Last Tuesday I noticed things were getting pretty shaggy above my ears, so I crossed my fingers for luck and headed up the street to Lincoln Barber. (They don’t take appointments, it’s either empty or there’s 10 guys in front of you.) Still, aside from a couple tryouts from other barbers/stylists over the years, and my recent six month move back to my hometown (where my Aunt Sandy’s sister Sharon cut my hair and did a pretty nice job) Lincoln Barber has been my go-to place for 20+ years.
Anyway, when I walked inside I saw right away this wasn’t happening--there must’ve been 8 guys ahead of me. Roe (who cuts my hair and takes about 35 minutes to do it) knew I wasn’t about to sit there for 4 hours and said “Sorry Dougie Fresh, try again tomorrow.” Darn it! But I know they’re always busy for a reason. So I waited a couple days, then last Friday I walked back up--and encountered the same busy shop again. Aargh! As I headed home feeling more frustrated than ever, I passed The Man Cave (an overpriced barbershop run by 2 girls in halter tops) and saw it was empty, but there’s a reason for that too. And then I saw a sign in the window of Betty’s Beauty Shop—“MENS HAIRCUTS BY JOE, $12 FRIDAYS ONLY.” Why not?
Here I am back in 2002, after trying out a pricey men’s salon in downtown Pittsburgh; I liked it, even if they did pile a bunch of product on my head.
What I didn’t like was the $35.00 price tag, not including the tip!
So in a nutshell—no, turtleshell—I walk into Betty’s Beauty Shop and there’s an old man with a gray buzzcut in one of the chairs, reading a newspaper. He looks up and says “Here for a haircut?” My gut told me to get out of there, but I said I guess so. He stood up and motioned for me to take his chair. And before I could say “My regular barber uses a No.5 clipper” I heard what sounded like a high-pitched buzzsaw, felt something hot & biting on my head and a large plop of hair fell in my lap. I jerked and said “WHOA! I haven’t even told you what I wanted yet!” He replied “Been cuttin’ hair for 45 years, I know what I’m doing”. After another hard swipe off my noggin, I said “Sir—STOP!! Holy crap, I didn’t want scalped!” He chuckled, then said “It’ll grow back but you gotta let me finish this now.” So I sat there, feeling like a hippie in the barber’s chair after being drafted. When Joe ended his assault, he swung me around to face the mirror (gasp!) then swatted the back of my neck with a wet towel and said “Appreciate your business, come back again soon.” Soon?! I stood up, handed him $15 and walked out of there without looking back.
8 days later, and I know what you’re thinking: “Oh Doug, it doesn’t look that bad…” Trust me—you’re just seeing it from a good angle!
As I headed home, my head hunched down and feeling a LOT of breeze up there, I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass of a store-front. I LOOKED LIKE A TURTLE. And given the way I’ve been living the last several weeks, hiding out in my shell & slow to doing anything, I was reminded of Don Knotts in “The Incredible Mr. Limpet”. You think you’re a fish long enough, you become one. Or in my case, a turtle.
Doug, are you alright? You haven’t written anything in 3 months! Are you glad you moved back to Pittsburgh? How do you like your new place? Have you got it fixed up yet? Hey, weren’t you supposed to start a new job? How’s your TMJ?
These are some of the questions I’ve been asked in the last few weeks, and I have gotten on here several times to share what’s going on or explain recent actions, but frankly I just wondered if it was worth the effort. Plus with everything going on in the world right now, I’ve been feeling a little self-conscious with my much-ado-about-nothing schtick.
(It’s not like I’ve ignored my blog entirely though; I’ve added 25 movie reviews to my Movies page in the last month. Just sayin’!)
So in a real nutshell—yes, I’m VERY glad to be back in my old neighborhood in the city, relieved is more like it. The new place still needs fixing up, but after the money I’ve spent these past 10 months on moving, medical bills & breaking a lease, I’m just not ready to be spending any more right now. And I did start that new job, but decided I liked retirement better after all and left after 2 weeks. (Okay, this one does deserve a lengthier explanation… I’ll save that for next time!)
But all in all, I’m doing just fine. Well, aside from a butchered head.
