Our parents were busy bees; Duke was born in the 1950s, Courtney in the 1970s
Very recently, 4 of my parent’s 6 children got together for our annual ‘Sibling Dinner’ in Washington, Pa. There was my brother Steve and his wife Ann (and their 36 year old son Stevie and his girlfriend), my sister Shawn and her husband Jim, my sister Courtney and her husband Robert.
And finally, myself and my imaginary girlfriend Hibiscus.
Our sister Donda & husband Bobby couldn’t make it, they live far away, outside of Charleston, SC. And our brother Duke (that’s him at the top) wasn’t there either. He’s been in a self-imposed exile since the age of 17 or so.
So the photo above is not from our family dinner, but from a dinner our sister Courtney had with Duke recently. She traveled all the way from Cincinnati just to see him, and I think to find some closure for issues from long ago.
For too many reasons to get into, the last conversation I had with my brother Duke (if you could call it that) was in October 1996, at our grandmother’s 83rd birthday party.
That was 25+ years ago, and that chat (strange as it was) had been our first one in 10-15 years. We were close as kids, but things ended when Duke started junior high school.
It’s strange how people can spend years with one another under the same roof, then go their separate ways and never look back. But the older I get, the more I’ve learned it happens in a lot of families. Such is life.
Anyway, I’m not even sure why I’m blogging about this. I was just very surprised when Courtney showed me that photo a couple nights ago, it’s the first time I’ve seen Duke in many years. He’s not a part of social media or anything.
Thanks again Courtney—and Duke (aka Donovan to the outside world), if you ever see this, I wish you well.
I think you are right, that a lot of families experience this. One of my sisters chose to totally alienate herself from the rest of the family several years ago. At first it hurts, especially when you don't really understand why, but I've learned to accept it and realize it HER issue. It's sad, and I think when something like this happens it is normal to grieve the loss. But I've moved on, realizing that I'll never fully understand her reasoning, but that's ok. I've made peace with it. Sounds like you have too.
ReplyDeleteCarole
Carole, thank you for sharing, this was so nicely said. Much appreciated. :^)
DeleteLooking at his t-shirt, he seems to have somewhat of a similar sense of humor to you. I do hope you'll get a chance to see him in person someday soon. :-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe in 25 years or so, thanks DJan :^)
DeleteI am that person in my family. I have one sister who did the same, for the same reasons. It is sad, and sometimes I wish that it could be different, but in the end, we all have a right to choose our destinies. My choice puts me out of a lot of the chaos, and I don't regret it.
ReplyDeleteDebby, thanks for your truth here--I almost missed out on this, it went straight to my spam folder. Believe me I understand where you're coming from, I've taken that road myself many times (away from everyone) as I've seen others in my family do. I totally get it.
DeleteHi Doug, it seems quite a few families have similar situations, Chuck’s included.
ReplyDeleteFamily isn’t just blood and we are blessed to have people in our lives we consider family.
Have a good week.❤️
Robin, you always have the right thing to say, I'm glad we're friends. I hope your week is going well. Please tell Chuck I said hi, will he be getting out his awesome leisure suit for Halloween? 👍♥️🙂
DeleteChuck thought he might wear it in to work. He just has to remember to bring work clothes too. Hard to crawl around up in ceilings in a leisure suit!😂😂
DeleteToo funny Robin and I'll tell you something else; if I was a rich man I'd have a closet full of leisure suits! I love 'em! 😄♥️
DeleteYikes, I see what you mean! I just looked at eBay and leisure suits are $100.00 and upwards! We paid $10.00 at a thrift store for it.😳
DeleteI agree that all families have "stuff" whether it's out in the open or hidden. I've got both. It is weird how blood isn't always thicker than water. We lose touch with family or choose not to have toxic members in our lives. Much of the time, it's for the best and for our own peace of mind. Nostalgia does hit though and we wish we could have a different relationship with those we've lost touch with. Glad you got together with the rest of the siblings though!
ReplyDeleteMargaret, this was well said! I think you're pretty good when it comes to this kind of stuff, thank you very much. 🙂
DeleteI can understand this situation. My sister and I were never close, despite the 18 month difference in our ages. We did live together briefly after highschool, but our lives diverged at that point, and although we were cordial (most of the time), it simply got worse as our parents aged. I haven't spoken to her since our father's funeral in 2008.
ReplyDeleteI did send her a note on her 60th birthday but heard nothing back from her. Funnily enough, she'll be 62 tomorrow.
Some people just prefer to find their own "people" outside their immediate family. I'm grateful that I'm close to one of my brothers and have another who continues to keep in touch. The latter has a large family he married into that keep him incredibly busy.
Wow, thank you for sharing that Maebeme. This is such a good example of what I meant. I'm certainly not sad about it, the fact is it's just been too many years. But I can't help but Wonder at times. Thanks again for sharing your story. 🙂
DeleteFirst off, his shirt gave me a giggle but his isolation from the family is no laughing matter. I can only think he has some perceived hurt that keeps him isolated but he may just have a hermit mentality and really craves solitude. Regardless it is a shame there has been so very little contact. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThank you Patti, to be very honest I would say it's not a hurt on his part. More of an ego thing, and a preferred desire to be apart. Nothing to be sorrowful about, it's been this way for 50 years. But you're right his shirt is funny! 🙂
DeleteYou’re welcome, Dougie…you always word everything so well
ReplyDeleteThat's very nice of you to say, and thanks again for the photo Courtney. It's a real good one of you! 🙂👍♥️
DeleteYes, it's true many families have these issues... some known, some unknown... yet they exist. I personally believe that these 'issues' are generally small (something said or something believed) and could be forgiven in place of the bigger issue of 'family'. But that's spoken as a mother who wants her kids to always have each other's backs. When personalities and beliefs differ, it may be good to keep their distance, but when it comes to support, I think they should always be there. (Honest enough, Dug... or too much?)
ReplyDeleteThank you Rian, and no never too much! You're as honest as you are wise and I very much mean that. 🙂👍
DeleteI’m glad you were able to get together! Some families ( like mine) were dysfunctional, but yours always sounds great. Thank goodness it’s just the one brother. Joyce
ReplyDeleteUm... Joyce, you're very kind thank you. And I'm a little afraid of sharing more, but you're not alone more than you know. :^)
DeleteYou’d think that with only one sibling, “Sibling Dinners” would be quite easy.
ReplyDeleteHowever, when my sister lived in San Francisco and I live in Melbourne, it’s a lot harder. We did manage to have quite a few meetups over the years, but alas, there will be no more – my sister died earlier this year.
That makes me the last member of the family who is still (semi-)upright.
Aw Peter, I'm very sorry for your loss... That's still cool how you managed to meet up though. And I for one am glad you're still semi upright. 🙂👍
DeleteHah, havn't heard much of your imaginary girlfriend, Hibiscus, before. Your commentors all seem to have or know of sibling estrangements. Could it be nature's way of dispersing our territories? Yesterday my brother and his whole family came here for Thanksgiving. Sadly my sister's health denied her attendance but I had a nice visit at her place today. My other sister estranged herself from us and died a few years back. We think she had mental issues. Relationships are wonderful when they work.
ReplyDeleteFlorence, I've been wondering about you and where you've been. Glad someone was curious about my imaginary girlfriend! Anyway, are we going to see a blog post about your brother's visit for Thanksgiving? Well, I'm sorry to read about your sister but I'm glad she lived close enough for you to visit. And very interesting about your other sister, but sad too and I am sorry my friend.
DeleteExile sounds harsh, but self-imposed would be easier for him I guess, although hard for the rest of you. Perhaps there will be a time when all of you can get together and Duke will make it, just once. Is "Hibiscus" as pretty as she sounds? Ha Ha.
ReplyDeleteThanks River, time will tell. As for Hibiscus, she's lovely! Always smells nice too. 🌺🌹🌸🌻😉
DeleteI don't see 2 of my sisters very often for various reasons. It's okay with me. Wish you had posted a photo of your Sibling Dinner with the attendees. That would have been spectacular! Glad you got together with them.
ReplyDeleteI'm almost surprised to read that Gigi, but I'm like you--I'm fine with how things currently are with my own family. BTW, I thought of you at the dinner.. not of the people, but the food! But it was too noisy, too crowded and too many people for taking any good pictures. :^(
DeleteAh families! There's four of us sisters. One decamped from the whole family when she was around 19. About 25 years ago I moved away to live near my two sons and she wrote to tell me she missed me and was the only one she could depend on. Color me flabbergasted. I did spend a lot of time with her two sons and am still close to them. Whatever was driving her away seems to have evaporated. It's like nothing ever happened. Age? Memory issues (hers not mine)? I can't explain it but I think I'll just accept it.
ReplyDeleteCelia, thank you very much for sharing--this was both fascinating and familiar at the same time. Well that was pretty cool of your sister to open up like that, and pretty cool of you to just accept it. Good for you. :^)
DeleteFamily dynamics! That said, if you accept whatever comes, you'll not go wrong. Call me jaded. One day nice-as-pie and the next silence. When there is no rhyme or reason, I say, "Go along to get along and have no expectations."
ReplyDeleteThanks Susan--and I wouldn't say jaded at all, given this week you are more right than you know!
DeleteIt's strange how some families grow apart. My only brother moved about a 5 hour drive away from me years ago, and I hardly see him anymore. We occasionally talk on the phone but the only thing we have in common is our mother. I suppose we've grown apart. Sad really.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Joe, that is sad but I think it's pretty common too. This recent family dinner I was at was the first time I'd seen my siblings in 2 years. It doesn't bother me like it used to.
DeleteI'm sorry you and Duke grew apart. His t-shirt might give people a clue although I find it funny. Wow! He and Courtney are 20 years apart. Your parents were definitely young at heart and must have had a lot of energy to take care of such a large family.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kay! (Actually, Duke & Courtney were 16 years apart but it's still a lot). As for my brother, I guess there's no law that says everyone has to remain close... I'm fine with it as I'm sure he is. As for our parents, they had a lot of love for each other alright. :^)
DeleteI spent about 30 years hardly ever talking to my sister, six years older than I am. When she was younger she couldn't wait to get away from the family, and later, we just had nothing in common. Then my dad got sick and then died. Somehow that brought us together, at least somewhat, and now we talk on the phone once a month or two and see each other once a year (she's in FL, I'm in PA). It is possible to reconnect.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Tom, that's sad about your dad of course... but I'm glad to read how things worked out with you & your sister. Sounds like a realistic, healthy relationship. :^)
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