I’m about to blow my guts out: goodbye cruel world

In my quest to figure out what’s wrong with me (from the belly down, my head’s another story)  I had my first visit at the gastroenterologist’s office in Oakland, at UPMC Presbyterian on Veterans Day. 

I’ve never been at this facility before, it was more like a mall than a hospital.  HUGE.  Hundreds of people milling about, a food court, shopping.. shopping?   After I found my way to the 644th floor and the doctor’s office, a nurse asked some questions, took blood and escorted me back to one of their patient rooms.  A few minutes later, a very petite Asian woman in a white lab coat and stethoscope entered and promptly sat down at a computer monitor. 

And without looking up from her screen…

DOC:  Misto Morris, good morning.  I am Doctor G.  Excuse my tardiness, unexpected paitent alway show up Monday mornings.

ME:  Good morning Doctor.  Er… tardy?  My appointment’s at 10, it’s 10:02.

DOC:  So what is this problem we have Misto Morris.  Beside you being overweight.

ME:  Well, on October 25 I got a sharp pain in my gut, more like a stabbing pain that lasted 90 minutes, right here.  Doc, are you looking?  Right here.  Then my abdomen swelled--

DOC:  Whoa!  According to your PCP chart from August 2016 and your visit to Passavant Hospital 2 week ago, you put on a lot of weight!   Are you aware of this numbers?

ME:  Yes.  I developed a jaw disorder in 2016 and had to give up exercise & ate a lot of soft foods like mashed potatoes and eggs.  Ok, ice cream & pudding too.  If it helps, I’ve lost about 13 lbs in the last 2 weeks.  Because I’m unable to eat more than a couple forkfuls in one sitting.  

DOC:  You don’t see this as silver lining?  So what you think the problem is?

ME:  Well, I’ve been doing a lot of googling of my symptoms and it could be chronic gastreitis, diverticulitis, early onset diabetes, impacted colon, not enough good bacteria in my intestines, pancreaitis, peptic ulcer, stomach cancer… the ER doc last week said it could be gallstones or my fatty liver.

DOC:  Haha, you an armchair physician!  You had the SAME gallstones and same fatty liver in 2015, so is not that.  If it was that, you would KNOW it.  If you had diabetes you would know it too.  Your x-rays from Mercy last week look normal, but there could be things hiding.

ME:  What about my CT scans at Passavant a couple days before Mercy’s x-rays?

DOC:  Whoa!  You had CT scans?!  Be back in flash. 

(She exits and I hear her yell “Ruth!!”)

20 minutes later…

DOC:  Oh these scans are excellent.  Not you I mean.  Your body, it is what it is for overweight man in his 50s.  Some good some bad.  But I see everything now.   Look—here your intestine!

ME:  It doesn’t look very happy, but what do I know..

DOC:  Oh a minute ago you knew so much!  Here is the plan.  You will return next week for barium drink one visit, and eat radium eggs on other.  DO NOT MAKE PLANS ON EGG DAY, you will be here 5 hour.  In lab downstair.  We will track a radium dot thru your digestive tract to see how fast your body process food into waste.

ME:  Gulp.. ok.

DOC:  I see a colonscopy and endoscopy in your future.  Probably around Christmas.  Until then… I think we need to… WAKE UP your intestines, and colon.  Do you take laxatives?

ME:  My mother gave me 2 teaspoons of Milk of Magnesia in 1969.

DOC:   Ah, you an armchair comedian too.  I want you to go to drugstore.  Buy Dulcolax pills and 238 grams of Miralax.  Then pick day this week and take 4 pills at noon with water.  At 5pm, mix whole bottle of Miralax with 64 oz. of Gatorade.  Drink entire concoction over 2 hours.

ME:   Waitaminute, you want me to swallow a half gallon of Gatorade and a half POUND of laxatives??  Then what?

DOC:  Don’t go nowhere.  You’re going to clean your intestines REAL good.   You going to shout WAKE UP to your colon.

ME:  This sounds pretty traumatic.

DOC (smiling):  Yes…  I know. 

So, today is the day.  I just swallowed 4 Dulcolax pills with a glass of water, I hope my body is ready for this.  I asked Dr.G if I could eat anything between the pills and the ENTIRE BOTTLE OF MIRALAX at 5pm, she said “Sure why not—have a piece of fish!  But nothing else, no green beans.  Last thing you will need is fiber.”

Thanks for the tip.