As my 64th birthday nears... My Autumn Sonata

Liv Ullman, Ingrid Bergman in Autumn Sonata, 1979

Yesterday when I got out of bed and checked the weather--temps in the 40s, blustery winds, gray skies--I decided I'd spend some time reading, have an early lunch of tomato soup and a roast turkey sandwich, then find something quiet to watch.  I came across this Swedish movie from 1979 on HBO Max, just what I was looking for.  Autumn Sonata, starring Ingrid Bergman & Liv Ullman.

I won't give too much of the story away.  Ingrid Bergman is an international concert pianist who comes to stay with her daughter and son-in-law for a few days, and in the process we learn how estranged these two really are.  That first night, Ingrid's daughter (Liv Ullman) glows to her husband how different her mother seems now, and she just knows her mom is happy to be with family again. 

Meanwhile, Ingrid is upstairs in bed, admiring the 5 million francs in her bankbook and anxious to get out of there and fly to Paris.  She's a tough bird who doesn't like being around needy people, including her daughter.  

There's almost an irony here.  In real life, Ms. Bergman had just turned 64 and discovered a lump under her breast during filming.  It would turn out to be an aggressive lymphoma, and she would have to cancel her plans for another movie.  This would be her final film.  In a year she'd be crippled from the cancer and die just two years later.  You never know when it's your time.

I apologize for the bleakness here, but as I sat here and read about Ingrid's life ending at 64, I can't help but hope mine picks back up again.  I'll be turning 64 this Friday.  I really thought the long covid was mostly under control, was able to go on a few outings this summer.  But since my setback in mid-September, even a trip to the grocery store is overwhelming.  My friend Diana says "you beat it before, you will again" and I believe that.  I just wish I knew when.  

After my birthday I'll be applying for Social Security.  I worked many years for it (most of us do) but it still amazes me I'm eligible and technically have been for two years.  This time next year, I'll be signing up for Medicare.  I can't believe my parents never made it that far.  

I know I share too much personal info here, but once I get started... in the summer of 2001, a few months after Dad died, and 3-4 months before I turned 40, I was spending the weekend with my mom.  We got to talking about finances, and she asked me if I had a lot of money saved.  I said "What do you define as a lot?"  She said a half-million dollars.  I laughed and said "Mom, how much do you think I earn?!"  

I told her I had $2,500 in my checking account, $45,000 in my retirement account and $155,000 in an online savings account.  I had to explain what an online bank was and how it was FDIC insured just like her local bank, but paid much higher interest.  She still thought it sounded risky, but asked if I had plans for my savings.  I said yes, when the time was right I'd buy a house.

I didn't buy any houses.  Mom passed in 2004, and in 2009 when we were dealing with "The Great Recession", interest rates dropped and my savings account went from earning $400 a month interest to almost nothing.  I decided to move my nest egg into the stock market where it grew better than expected.  It allowed me to retire in my mid-50s.

But as someone who grew up relatively poor, and spent most of his twenties in a succession of minimum wage jobs and often on the verge of homelessness, I never lost that frugal mindset.  In fact, it's taken me all these years to finally stop worrying about going over my monthly budget.  I no longer have a monthly budget.  (I'll never spend a penny on iphones, bottled water, Taylor Swift or gambling though.)

Right now, my goals are to recover from this awful setback, see my friends at the senior center again, visit my sister and brother-in-law in Greene County and maybe my second cousin's hamburger stand (if it's still standing that is).  I want to spend some time with my friend Diana in West Virginia and tour the "Hare Krishna Palace of Gold" in Moundsville and the haunted prison in Morgantown.   Almost heaven, West Virginia.  I do love that state.   

For now, all I can do is bide my time and hope for better days.  It's so frustrating when you have the time, you've got the resources, but your head's a witches cauldron, a scary kettle of things.  Well, it's almost Halloween you know.  

I guess that wraps up my Autumn Sonata...my hands tapping on laptop keys vs. piano keys.  Thanks very much for reading.  A lot of you out there have been such good friends on here, and I can't tell you how much it's meant to me.  Thanks again.