Friday, March 11, 2016

I’ll let you in on a secret: Here’s the Top Ten Things I’m afraid to share on Facebook

unknown apache

 

I’ll admit it, I probably visit Facebook at least 3-4 times daily.  That doesn’t mean I get on there & hang out for an hour, or post goofy memes or funny tidbits about my day or other clever things.  I just like to check in and see if someone else has—you know, posted clever things.  I’m usually disappointed.

Doesn’t that sound snarky?  I suppose I’m just in one of those moods. 

Anyway, while I can probably count on one hand the number of posts I’ve made on Facebook in the last 3 months, I’m not a TOTAL troll;  I ‘like’ and comment on my friends stuff all the time! 

Meanwhile, the wheels in my middle-aged brain are creakily spinning with thoughts I’d like to share—if I didn’t care what anyone else thought, that is.  Thankfully I have this personal blog where I can share these things, so in no particular order….

1. “I voted for Barack Obama in 2008 & 2012, and if Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee in 2016, I’ll vote for her too.”

Obama_hillary

It’s no secret, and if someone asks I’ll proudly ‘fess up.  But gosh there’s a lot of Hillary-haters and Obama-slammers on Facebook, so I’ll just keep my trap shut & scroll past all the sexist & racist comments about these two from all the people who I suspect are racist or sexist.  Or both.  They’re probably both.

2.  “For chrissakes, if you don’t have the answer then why are you sharing this??”

howmany3s

“Bet no one will get this!”   YOU’RE RIGHT,  BECAUSE THE CORRECT ANSWER IS NEVER REVEALED.  NEVER.  So what’s the point?  What?  WHAT??

3.  “I do--I remember you sharing this same photo of a 1950’s Coke machine exactly 3 weeks ago”

Yes its an old Coke machine

And a month before that, and I think you posted this in November 2015 too.  Don’t you remember?  It’s a great photo, but I suspect you have Alzheimer’s.

4.  “Pretty, pretty, pretty.  Boring, boring, boring.”

yawnnn

Everyone likes photos, and I won’t deny these are nice, but all you have to do is google ‘beach sunset’ to see a zillion of them.  Photos of people or pets or events or landmarks on Facebook are much more interesting.

“But Doug, I live in the South & I want to remind all my loser friends up north that while they’re scraping slush and fighting frostbite, this is what I see every day.  Every—single—day.”  

Oh, okay—now I get it.  My bad! 

5.  “For the love of God, please stop ramming your religion down my throat!”

amen

I know that having the son of God in your corner makes you deliriously happy, and it’s your religious duty as a Christian to spread the word and convert some of us heathens in the process.  BUT TELLING ME TO TYPE AMEN OVER & OVER AGAIN IS NOT THE WAY TO DO IT.  

It’s one thing to have faith, but this overzealous behavior is freaky & cult-like, and you need to hand in your iphone and go live on a compound.  Take care and God bless.

6.  “I think most of you gun-owners are gun-happy and should be stripped of your firearms.”

guns

Actually, I did speak my mind once—after one of those awful school shootings.  My sister-in-law promptly let me have it, and gave me a public tongue-lashing.  She said “We should make heroin illegal too, so people stop overdosing—oh wait, we did!”  I thought that was poor justification for letting just about anyone own a personal arsenal, but out of respect for her & my brother I dropped it. 

But the number of gun-deaths in this country speak for themselves.  Unfortunately it falls on deaf ears.

7.  “Okay, I confess I get bored sometimes--but I looove not working.”

Monday Monday

I can’t remember the last time I set my alarm clock, I’m no longer filled with a sense of dread on Sunday nights & I report to NO ONE.  But given all the “I hate Mondays” memes on Facebook each week, people don’t need to hear it.  Have a good day at work, guys.  I mean it.

8.  “You should share this with the guys at your next Klan meeting—not your old schoolmates.”

hater talk

There’s no excuse for this—none.  If you really feel this way, you should keep it to yourself because you’re coming across as a white supremacist.  Is that what you’re shooting for here?  

9.  “It’s none of my business, but you drink like a fish!”

yay drinks

Actually, you’re making it my business when I see your cocktails on my newsfeed week after week.  I’m not a Prohibitionist, I enjoy seeing photos of friends with their friends out on the town, swiggin’ back a few.  Yay for good times.  But what’s with all these close-ups of your liquor?  We get it, you love to drink!

“Doug are you calling me an alcoholic?  Cuz I swear to God, I’ll bust your ass!”

I know that’s the booze talking.  Get back to me when you sober up.

10.  “Hey everyone, just wanted to share my latest blog”

heh heh

The last time I posted a link to my blog where I wrote about hiding out from a blind person I haven’t seen in 20 plus years I got a real earful from a couple hens who didn’t exactly appreciate my sharing that story.  I’m not making that mistake again!tpsymbol

13 comments:

  1. observations are cock-on, Doug, and it is to your credit

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    1. Thanks very much Andrew! Good or tough, your feedback has always mattered to me :)

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  2. Ha! This was hilarious and of course, I could relate to most if not all of them. #9 especially really gets me. I have noticed it seems to be a common type of post among the menopausal, divorced women I am connected to (most of them I know via the Meetup groups.) One lady (whose updates I now have hidden from my feed) even posted a photo of the dinner bill after she and three girlfriends went out one Friday night. There were a dozen Gray Goose martinis listed on it. I had to bite my tongue (hold from fingers) from commenting and asking, "Are you really proud of this?" To be honest, I find it sad...and these posts come from the same person that will declare the following Saturday morning that she's at spin class...as if that negates all of the empty calories she drank the night before!

    OK, I'm venting now so don't mind me...great post!

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    1. Wow, a dozen martinis--and she posted their receipt. Yeah I just don't get that, I guess it's to show the world "look at me, I still know how to party". Sigh! Well thanks for your feedback Pam, it's appreciated. It took me 3 days to get up the courage to share my snarky blog :)

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  3. And the thing is, Doug, I don't know how the drinks were split. One could assume in the party of four that each woman had three martinis; however, one could have had 5-6 and the remainder were split among the other two. These are the same women that lament that there's no good men to date. I think maybe if they stopped hitting the hooch so hard it might raise their dating profile. It really is quite sad to see and encourages me to continue taking care of my body. I very rarely drink and when I do, it's a glass of Riesling or a beer once a week or every 2 weeks. Actually that woman I mentioned is one I've been thinking I'll eventually unfriend on Facebook, as she hasn't acknowledged or commented on anything I've posted in the past year including the job announcement stuff. Not to sound petty or anything...LOL.

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    1. I mean, the remainder split among the other three women.

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    2. Got it--and good for you for taking care of yourself Pam :)

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  4. greetins Doug fucking good job!!!!

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    1. Mike from Ontario--I've missed you man :) Thanks!

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  5. Pure gold. I'll now return to my drinking!

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    1. Thanks Iikka! Yeah you like your beer--but if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't say those awesome pics of Hong Kong, Russia & Finland--you're gold too :)

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  6. Doug! I try not to comment on every blog (not publicly anyway) but have to say, while reading along, truly enjoying every word of it! Whether anyone agrees w/you or not (and of course, I wholeheartedly do), you're really speaking your true mind. Love it. Went from Top 10 to Top 3 before I ever got to the end. This was excellent~

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    1. Wow, thanks very much Shawn--well, I wasn't singling any one person out for any of these, I just get tired sometimes of wading thru all the crap on FB to get to the good stuff. I should do a follow-up soon on the positive aspects, but I think it's going to be a lot harder :)

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