Oh the Drama
Oh the Horror
Keep Me in Suspense
Feels like Sci-Fi
Isn't it Romantic
So-called Comedies
Western Unions
Comic Book Heroes
Kid Stuff
Fact not Fiction
Cinema Fantastico (Subtitles)
Just Seen
A Dark Song (2016) After the death of her little boy, Sophia
hires an occultist to help contact her son and know who murdered him. It’s a
painstaking ritual… we’ll have to isolate ourselves from the world for 6-8
months. She'll spend her
days crouched in painted circles on the floor, slaked with thirst, praying and fasting,
enduring abuses, to what end? When
miracles occur, horrific and gleaming and divine, and only then. Dear God… this trembles with genius. My grade: A Plus
The Witch (2016) In
1630 New England, a fiercely devout farmer moves his family to the
countryside. Misfortune comes with them, and as desperate prayers fall
on deaf ears, the smallest ones cry of witches and the Devil, and no one
is safe from the other. They are damned, in ways both you and they
believe. What a dark & brilliant vision this was--it stuns,
truly. My grade: A Plus
A Ghost Story (2017) After
his wife identifies his body following an accident, Casey Affleck’s
ghost (draped head to toe in a sheet) silently follows her home. He’ll stand there passively watching her grieve, eat, sleep. Years pass, she falls in love again, moves out. Other families will come & go… still he waits for her return. Will he ever move on too? In time, in this eerily silent tale of loss. Gulp… a masterstroke of storytelling. My grade: A
I am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016) Lily
is a prim hospice nurse hired to tend to aged horror novelist Iris Blum
in her secluded New England home. The ghost of a young Victorian woman
is here too, but Lily lives more in fear of the long shadows and quiet;
what will she do when confronted with the real thing? Like an HP
Lovecraft story, the horror here is in words & words, Lily's
own. My grade: A
Fresh (2022)
Twentysomething Noa is fed up with the dating scene when she bumps into
Steve at the supermarket. Handsome, clumsy, too honest.. she’s
smitten. They’ll date, and then one weekend he invites her to his home.
CUE THE TITLE AND MUSIC, 30 MINUTES INTO THE FILM. This will suddenly
turn scary dark, so much so at times it’s almost laughable. Warning,
this is a horror movie with gore galore, but it was still smart, evil. My grade: A-
The Deeper You Dig (2020) Ivy is giving a Tarot
card reading when she hears the faintest whisper: I love you Mom.
And in an old farmhouse nearby, a stranger has just murdered Ivy's 14 year old
daughter Echo. In the days that follow, as Ivy searches in vain for her
child, the killer's conscience is being haunted by guilt or...? He's going
to kill Ivy too... well, he'll try. Ferocious violence lies ahead... and
madness. That's all that's left. My grade: A-
The
Boy (2016) Greta comes to England to be a
live-in nanny to an eccentric wealthy couple’s 8 year old son. What she soon
discovers is he’s a lifesize doll. “Wake him at 7, dress him, he gets 3
hours of reading and music…” Is this for real?? Greta plays
along, until the couple announce they’re going on holiday. Oh boy! This isn’t what you think so ignore the critics, you’re about to get 90 minutes
of first-rate chills. Scary good show! My grade: A
The Rite (2011) When
a young priest questions his faith, he's sent to Rome to study
& work with an older priest/doctor (Anthony Hopkins) who's an
eccentric--and a reknown exorcist. Based on real events, this movie is
complex, thoughtful and horrific; and Hopkins is outstanding. Well done.
My grade: A
Black Swan (2010) Natalie
Portman gives an amazing, chilling performance as Nina Sayers, a
fragile but obsessive dancer for the NYC Ballet who descends into
madness after being chosen as the Swan Queen. When she transforms into
the Black Swan, I was gasping right along with the other performers in
her company. Very dark, but Natalie was brilliant. My grade: A
House of Voices (2004) A
young woman is hired to help tend to a recently emptied 1950s French
orphanage that houses a cook and one orphan, and many mysteries within.
Confounding in plot, but it's still a beautiful ghost story; sometimes
that's all that's needed. My grade: A
A Cure for Wellness (2017) When
Lockhart (an upstart at a NY investment firm) is sent to a froufrou
sanitarium in the Swiss Alps to retrieve their CEO, he’ll find himself
in a castle populated with glassy eyed patients, a strange staff and
even stranger contraptions. Oh he just knows something sinister is afoot, and so do we in this grand, dark look into madness, perversion & inventive horror. The ending, that’s no surprise. It was still worth the wait. My grade: A-
The Pact (2012) After
the death of their abusive mother, two sisters reluctantly return home
to attend her funeral. Not a good idea--one disappears, leaving the
other to discover her childhood home is filled with horrific secrets.
Well crafted & genuinely suspenseful, where did this little gem
come from? My grade: A-
Personal Shopper (2017) Kristen Stewart is a personal assistant to a model in Paris—she hates
it, but she’s a medium too and it pays the rent while she tries to
contact her dead twin brother who lived there. After
3 months of no success, she considers moving on when she begins
receiving texts from an unknown caller… stylish and moody with a spooky
slant, I only wish Kristen’s brother had better answers for her. I
could watch Kristen all day. My grade: B Plus
Gerald’s Game (2017) Attempting
to add sparks to their marriage, Jessie (Carla Gugino) allows Gerald to
handcuff her to the bedposts at their lakeside cottage; but Gerald
suffers a heart attack and dies, and Jessie will too if she can’t figure
out a way to free herself. Those voices in her head have a lot to say, but why is her 12 year old self in there too? Based on a Stephen King novel, it’s horror alright, but mature and inspiring too. My grade: B Plus
The Monster (2016)
10 year old Lizzy is desperate to get out from under her mother’s
abusive, alcoholic thumb and live with her dad. As her worn mom gives
in and drives her there, their car will break down on a forest
road—forcing them to confront something ferocious and impossible, in
Bryan Bertino’s tale of mothers, daughters & monsters. It’s as
tragic & smart as it is terrifying, and a real surprise to see
such horror done this well. My grade: B Plus
Salem’s Lot (2024) It’s 1975, and writer Ben Mears has returned to Jerusalem’s Lot where he grew up, looking for inspiration. It’s the sleepy little town he remembers, now even more so—it's citizens have become vampires and only emerge at dusk. Based on the Stephen King book, it lacked the slow buildup and finale of it's 1979 tv predecessor but is still a scary fun film. READ THE BOOK I COMMAND YOU. My grade: B
Talk to Me (2023)
When a group of teens discover they can summon and be possessed
by spirits for 90 seconds by holding an embalmed hand and saying “Talk
to me”, it’s scary, dangerous fun. But when Jade’s little brother Riley
begs for a turn too, he’ll immediately go mad. Can anyone help? Mia's
dead mother says yes but someone will have to die. This is thought
provoking horror, but grotesque and bloody too. You've been warned. My grade: B
X (2022) It’s 1979, and a group of cocaine snortin' misfits are armed with a movie camera and aspirations to make an adult film and become rich. They’ve rented an old farmhouse in rural Texas, owned by a ghastly, ancient married couple. The horror will soon begin. This is not pleasant, but if you miss those 1970’s drive-in films with boobs, butts & blood, it's an impressive tribute. My grade: B
The Black Phone (2022)
Set in 1978, 13 year old Finn has to deal with bullies in school, a
drunken dad—and now a maniac in a frightful fanged mask who just
abducted him and locked him in his basement. Can someone help? Maybe,
if he’ll answer that antique rotary wall phone. It contains the voices
of the dead. This was good, but like a macabre primer for 13 year olds
to horror films. Kids, it’s pretty violent. My grade: B
The Night House (2022)
After the suicide of her husband Owen, Beth is a haunted woman, at
night in her beautiful lakehouse. She keeps having visions and a wet
voice whispers “Dreams.” And then one night she sees a duplicate
of her own house across the lake… who built it & why? And what
will she find when she visits there? It's a pretty far-fetched mystery,
but a horrific spin on what some people will do. My grade: B
Out of Darkness (2022) It is 45,000 years BC, and as a tribe of Stone Age people travel a barren landscape, weariness turns into desperation; they are starved, and in turn being hunted by something they can’t see. Is it a supernatural being? No, something far better in this ancient horror story. This would certainly explain much. My grade: B
Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021)
When (adopted) Margot learns her birth mom was Amish, she & a film
crew travel to her mother's strange community to film a reunion. She’ll
learn they’re not really Amish, but glad the girl's returned. Why??
This is more Blair Witch with it's creepy church in the woods,
but it’s a crafty and imaginative tale too. And the ending’s about as
horrifying as you can get. God help us! My grade: B
Malevolent (2018) A reluctant Angela (Florence Pugh) and her
brother Jackson are paranormal investigators, who claim to ferret out bad
spirits. (Not really, Jackson’s a
con-man.) But when a woman calls about little girls screaming in her giant, crumbling mansion, things will get very real. It’s spooky with a gory slant as there are scarier things than ghosts, but Florence (Lady
Macbeth) is so watchable, she makes it all the more compelling.
My grade: B
The Blackcoat’s Daughter (2017)
When the parents of 2 (unrelated) girls at a Catholic prep school fail
to show for winter break, Kat & Rose will remain (with 2 nun
chaperones, mostly absent). As the older Rose worries she’s pregnant,
young Kat is descending into a darkness with no escape. It’s
head-scratching art house horror, steeped in atmosphere; hours later, as
I write about it here, I’m realizing what I’ve seen. Oh so black and
creepy, and better than I thought. My grade: B
Split (2017) Dennis
is a man with 24 toothbrushes. Why so many? His doctor (wonderfully
played by Betty Buckley) knows--he has multiple personality disorder. What she doesn't know is that one of Dennis' personas just abducted 3
girls. There's real terror ahead, but for one it's a nightmare lived
already in M.Knight Shayamalan's tale of scars and madness. My grade: B
Trash Fire (2016) Owen is the worst, a real
lout—everything he says & does is wrong (so wrong it's funny). His fed-up girlfriend Isabelle threatens to
walk unless he changes his ways, and that includes meeting his family. “But
all I have is a crazy grandmother & scarred up sister who hates me.” I guess Owen isn’t so bad after all in this
insane, black humored horror spin. My
God, how campy and awful (and entertaining) this was! My grade: B Plus
I Am Not a Serial Killer (2016) John goes to
school and works in his family’s funeral home. He has a good heart but sees a therapist, he claims he has to suppress
the urge to kill. But when murders begin
occurring in his small town, he’ll follow someone he suspects, only to see them
die at the hands of the real serial killer. Worse, the killer is someone he knows. Strangely this has an upbeat positive feel to it… but one monstrous
climax! My grade: B Plus
It Follows (2015) In a quiet ‘70s suburb, pretty Jay is seduced by a young man who tells
her how sorry he is, but he’s just passed on a curse. She’ll be
followed by a figure who can appear as anyone, but only visible to her. And if they get close enough… “Save yourself, sleep with someone and pass the curse on.” Short on horror, long on suspense, what makes this exceptional is the
‘Night Gallery’ score, the direction, the production. It’s an eerie
thing to watch. My grade: B Plus
1922 (2017) The
two loves of Wilfred’s life is his 15 year old boy Henry, and their
farm in Nebraska. But the land is in his wife’s name and she wants to
sell and move to the city. She warns Wilf if he refuses, she’ll divorce him and take Henry with her anyway. "Daddy, isn’t there any other way?” “No son… we have to end her, and I’ll need your help.” Things
soon take a very dark turn for all, in Stephen King's guilt-ridden
chiller. More sad than frightful, but still haunting. My grade: B
Get Out (2017) Chris is dubious when his girlfriend tells him they’ve been invited to her parent’s house for the weekend. “Did you tell them I’m black?” They know, Chris… they know. And they have some big plans for you in this curious, smart horror flick. (Favorite
scene is when Chris best friend goes to the cops, he worries Chris has
been kidnapped by whites to be their sex slave.) Yes, I’ll take my terror with some of that dark humor, please! My grade: B
It
(2017) Say goodbye to Georgie when Billy makes a
paper boat for his little brother to float in the gutter. “Hello
Georgie… I’m Pennywise!” says the
clown in the sewer. When other kids
begin disappearing, Billy & his friends will figure out it’s been happening
in their town every 27 years… so how do they stop it? It’s the Goonies meet Stephen King in this
(more nostalgic than horrific) adaptation of his scary bestseller from 30 years
ago. Smile! My grade: B
Before I Wake (2016) After the death of their son, Mark & Jessie adopt Cody—a sweet but fragile boy. He
brings life into their house, in ways they never expected—when he
sleeps, his dreams of butterflies and other wonders come to life! But so do his nightmares, which include the deadly Canker Man. Can they figure out who Canker is and stop him before it’s too late? Yes & no in this well-crafted horror with a surprise element—hope for happiness in the end. My grade: B
The Visit (2015) After
being estranged from her parents for 15 years, a single mom allows her 2
(very smart) kids to go spend a week with them on their farm. Things
start out nice enough, but when each grandparent confides to the kids
that the other is crazy, look out. Oh M.Knight Shayamalan... it's
creepy in a kid's nightmare sort of way, but I saw what you were doing. My grade: B
The Canal (2014) David
is a tormented man; he suspects his wife is in love with someone else
& wants to leave him, all while discovering their house was the
site of grisly killings in 1902. And now a dead body is found floating
in the canal beside their home... could he be to blame? It's a horror
film for sure, but still a superior, mysterious story. The final moments
left my mouth agape. My grade: B
Maleficent (2014) Disney
puts a new, creepy spin on it's 1959 classic 'Sleeping Beauty', with
Angelina Jolie as the meanie who puts a sleeping curse on a princess.
She was once a good witch--that is, until a man done her wrong, and hell
hath no fury like an Angelina scorned. It's a surreal mix of faeries
and Disney humor and bloodshed, I'd like to know who the target audience
was for this. My grade: B
Housebound (2014) Convicted
for theft, Kylie is sentenced to house arrest; to make matters worse,
it's 8 months in her mother's house, which she despised growing up and
hasn't lived in for years. But there are other truths here, darker
ones--what will it take for people to believe Kylie?? It's an odd blend
of real horror and black humor, New Zealand style--but these guys make
it all seem natural. My grade: B
Come Back to Me (2014) Shortly after meeting her creepy new neighbor, Sarah begins having
blackouts--and vivid dreams where she sees her loved ones or herself in
deadly peril. What's going on? Something ridiculous, but it's original
and explains everything. If you watch this thru to the end, keep in mind
it's a horror film; it ain't pretty, folks. My grade: B
The Conjuring (2013) Based
on real events (ahem), famed paranormal investigatoes Ed &
Lorraine Warren get the scare of their lives when they're asked by the
Perron family to help rid the old home they just bought of some very
wicked ghosts. Geez I hope the real home didn't look as rotten to the
core as this one did! Nothing new to see here folks, move along. My grade: B
Byzantium (2013) Ella
& Clara are different as night & day; one in a constant
state of melancholy, the other exchanges sex for money. They claim to
be sisters, but they're not; they are vampires, on the run for 200
years. And Ella is ready to share their secret with the world. Stylish
and brooding, they have no souls but they still have hearts. My grade: B
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) History
takes a backseat in this wildly imaginative, slickly done horror
adventure that finds our 16th president losing his mother to vampires as
a child--and swearing vengeance on them as his own destiny unfolds. My
God what a farce but I enjoyed it! My grade: B
Sinister (2012) Ethan
Hawke is a true crime writer who moves his family into a home where the
previous family was hanged in the backyard so he can better research
his new book (oh, when his wife finds out!) Hey who left that old film
projector and stack of home movies in the attic? Honey, make some
popcorn... My grade: B
Dream House (2011) Daniel Craig moves his wife and daughters into a sweet suburban home,
only to discover the previous family there had been slaughtered. And
now, dark figures hover outside, so why won't the police help? Surprises
await in this supernatural thriller, but Craig in the lead role makes
all the difference. My grade: B
Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) Set
in 1988, this 'prequel' with a young mom, her 2 daughters &
live-in boyfriend who suspect something unnatural is in their home is
probably my favorite. I loved the VHS videocamera tied to an oscillating
fan, but when the 5 year old tied a scarf around her head and whispered
"I'm Toby's bride..." I shuddered. My grade: B
Let Me In (2010) Hollywood's
remake of the quiet Swedish horror "Let The Right One In", it's the
story of a bullied, lonely 12 year old who is befriended by a mysterious
little girl in his apartment building, who helps him find the courage
to stand up to his tormentors. Sweet in a horrific way, it's actually a
good retelling with a few extras thrown in. My grade: B
Red White & Blue (2010) When the lives of three broken people intersect (a diseased bed hopper
named Erica, a sociopathic musician & an Iraq veteran with a
shady past), things take a brutal and horrifying turn in this graphic
display of revenge, revenge, revenge. Whew. My grade: B
Orphan (2009) Vera
Farmiga & Peter Sarsgaard adopt a 9 year old Russian girl after
the death of their infant daughter; can you guess what happens next?
Probably, but this was still a stylish, well done film. (The end credits
are so creepy!) My grade: B
Case 39 (2009) Why did those creepy parents attempt to stuff their daughter into an
oven? Renee Zellweger is a social services caseworker who intends to
find out. While this thriller was predictable enough, it was still
suspenseful from beginning to end. Renee in the title role made it all
the more credible. My grade: B
Possession (2008)
When Sarah Michele Gelar's husband & brother-in-law collide in
an auto accident, only one survives. But who is who? What's interesting
is the 'alternate movie' feature on the DVD; that version of the film
is both touching & original. My alternate grade: B
Joshua (2007) is
a gifted child, always deep in thought and accustomed to his family
dynamic until the day his parents (Sam Rockwell & Vera Farmiga)
bring home a baby daughter. Nothing is as it seems here in this tense,
foreboding tale of manipulation... man this kid was creepy. My grade: B
Apartment 7A (2024) It’s 1965, and Terry (Julia Garner) has come to New York City in hopes of becoming a dancer. A twisted ankle will end that dream, but when Roman & Minnie (Dianne West) offer to help her out, why the sky’s the limit! She just has to do ONE thing… clearly a prequel to Rosemary’s Baby, it has pricey production values but the lackluster story doesn’t compare to the original. Loved Dianne West tho, she does a great Ruth Gordon. My grade: B-
Smile (2022)
Rose is confronted with a hysterical young woman claiming someone’s out
to get her—who then goes silent, grins and slits her own throat. Now it’s your turn, Rose!
She figures she has 4-5 days to stop the same thing from happening to
her, but how? Just remember, this is a HORROR movie not a Lifetime
flick, so… PS. The ‘smile’ angle was not necessary, like this movie.
Good acting by the lead actress though. My grade: B-
A Quiet Place Part 2 (2021)
Alien monsters (who are blind but have super hearing) continue to wreak
havoc as they hunt down and gobble up noisy Earthlings. The first
movie (which I graded A- and listed in the sci-fi reviews) was far more
suspenseful and clever. This sequel is more horror, less suspense. Hope
we get closure in the obviously coming Part 3. My grade: B-
The Seventh Day (2021) When
a boy murders his parents & sister, a young priest is brought in to
examine the boy for a possible demon possession. His mentor is Guy
Pearce, who’s been performing exorcisms for 25 years. But something is wrong with this picture. The
young priest gets it—and we get a quickly told horror tale, but this
story’s too big for one movie. This should've been a springboard for a
series. My grade: B-
Death of Me (2020) Christine & Neill awaken
with some mighty hangovers while on vacation in Thailand; well, time to get
back to America before typhoon season begins.
But it seems they’re unable to leave the island, bad juju is afoot. It’s a headachy mystery, and things will turn
vicious and gory soon enough. Is it too
late for them? Well when your eyes are
being sewn shut... damn the plot holes.
But there’s answers too... and horror.
My grade: B-
Us (2019) The Wilsons (an average American family) go on a beach
vacation, and are confronted their first night by another family; a
leering, bizarro copy of themselves. Who are they, what do they want?
The answers are absurd, in this weird horry-story that’s both original
and utterly ridiculous. There are good performances (Elizabeth
Moss—yikes) but the story’s so out there, I’d say this was more horror satire than horror story. My grade: B-
Eli (2019)
is a little boy who lives in a plastic bubble—exposure to the outside
sickens him. His parents take him to a creepy private hospital where
the chief surgeon (Lili Taylor) says she can cure him. But when Eli
sees ghosts, why won’t anyone believe him? Some good suspense which I
liked, before exploding into crazy horror the likes of which I’ve never
seen. It’s not bad, just crazy ridiculous. Wait until you discover who
the bad guy is here! My grade: B-
The Perfection (2019)
Once a musical prodigy, Charlotte returns to the prestigious academy
she left 10 years ago to help welcome Lizzie, their new protégé. The
two hit it off right away—well, until the crazy begins. “Charlotte, why did you do it?” “To save her.” She’s
crazy! Or is she? Charlotte’s hardly the only one who’s gone off the
rails in this perverse, stylish horror. Gotta say, didn’t see any of
this coming… the final scene is demented! My grade: B-
Pet Sematary (2019)
When a family’s cat is run over, their neighbor confides to the dad of a
secret burial ground that brings pets back to life, “just not quite
right”. It works—so what will the dad do when one of his children is
killed in an auto accident? Based on a Stephen King masterpiece, it’s a
chiller alright but told differently and way too fast. This ending
though… it’s so horrific it’s almost laughable. Read the book! My grade: B-
Ma (2019) It begins when a group of teenagers ask Octavia
Spencer if she’ll buy alcohol for them; soon she’s hosting weekly keg
parties for them (and other teens) in the basement of her house. What
happens when she learns some of these kids parents were her tormentors
when she was a shy teen in high school? Welcome to Horror 101, in this
slow-coming but one frightening revenge-athon. Hurry Juliette Lewis,
your daughter needs you! My grade: B-
The Silence (2019)
When cave explorers in PA break through an ancient cave floor, the
skies are filled with tens of thousands of ferocious ‘dinosaur
bats’—they have no eyes, but do have sonic hearing—and giant fangs. Yes
it’s a ripoff of A Quiet Place, so be quiet! I still
liked it—from Stanley Tucci protecting his family to the weird
tongue-less cult who want his “fertile daughter”. At least this version
has a more promising future for its survivors. My grade: B-
Wildling (2018)
Anna lives in an attic, raised there since she was abducted as a baby
by a weird (but caring) man. She’ll be freed when she’s a teenager, to a
world she knows little of… only to wish she remained hidden away. If
you only knew where this is going—or why she was taken in
the first place! There’s a couple plot holes you could drive a semi
into, but it’s both original and very watchable. I couldn’t tear myself
away for a moment. My grade: B-
Lifechanger (2018)
Narrated in an almost sorrowful voice, he survives by grabbing a man or
woman’s wrists and sucking the life from them until he is a copy of
them. He’ll dispose of their withered husks on a remote farm, then live
that person’s life for a day or two before decay sets in and he must do
it all over again. What will it take to end this? Confession and the
love of one woman, he hopes, in this strangely thoughtful blend of
horror and guilt and woe. My grade: B-
Await Further Instructions (2018) The
Milgrams (a disturbingly dysfunctional family) awaken Christmas morning
to discover walls of black metal when they open the front door or any
of the windows. Meanwhile, an eerie green message glows on the tv: Await further instructions.
Who needs the nightmarish truth when we’re already in a house of
horrors? Gramps is lucky, he dies early on in what has to be the
creepiest blend of horror/sci-fi I’ve ever seen. My grade: B-
Apostle (2018) It’s 1905, and a man learns his sister is being held for ransom
within a religious cult on a remote island. He’ll pose as a convert to
gain access & rescue her--and will discover a bleak, horrific
society with a weird & nightmarish secret. Good God, what is
that? Crazy blood horror here! It’s a fantastic production, but the
story drags on for a good hour before jumping into madness… and gore. My grade: B-
Mom and Dad (2018) A couple hours after Carly’s mom drops her off at school, bolts of
static buzz on tvs, phones & radios—and now parents across the
country are
after their children, desperate to kill them. Not other's kids—just their own. As creepy as it sounds, it’s even
creepier to
watch—and having Nicholas Cage as a dad gone loco sure doesn’t help! The humor is jet black in this bloodbath, get ready for some crazy like
you’ve never seen before! My grade: B-
Incident in a Ghost Land (2018) When Vera &
Beth were teens, they moved with their mom to their dead aunt’s
doll-infested
house—and were soon attacked by a pair of maniacal rapist killers. Beth
is a wife and mother now, a successful
horror novelist when she gets a call from Vera; THE HORROR HAS JUST
BEGUN. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of, in this twisted,
twisted Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets the Dollhouse scorcher. Scarring! My grade: B-
Ouija: Origin of
Evil (2016) When Alice (a
widowed mom with 2 daughters who gives earnest but staged spirit readings) sees a Ouija
board for sale, “hmm… might make a nice
prop.” Little does she know of her dark home’s
horrific history, that board is going to reopen some deep wounds. When 9 year old Doris begins scribbling in
Polish, mad terror lies ahead. Some
cliché moments, but this girl has to be seen to be believed! My grade: B-
The Caller (2011) Terror awaits a newly divorced Mary when she moves into an old
apartment & a woman stalking a former tenant keeps calling;
trouble is, the caller's from 1979 and discovers she's calling the
future. Mary, I followed you & your mom today, what a pretty little girl you are. Shame if something happened to you. D'oh! My grade: B-
The Cabin in the Woods (2011) It's
the classic horror story about five people who go to spend a weekend in
a remote cabin--not knowing that they are there for a reason. All the
world's a stage, at least here in this fiendishly clever story. If you
think you've seen it all... just wait. My grade: B-
Paranormal Activity (2007) Low-budget indie smash of a young suburban couple being increasingly
haunted & their attempts to 'record the evidence'. Had some real
tense moments, but 'Blair Witch Project' still did it better. My grade: B-
Stephanie (2017) is a 7 year old girl who lives & plays alone in her home—her
dead brother Paul lies in bed upstairs, does he count? At night she
hides under the covers as monstrous growls surround her, where are they
coming from? We’ll find out, and so will a lot of others, because
Stephanie is hardly alone. It’s a beautiful house, but this is a horror
of epic proportions and a WHOLE lot of shakin’ will soon be going on… Grief! My grade: C Plus
Maxxxine (2024) Maxine Minx is an adult film actress who just got the break of a lifetime; the leading role in a real Hollywood horror movie. But it’s 1985, and the infamous Night Stalker is murdering pretty girls, and Maxine is next. Third in the “X” horror film trilogy (see my reviews for X and Pearl) this was my least favorite. It felt more like an 80s episode of Miami Vice. My grade: C
Girl on the Third Floor (2019) While his pregnant wife wraps things up in the city, Mike begins renovations on the fixer upper they bought in the suburbs. Hmph, this house is creepy. Miss, can I help you? Well I am married but mebbe just this once… That’s
all the house needed to hear! Oh Mike, when you hear giggling behind
walls and stuff starts oozing from outlets, GET OUT. No? Then let the
gorefest begin, cuz boy are you going to get it in this almost funny
horror show. My grade: C
Ghost Stories (2018)
“Professor” Goodman hosts a British tv show exposing paranormal frauds
(psychics and ghost sightings). But when he’s asked to investigate 3
unexplained stories by a former expert on spirit hoaxes, he doesn’t get
it—and neither do we, in this so-called creepy anthology that at least
ties things together at the end. It does have an artsy flair
throughout, but tries to be crafty and just winds up black humored
& boring. My grade: C
The Autopsy of Jane
Doe (2016) The dead body of a naked
young woman is found half dug up in the cellar of a house of a recent mass
slaying; she’ll be taken to a father-son mortuary for an autopsy. Why is
her waist so tiny, why is she even dead? There’s not a mark on her… oh, just wait until they open her up in this supernatural tale with an
investigative twist. I give it points
for the mystery, but it’s still schlock horror and gets gruesome! My grade: C Plus
Pay the Ghost (2015) When
his 8 year old son disappears at a Halloween festival, Nicholas Cage
spends the next year searching for him in vain; but as Halloween
approaches again, he discovers a creepy correlation between the date
& abducted children. It's your standard ghost story with some
spooky splashes for show--probably best to let the story slide and enjoy
the smoke and mirrors. My grade: C Plus
13 Sins (2014) In his car, Elliot receives a mysterious phone call: “Mister Brindle! Swat that fly and we’ll deposit $1,000 into your bank account!” He swats it. Cha-ching! “Now we’ll pay you $4,000 if you eat it.” He’ll be offered to do 11 more things, each more despicable than the last—complete them all, he’s rich. Well, he’s desperate… This bloodsoaker’s early challenges are so rotten they’re funny, but the more this went on… groan & eyeroll! My grade: C Plus
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2011)
Young Sally is despondent after her mother sloughs her off to live with
her father & his girlfriend (Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes) in the
ginormous demon-wracked mansion they’re working to restore. Demons who
feast on children’s teeth... for starters. A Guillermo Del Toro film,
it’s as beautiful as it is bizarre but this shake-my-head CGI show
should’ve been a real horror show instead. My grade: C Plus
Annabelle: Creation (2017) 12 years after the loss of their little girl, a dollmaker and his wife open their home to a group of orphaned girls in the 1950s. So why is there a chilling life-sized doll hidden away in a secret panel lined with Bible verses?? Because some Hollywood hack was tasked with an origin story for the doll in Ed & Louise Warren’s real-life Occult Museum—so get ready for some gaudy & grotesque displays of horror everyone! My grade: C
Pet (2016) Seth (who works in an animal shelter)
sees a pretty girl on the bus. “Hi Holly, I went to high school with you,
remember me?” She doesn’t. He’ll look her up online, send her
flowers—she’s not interested. So why
does he abduct her and lock her in a cage? To save her. From who? It’s a surprising,
original spin on your obsessed stalker story, but a B-horror movie is still
a B-horror movie and I’m up to here with gore. My grade: C
We Are Still Here (2015) After
the death of their son, Paul & Anne buy an old house in the
country... wait, what's that noise? Is it you, Bobby? Nope, you've got
a bunch of burnt ghosts in the basement! But that's not your biggest
concern, because the townfolk--you know what, you're fine. Well, other
than all that splatter & gore everywhere, in this clumsy
throwback to 80s horror-fests. My grade: C
The Babadook (2014) Cecilia
is a tired, depressed mom, alone with her troubled 6 year old son
Samuel. (Her husband died in an accident the night Samuel was born.)
They live fractured lives in a dreary house, and then one day a strange
children's pop-up book shows up... did her grief create this? Oh well, I
enjoyed her creepy telly after the place became a house of horrors! My grade: C
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) Jesse
and his Latino family are spooked (literally) when 'Crazy Anna', the
witch who lives in the apartment below them dies. Oh you know what's
coming, courtesy of Jesses' GoPro, that is. This was much better than
expected, I was chilled & intrigued throughout--but you're gonna
have some questions about that ending (unless you're a Paranormal
Activity fanatic). My grade: C
Haunter (2013) Abigail
awakens each morning to the same thing: her brother playing Pac-Man,
and her mom asking her what she wants for her 16th birthday. Her
family's been dead since 1985, trouble is only Abigail knows it. So
what's a spirit to do? A spooky twist on the classic ghost story, 13
year old girls should love this one. My grade: C
The Returned (2013) 20
years after a zombie-thon has wiped out 100 million people, scientists
develop a protein that prevents people bitten by zombies from becoming
one. But you'll need injected with the stuff every 24 hours for the rest
of your life and the stockpile is shrinking. How will Dr. Kate prevent
her infected hubby from turning? Hmm... would've made a fair tv-movie in
the 1980s. My grade: C
The Woman in Black (2012) Harry
Potter (okay, Daniel Radcliffe) is all grown up, a widower and 19th
century barrister who's sent to a remote village to retrieve the papers
from a dead woman's estate. He's not welcome there and for good reason,
she's left a most peculiar curse. Short on story but long on atmosphere,
this old school ghost story is still a treat. My grade: C
House at the End of the Street (2012) Jennifer
Lawrence and her mom move into a big, modern house in the woods--oh
wait, its next to the house where a girl killed her parents years ago.
But no one lives there now, right? I couild've written this movie in my
sleep but it still manages some good suspense--plus it has Jennifer.
What more do you want? My grade: C
After (2012) Shortly
after Ana & Frankie meet on a bus, it crashes--they survive,
but when they make it home to their small town they find it deserted;
what's going on? Well, there's a dark fog that cuts them off from the
outside world, some "haunting" memories & a CGI monster after
them. Are they somehow all related? Of course they are, in this 'tries
to be meaningful' whatchamacallit. Meh. My grade: C
Insidious (2011) After
Patrick Wilson moves his family into a new house, strange events begin
to occur & his oldest son goes into a coma. After months of
paranormal activity, the family moves again; and so does the weird
stuff--which culminates in a cheesy smorgasbord of all things scary.
Would probably make a good date movie. My grade: C
Devil (2010) Based on a story by M. Night Shyamalan, a Philly detective races to
rescue people trapped in an elevator who are being killed off, one by
one--by the Devil himself. Don't worry, a superstitious guard can
explain everything. My grade: C
The Last Exorcism (2010) Cotton
Marcus is a likeable Southern preacher who agrees to take a documentary
crew along for a 'Deep South exorcism' (to demonstrate the
well-intentioned fakery involved), only to encounter something far more
sinister. What begins with real promise spins surprisingly into a Blair
Witch knockoff. My grade: C
Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) Curious
sequel with another modern couple, their pretty house, videocameras
galore & things that go bump in the night. The baby's unnoticed
fascination with closet doors and invisible whatnots did make things
more interesting, but there's no happy endings here. My grade: C
The Undying (2009) Barbara
is a doctor who's just moved into a historic home haunted by a Civil
War ghost; his photograph hangs on the wall, if she could just meet
him... wait, there's a handsome brain-dead patient at the hospital. If
she could sneak him out & let the ghost inhabit his body...!
Cheesy romantic suspense awaits. If this was 1973, this would've been
the perfect ABC Movie of the Week. My grade: C
Six Souls (2009) Julianne
Moore is a psychiatrist in this creepy thriller who's introduced to a
patient with multiple personality disorder--what makes him really
different is his personalities are of murdered men. You can throw
science out the door when you're told to go see Granny in the
holler--must be witchery afoot. My grade: C
Winchester (2018) Helen Mirren is Sarah
Winchester, heiress to the rifle fortune who was so consumed with guilt over
the deaths from her husband’s “repeat-action” invention, spent her life
building a hundred room manor to house wronged spirits. This is fact. What isn’t is this schlocky “there’s a bad spirit here with the others" ghost-hunter setup. What a waste of history,
talent & period settings to tell such a poor, CGI laden "Boo!" ghost story. My grade: D
The Transfiguration (2017) Milo is an inner-city black youth, quiet, a loner. He’s
obsessed with vampires in pop culture, and believes he’s one too,
sometimes sticking a pen-knife into a random stranger’s neck to drink
their blood (killing them and vomiting blood later). He knows what he’s doing is wrong and has no wish to be evil, is there any way he can be stopped? Yep. Critics loved this stark and dreary thing, moviegoers didn’t. I'm with the moviegoers on this one. My grade: D
The Disappointments Room (2016) After
the accidental death of their newborn daughter, Kate Beckinsale,
husband & son move into an old country home in need of TLC--it's
going to need a lot, because one locked room contains the spirits of a
sad girl & an angry Gerald McRaney in Victorian garb that only
Kate can see. Are they real or is Kate mental from guilt? I think it's
the latter, for her role in this meandering, cliche-ridden turdfest. My grade: D
Blair
Witch (2016) When James was 4, his sister Heather
disappeared while investigating the Blair Witch legend in Maryland. Now he & his 20-something friends plan to
investigate her disappearance with the help of a pair of young locals (who take
it far more seriously than this bunch of fools). Soon there's fighting, yelling & frantic camera swings, all rushed and
phony—you'll be rooting for the witch to come. What a disservice
this was to the 1999 classic. My
grade: D
