Free at last, free at last—Thank God Almighty, free… at Flex?!

I wish it was raining right now.  If it was, I’d go outside and stand under the downpour, arms outstretched like Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption.  It was raining this past Saturday when I went online and canceled my Comcast Xfinity “Triple Play” bundle.

(But I did sign back up for Xfinity’s internet only service.)

I was honestly taken aback when they called me minutes later, feigning hurt & surprise.  I reminded them I called 5 nights ago to do this but agreed to think about it for a few days. 

What more was there to think about?  I was tired of paying $30.00 a month for a phone I didn’t use and $140 a month for 125+ tv channels I didn’t watch! 

A sullen Andrea informed me I had 10 days to return all remotes, wires & equipment.  “Just drop it all off at the nearest Xfinity or UPS Store.”  I asked if Comcast could come and pick it up, and she said “Mr. Morris if we sent our technicians out to every customer who wanted to return their equipment, it would be ALL we did.”  They must be getting a lot of cord-cutters then!

I said “Well, I don’t have an Xfinity or UPS store near me.  They’re miles away and I no longer have a car.”   She asked why not, I said I was too visually impaired to drive safely.  She said “’’We’ll send you a prepaid box, pack it all up and contact UPS to come pick it up.”

I said I was sorry for putting them out, she said “Oh you’re not—9 out of 10 people return their equipment this way.”   Then why—nevermind!

I got the shipping box Tuesday night, and it was ENORMOUSLY SATISFYING dismantling the Xfinity equipment underneath and behind my tv, sorting out the wires & cables and cord splitters and surge protector, what a real mess it was!  It looks so clean back there now, with TWO wires total—one to plug in my tv, and the other to plug in my antenna.

Wednesday morning I got up, called UPS to schedule a pick-up and was told it’d be $8.80 to come to my residence.  When I said I had a prepaid label, I was told this was a “residential pickup” fee.  I asked if I could drop it off somewhere instead, they said yes at a UPS Access Point.  The nearest dropoff was 1.1 miles from me.  Fine, I’d walk!

Now this is the God’s honest truth.  I went downstairs hefting that box and muttering to myself “Doug you cheap son of a—“   when a Port Authority bus pulled up RIGHT ALONGSIDE ME.  The driver opened his door and said “Sir can I give you a lift?”   Wow!

Then it occurred to me that ridership has taken a nosedive because of the pandemic.  I looked at the bus number above the windshield and said “Thanks anyway but you’re a 13 Bellevue, you turn up Balph in 2 blocks and I’m heading a mile straight to CVS.”  He said “Yes sir, I am now headed in that direction.  The 13 route was changed in December sir.”

This young man was so polite—what makes this even more strange, it’s been weeks since I’ve worn or carried a mask with me.  Yet that morning I felt the need to put one in my pocket.  So when he gestured I needed one to ride the bus, it wasn’t a problem.

Five minutes later I was there and dropped my box off.  I was so relieved to be free of that stuff, I almost skipped home.  When I walked in the door, my neighbor Opal was in the lobby and said “Just in time!”  and handed me a box—from Xfinity!   WHAT THE—!!

I called them and asked “What did you just send me?  I have no interest in even opening this.”   The woman on the other end said “Mr. Morris it’s ABSOLUTELY FREE I promise!  It’s an Xfinity Flex, we send them to all our internet-only customers!” 

She went on to explain it was like a Roku, it was a bookshelf device that contained apps to access Amazon Video, Netflix, HBO MAX, Pluto TV, Youtube, etc on my tv.  I said I didn’t need one, I have a smart tv with those apps already.  She said “But you WILL need it to access Peacock Plus—that’s a premium service you can only access for free thru the X1 or Flex!”

She told me that to set it up, I only had to plug it into everything like I’d signed up for cable again.  I said no thanks, but I WOULD like another one of those prepaid labels!