As 2022 approaches, Happy New Year from… wait, I haven’t decided yet

This past Thursday, returning home from a dental exam and teeth cleaning (of my remaining teeth that is) I looked thru my shuffle of mail, and saw I’d gotten a letter from Pennsylvania Agency of Human Services.

It said pending verification of my social security number, my application for public assistance—a monthly check, SNAP voucher (food stamps) and Medicaid was approved. 

It included my caseworker’s contact information.  Great, but--

I NEVER APPLIED FOR ANY PUBLIC ASSISTANCE!  I called the number on the decision letter and someone named Ashley answered. 

I told her they had the wrong Douglas Morris, this must be for one of the other Doug Morrises in our city because I know for a fact they’re all losers. 

How do I know this?  Because over the years, I’ve gotten calls & threats from bill collectors for a $400 bar tab, bad checks written for a bicycle & auto tires, and one Doug Morris had the audacity to open and close a flower shop, owing money to a couple dozen customers & creditors.  Oh and one was arrested for DUI, I got his court summons.  Need I go on??

Ashley said she was very sorry, and the only reason this was sent to me (she thinks) was because HER Douglas E Morris was moving into an apartment and mine was listed as being one.  Huh?  Anyway, she told me it wouldn’t happen again and I said I know it wouldn’t, because the first thing I’m going to do in 2022 is change my name.  First last & middle, the whole shebang!

After I cooled down, I thought about this off & on over the holiday weekend.  And then yesterday (my laundry day), in between loads of wash, I ran into my neighbor Janice in the hall, asked if she had a nice Christmas, then told her about the new Doug in town, and how I decided to change my name.

I added that after much thought, I decided I liked Douglas enough to make that my new last name.  Now I just needed a new first.

She said “How about Mike?  Mike Douglas!”   I said “You mean like the actor married to Catherine Zeta Jones, or the 1970s talk show host?  I also have an Uncle Mike, my dad’s brother.”

She said “Ok, Steve Douglas.  No, Rob Douglas!”   I said “Believe it or not, I’ve got a brother named Steve and not one but TWO brothers-in-law named Robert.  Where are you getting these names?  Oh I know, My Three Sons!  Janice, c’mon!” 

Janice laughed and said “When I was born, my mother named me after a girl she grew up with who died.  I always said if I had a choice, I’d be Angela.”

I said “My mom wanted to name me after her dad who died when she was only 5, but my dad talked her out of it.  His name was A-R-R-O-L.”   Janice said “How do you pronounce that?”  I said “Like a stroke victim attempting to say Earl.  Well, I’ve always been partial to Paul.  I feel like a Paul.”

Janice said “Hey!  I like the sound of Paul Douglas!”  I said “So did 26 other parents in Pennsylvania, I already looked.”

So, after wishing each other a Happy New Year, I came back into my apartment and began washing dishes.  I thought, I want something short, but it had to be uncommon too.  As I was rinsing off a bent fork, it reminded me of Uri Geller, that 70’s psychic who claimed he could bend silverware with his mind.  A voice in my head said “Uri… not Uri… Ari.  Ari Douglas.”

That’s it!  I ran over to my computer, did a search for Ari Douglas in Pittsburgh.  None.  In Pennsylvania?  NONE.  In the US?  Okay there is one. Hmm… it appears he was run over by a NYPD scooter during the Occupy Wall Street movement in 2011.  Oh man, a loser.  But wait!  Ari Douglas sued, and 7 years later won 145K! 

He looks like a winner to me!  Okay, to be continued… in the meantime, Happy New Year everyone!