This past Wednesday, I went out to lunch with a few people from the Senior Center. We went to Red Lobster on McKnight Road, and I wasn’t sure I was going to share it here as I blogged our trip there a year ago.
But as long as we’re on the subject of seniors and the like…
Evie with a quiet smile, we were waiting to be seated
There is a woman at the center who feels the need to confront me every chance she gets. I’ve been brushing her off, chalking up her meanness to her age or one too many bar fights, who knows. But I do know she is asking for it.This all began several weeks ago, when we went to a restaurant she recommended, the Rockefeller Grille. She sat at a table across from me, kept trying to get my attention. Every time I looked her way, she’d say “Having fun yet? Then why aren’t you smiling? Smile!” and prop up both corners of her mouth with her fingers.
Who is this woman? I knew she was older than me, and in much better shape. She had a tough exterior, like those prison matrons you see in movies about women in jail. We’ll call her Barb Wire.
At our next outing, I’m at the center chatting with Dennis while waiting for our Access shuttle. Barb Wire comes over and says “Where did you grow up? City or country?” Dennis says city, I say country. She looks at me and says “I think you’re lying. You’re too soft to be from the country.”
I shrug my shoulders and ask Dennis if he wants to wait outside with me.
A couple Fridays ago, I’m chatting with Melvin when she comes over to us. She asks if either of us had ever seen a snake up close. We both say yes. She tells us how a snake got in her house once, and she held a broomstick next to it until it curled around it, then she took it outside.
She turns to me and says “I bet you would’ve run out of there screaming like a little girl. Just admit it.”
She’s so awful it’s almost laughable! If I was a woman, I would’ve socked her one. I tell Melvin I’m going to the mens room to wash up before lunch.
Getting back to our lunch at Red Lobster this week… I sat in a booth with Evie, Dennis and Wild Irish Rose.
Dennis got the shrimp linquini, Rose got the steak & lobster. (I got the crispy flounder, Evie got the Admiral’s Feast to have extra for her dinner.)
We’re having a good time, laughing & kidding each other. Barb Wire gets up from her table in the back, comes over to ours and asks if we heard her fish story. The time she went fishing at some lake near some prison.
She tells us after she cast her line, a man walked up and asked if he could leave his wallet and wristwatch with her while he took a swim. She said yes, he jumped in and swam across the lake but didn’t come back. She waited an hour or so, then approached one of the prison guards patrolling the area. Yes he saw the man. He told her the man was so tired after his swim, he walked home.
Um… where was this mystery man’s clothes, his shoes? Did he walk home in his skivvies? This story is pretty fishy.
She says there was no ID in the wallet, and it took her a week to track the man down and return his items.
If Barb Wire was nicer, she'd look very similar to this person cap includedShe then asks us what we would’ve done in her place. No one said anything, so I said “Well, if there was no ID I would’ve checked the wallet for cash then tossed it in a corner mailbox. And added the watch to my collection.” Barb Wire glared down at me and said “THAT TELLS ME WHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU REALLY ARE! I WILL NEVER TRUST YOU WITH ANYTHING OF MINE! EVER!”
We sat there in silence. Evie asks if I will let her out of the booth so she can go to the ladies room. I ask Barb Wire to step back so I can slide out and let Evie out. As Evie scoots across the bench, Wire says “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, HELP HER! SHE’S YOUR FRIEND ISN”T SHE?”
I can’t take anymore of Barb Wire. I did tell one of the women who work at the center about her a couple weeks ago, but was only told they’ve gotten complaints from others about her as well.
Now of course this can’t continue… I spent half my life being bullied by classmates, coworkers, family members. I’m old now and not afraid to stand up to these types. I do regret answering her lunatic question in the restaurant, and I’ll do my best to steer clear of this person going forward. But if she comes at me again, I guarantee she’s going to hear it.
Thanks for listening and letting me get this off my chest. Stay tuned!
OMG Doug. She sounds awful. You definitely need a plan for next time. I'd be tempted to say "Shut the f#@k up! I'm not talking to you." And then walk away. Sometimes a bully needs to be bullied right back. It might help too if you could enlist the support of one of your friends who have seen her in action. If I saw someone talk to my friend like that, I would speak right up! Barb Wire needs to know that her behavior is not acceptable by anyone!
ReplyDeleteBeing a quiet, calm and friendly person (just like you!) anyone listening to me would be shocked. But I refuse at this stage in life to let anyone treat me poorly.
Just my 2 cents 🙂
Carole
Carole, thanks very much--I appreciate this. And I think you're absolutely right, bullies almost always back down when confronted. I don't want to start any trouble, but from now on, no more silence! :^)
DeleteBarb Wire is aptly named (I know it's a nickname to protect the guilty). What a piece of work. She's certainly taken a hate on to you...perhaps you remind her of an ex. I agree, though, you will need to address her behaviour because it seems she is escalating.
ReplyDeleteI suspect asking her, who shit in her cornflakes won't work. :p I've no doubt you'll be more diplomatic and than I would be.
Haha thank you Maebeme, and someone from the center reached out to me and said the same thing--perhaps I remind Barb Wire of an ex. Your cornflakes quote made me laugh, but I will speak up in the future. :^)
DeleteExtremely annoying, and as I'm sure you know, from all your time in the work world, not all that unusual. Never engage with someone like this. You only give them fodder for the next time. Smile politely. Maybe nod. Then move on very quickly. Walk the other way when you see her coming. Your table mate was very smart to depart the table for the restroom.
ReplyDeleteThanks dkzody, but that's all I've been doing--ignoring, walking away. If it happens again (and i'm sure it will) I'm going to have to say something. It can't go on.
DeleteDear God this women sounds awful - full of rage but also seeking your attention - in the worst possible way . You absolutely do not deserve or need her attention - she sounds like a Dementor from the Harry Potter novels- a creature who sucks the joy out of life . I am so sorry that she is seeking you out ( my spidey senses are shouting AVOID HER DOUG ) but she absolutely has no right to impact on the enjoy ment you get from these outings and in your friendships . She ain’t a friend and she ain’t gonna pass the audition to be one . You ( sadly and again undeservedly ) have too many experiences of being bullied- you know your worth and it’s right to raise concerns with the staff . Please don’t let her stop you going and seeing your friends- you have a lot of fun and that comes across so clearly in your blog . Since Tony died I have adopted a different approach to toxic people ( and Barb Wire is a great name for her ! )- I no longer try and see the bigger picture , or walk a mile in their shoes or try to befriend them - recently I told someone that I was going to stop spending time with her ( she’s a neighbour who tries to visit often and her only topic of conversation is herself - sound familiar ? 🤣) as I simply did not enjoy her company and life was too short . I am perfectly polite when I see her , but if she tries to engage I simply say no - and walk away
ReplyDeleteOf course the Irish in me wants to fly over and punch her on your behalf , but you don’t need rescuing. You’ve got this
Don’t let Barb get you down
Siobhan
Siobhan, this was such a nice read--thank you for taking the time to read my blog and write this out, you're a good friend. I very much like your advice, and so agree about being tired of trying to see the big picture or walking in someone elses shoes. "Nice people finish last" rings true. You're right, I got this. Thanks again. :^)
DeleteShe needs attention and doesn't mind getting it in negative ways. I would say to ignore her but at this point (and from your encounters with her), I don't think that's feasible. I would rehearse how I want to react to her and what to say so that you're prepared for next time. Because there will be a next time!
ReplyDeleteThank you Margaret, well said and very good advice. I'm going to do just as you said, rehearse something and be prepared. 👍
DeleteDug, I'm a bit 'at a loss' as to what you should do about 'Barbed Wire'. It's obvious she wants attention. But it's sad too. Maybe she needs a friend and no one will befriend her. I knew people like that in my younger days... Or maybe she has a bit of bi-polar or dementia and can't help her behavior? But possibly the others are right - and you need to simply confront her (by asking outright what she wants from you?) The Staff at the Senior Center may be aware that she has a problem and might share some info with you? I know this comment is of no help, but these are my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback Rian, your comments are always helpful. I did talk to the staff this morning, one of them saw my blog and called me. They know she has some personality issues so to speak. They told me not to be afraid to speak up to her as she can be pretty abrasive and complains about everything. I wish we could all just get along, but that's just not going to happen. Anyway thank you again and I sure hope your eye is doing okay. I look forward to your next blog. 🙂
DeleteI feel the same about this Barb from Hell. She needs someone to give her a talking to. It doesn't need to be you, either. Sending hugs and hope for retribution for her.
ReplyDeleteThank you DJan and I'm very much looking forward to reading your Sunday blog. I'm anxious to hear how things went with your surgery on Thursday. ❤️👍
DeleteTo be so nasty, Barbed definitely has an anger issue. I would love to tell you how to deal with her but I have the same sort of problem with weirdos like her. I've never figured out how to handle it. With the barbed, I would be cautious because she may go "apesheesecabob" when you talk back to her.
ReplyDeleteI had a woman at work who constantly hassled me and one day the air conditioner was out in the building we worked in. She starts in on me and I give a curt response. She stopped. I never had a problem with her again.
I would not let her discourage you from attending any event at the senior center.
Thank you Ann, thanks for sharing your own experience with someone like this. I'll do what you did, and see if she picks up on my curtness. I'm not going to let her discourage me from going there.
DeleteWell, that took a turn. I keep telling Mr Merry we need to go out to the Red Lobster in a neighboring city since we always liked going there and I read somewhere they are having financial issues. I was interested in how you thought the food was - and the wonderful company of Evie, Dennis and Wild Irish Rose.
ReplyDeleteBoy, Barb Wire is nothing but trouble. You must remind her of someone or a time in her life when she was very unhappy and she wants you to pay for that. I agree with everyone - you need to shut her down.
I wish I could think of something helpful. I am a person who usually walks away or hides from those troublemakers. And late on I think about what I should have said. I think it needs to be a firm statement, delivered in a firm tone and then turning away from her. And repeated anytime she comes near you. Maybe something like "I do not want to associate with you, please leave". I will try to think of something better.
What an unpleasant person!
Miss Merry, my food was okay but I really should have gone after the lobster or my friend Dennis's linguine. His dish looked awesome and contained a lot of shrimp. And you know they have those biscuits that were very hot and fresh, I could have ate a couple of those baskets and nothing else! I think you could be right, that I remind barbed wire of someone. She seems both drawn to me but angry about it as well. I'm a lot like you, I don't want to confront her but what you said here, and repeating it I think is the way to go.
DeleteYour patience is impressive my friend Hopefully the staff steps in soon so you can keep enjoying those lunches
ReplyDeleteThank you Asep, you're very kind as always. I hope things are good with you.
DeleteHi Doug. Long time - no comment.😄 I enjoy reading your posts (as you already know). I couldn't let this one go by without adding my thoughts. This woman definitely is a big problem. DO NOT LET HER SLIDE WITH THIS! Yes, you (and everyone else) should stop her in her tracks. But, this is all happening in an organized setting under the direction and umbrella of a licensed organization--the Senior Center. They have an obligation both morally and legally to ensure a safe and nonthreatening environment. It sounds like they are aware of this woman and what she is doing. They have a duty to inform her that her behavior is unacceptable in their organization and warn her that she can be suspended. Then they should follow through. This should not go on one more minute. Promise me you won't let it.
ReplyDeleteHey Don, it sure is good to hear from you. I wondered where you were! Anyway, thank you for your input here and as a matter of fact the center did reach out to me yesterday morning, I was surprised how fast they saw this. They did tell me they can't step in for everything, but if this continues and they need me to talk to her they will. I said I hope it doesn't come to that, I'm just going to do my best to steer clear of her. But I do have a feeling someone will still be saying something.
DeleteDoug, I'm going to give you some friendly push back here. You know I spent 36 years in public education--teacher, principal, and district human resources director. I've had LOTS of bullying training. This is classic bullying. And I know the way organizations work. They would rather not have to confront her but they must. "If this continues" is not acceptable. Why do they think its not going to continue? They already have had other people complain. And, if you look at the other well-meaning comments here, almost all of them speak of what YOU should do or say. No. You shouldn't have to DO or SAY anything. You were invited to attend these sponsored events and, in many cases, paid money to participate. The organization has the responsibility to make the environment safe and free from abuse and "hassle" from another participant. Period. I know it sounds tough but until we all stop seeing bullying as something the victim should solve this will go on. Doesn't matter if the people are 8, 13, or 64. Bullying is bullying.
DeleteThank you Don, I do appreciate your input here. Like I wrote in my blog, it's not going to continue one way or the other. Also, I don't see her that often to be a real problem. I don't think anyone does. We'll see what happens in the days ahead now that more people are aware of the situation.
DeletePoor 'Barb Wire' has a severe personality impairment.
ReplyDeleteTry giving her a comic response like, "Aw come on, quit flirting with me!" or "Oh, you sweet talker!" or "I know you want me, but you can't have me!"
It would certainly give bystanders a laugh and perhaps even embarrass her a bit. Enjoyed reading the other comments. ❤️❤️🦉
Thank you very much Florence, this is funny but good advice too. And this is more my style to be honest! It might make her angrier, who knows... But I'm willing to give it a go. 😊❤️👍
DeleteI hope that your response to her (really quite fanciful) tale will mean that she stays away from you. She certainly sounds like a pain in the you know where.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could go the full Robert De Niro, “You talkin’ to me?”
I grew up in the country too, but I was a “townie” – my father was a tailor so my hands weren’t hardened from manual labor (they still aren’t).
I’ve never understood why anyone would want steak and lobster together; separately yes, but not together – you’d (okay, I’d) need a glass of white wine and a glass of red to go with that (well, probably more than a glass).
Thanks Peter, I haven't seen her since that lunch but I'm hoping we can avoid each other going forward. The Robert De Niro line is a hoot, I'll have to remember that one! Well there's nothing wrong with being a townie or having soft hands, and if it makes you feel any better, Rose only ate the lobster and took the steak home to have later for her dinner! I was just thinking I've never had the two together, maybe I'll give that a go sometime. As for wines, I wouldn't mind a wine slushie from that Winery again.😋
DeleteI just had a thought: I wonder if Barb knows that you write a column, and if so, does she read it?
DeleteThat would certainly get the message across if she did.
Peter I'm sure she doesn't, she barely knows me at all. I don't even think she knows my name which makes this even more insane. I'd prefer she not see this, she has some real anger management issues. I'm playing with fire!
DeleteSo sorry about barbed wire. People like that just ruin a friendly outing. Sounds like she has trust issues since she tested you with that story. I would have ignored her or told her to back off. But I love seeing the pictures and hearing what you all had for lunch!
ReplyDeleteWe recently had snake number 2 in our basement. Things with our house started changing right after my dad died..sept 2 2016.. like the house knew my dad was gone..one thing was that mice started to come in..which never happened before..we called a mouse guy and he said they were probably living in the yard and coming in from the outside..a snake made its way into the basement chasing the mice..which is where I like to run on my treadmill…just as my bro and sis got the bucket it went back the way it came in..a small hole in the basement ceiling we quickly plugged up..the first snake sis and I wrestled out with a rake..I like the idea of it wrapping around a broom handle..needless to say we haven’t seen any mice but I’m sure they will be back..if I could get snake smell in a spray..that would be so great..
Beth
Thanks Beth, and yikes about those mice and snakes, glad you got that resolved. I had problems with mice getting into my apartment a couple years ago, they discovered a hole in the wall behind the dishwasher. I never thought about snakes following them up here! Sure I'm glad that didn't happen..
DeleteShe reminds me of my obnoxious Aunty Violet. Thank God she’s dead. Ugh. Gigi Hawaii
ReplyDeleteWell, she had a pretty name at least 🙂
DeleteMy comment must not have gone through. Perhaps it was deleted for being offensive. (Okay if it was.) But if it were me, I would speak with the group I was sitting with next time and give them a heads up. If they choose to join you, that is great. As soon as you see her headed your way, hold up your hand and say firmly, 'you need to stop. I do not want to hear your nonsense.' If she begins talking anyway, just talk over her. If your table mates join in your conversation, it is quite an effective way to shut people down.
ReplyDeleteMy father, a gentle man of refinement and good manners handled it differently. He leaned forward aggressively and bellowed 'If I wanted any of your s--t, I would unscrew the top of your head and dip it out!' Surprisingly effective, btw
Thanks Debby, I'm sorry for your first comment, I never saw it. I appreciate your advice, sadly I don't think anyone there is as strong as yourself. I worry if I gave people a heads up troubles coming, they would just find someplace else to sit. This doesn't always happen, we were at the winery a couple weeks ago, she was there and I didn't even know until the day after. Your dad's Bellow was pretty funny, this one has real anger problems though I don't want to antagonize her! I am just going to quietly tell her I'm not interested in this conversation if she starts up something with me again.
DeleteGigi Hawaii. I will blog and post at least once a week.
ReplyDeleteGood for you Gigi, I'll keep stopping by 🙂👍
DeleteSounds like a middle school kid with a crush - too maladroit to be pleasant but anything for attention from the crushee. So it's all on you for being such a babe magnet.
ReplyDeleteCeci
Haha! Thank you Ceci, if only it was really that! 😄❤️
Delete