

I said they made me jump a couple times, but it was no big deal.  She said “That’s Rosa, honey!  She’s my housekeeper.  She’s here one day a week, I’m not going to say anything.  Good housekeepers are hard to find.”

So are good neighbors Dee, and you are taking yours for granted but whatever.

The second time was a couple nights ago when her tv was louder than usual.  When I knocked on her door, she shouted “YEAH?” without opening it.  I said it was me and asked if she could turn it down a little.  She shouted “I CAN’T HEAR A WORD YOU’RE SAYIN’ HONEY!”

I shouted back “NEVERMIND I’LL CALL STEINER AND LET THEM HANDLE IT.”   Jeez Louise!

She opened her door then, just wide enough to peek out and asked if her tv was too loud.  I said yes.  She said she had hearing aids but often forgot to put them in.  She added “I don't know how far my tv is from my couch, probably 20 feet."  I said “I have a pretty good idea.  The same as mine, 7-8 feet.”  

She said “No honey, Steiner told me when I moved in all the apartments are different.”

Oh Dee… they meant there are 3 layouts: studios, 1 bedroom units, 2 bedrooms.  We both have 1 bedrooms, yours is a mirror of my own.  I was friends with the tenant who lived there before you, plus I caught a glimpse of your stuff the day you moved in.

I wish I could show Dee this layout I came up with showing my apartment and hers, but she might not appreciate my view on things.  Especially when my view includes her things.  The End!