The older I get, the more I like older people: as for you, Mr. Zero wannabe…

Have you ever met someone and been repulsed at first glance, then chided yourself for judging that book by it’s cover, then that cover opens their dumb awful mouth and you realize it’s even worse than you thought?  (If you say yes, Donald Trump then I say good answer and I love you, but I’m actually talking about someone else here.)

Earlier today I got dressed, grabbed my umbrella (it was raining pretty hard) and went downstairs.  I enter the lobby, and there’s three of the Older Women Gang—Violet, Sue & Soso sitting there, and a man is with them.   And oh boy, he is not a pretty sight.

How can I describe him?  Actually, it’s very simple—he’s a DEAD RINGER for Zero Mostel.  Well, if Zero had the flu for a week then rolled out of bed and headed downstairs.  This guy is 60ish, heavy, with greasy strands of hair plastered down this way & that across his bald dome.  He’s wearing a gray t-shirt with a big cactus in the middle and the words BIG N’ PRICKLY below it—and a pair of tan satin short-shorts that made it look like he was wearing nothing down there at all.  My first thought was “Yeow!!”  and my second thought was “Doug, be cool.”
   
Violet says “Well look who’s here!   And where do you think you’re headed off to in all this rain, Mister!”  I say “Just going to the store to get some crushed tomatoes… yikes, it’s really coming down out there isn’t it?”  Violet nods her head somberly.  Sue says “What are you making Doug?  Rigatoni?”   I laugh and say yes, as a matter of fact I am.  Soso says “Doug, this is our new tenant, he moved in our building last week on the fifth floor.  He came here all the way from Arizona, his name is Joel.”   I say hi.  He taps the front of his shirt and says “It’s why I’m wearing this.  T-shirts and shorts are the ONLY things I own.  And the only things I WILL own.”
 
First of all, gross.  Second, my Snarky Gaydar screen has picked up a big one—dead ahead. 
   
I say “So what brings you all the way to Pittsburgh, Joel?”   He says “For the…”  and puts two fingers up from each hand, making air quotes. “PREMIUM healthcare Pittsburgh is known for.  Anyway, I was born & grew up here and came back for a kidney operation and decided to stay put.”

Soso says “Doug was just in the hospital for a kidney operation too!  Did you have your kidney removed, Doug?”   What the—how the heck does she know anything?  I shake my head no, and say I had kidney stones and got a lithotripsy.  Joel says “Only one?  Try having 19 lithotripsies!”  He leans forward then and looks me up and down.  “How old are you?  Late 60s?”
   
As I stand there looking stupid, Sue says “Doug isn’t in his 60s!  He’s 57!  What gave you that idea!”  Joel rolls his eyes.  “If you’d let me finish, I was paying him a COMPLIMENT.  I was going to tell him he looks very… nice for a man his age.  But 57?  I’m 61 and you look older than me.”

Behind him, Violet is shaking her head, mouthing the word “NO”.   Haha, God bless her.  I say “Um… so Joel, are you here on your own?”  He rolls his eyes.  “No, I have 5 little ones upstairs.  Want to meet them?”   I don’t say anything.  He says “I have a partner, Samuel but he isn’t home right now.   I’m sure you’ve seen him, he’s very round and black, and MUCH older than me.  He’s 69.”  I say nope, haven’t seen him around.  Joel says “You probably have, but most white people think all blacks look alike.  Maybe you thought he was one of our so-called… (air quotes) maintenance men.”

What a dick.  Violet shakes her head silently at me again and mouths the word WOW, and I struggle to keep a straight face.  I say “I guess it IS raining too hard to go out right now, I think I’ll wait till later.  Nice seeing you ladies, welcome to the building Joel.”  He says “Why don’t you do the polite thing and sit down and talk to us for awhile.”  Nope, I’ve had all I can take.  I come back upstairs, kick off my shoes, lay down on my couch and fall asleep.   When I awaken an hour or so later, it’s still gloomy outside but the rain has stopped.  I slip back on my shoes, grab my keys and open my door.

And sitting on my welcome mat is a can of something—it’s a 28 oz. can of crushed tomatoes!  My first thought was “Wonder which one of those ladies left this?”
  
My second thought was “Please don’t let this be from Joel.”