How soon they forget—anyway, let the waterworks begin

A couple hours ago, I’m sitting here watching last night’s Late Show with Stephen Colbert (thanks Youtube!) when I get buzzed from downstairs.  

“Yes?”

“UPS—package for Doug Morris.”

It’s always fun to get surprise packages in the mail, isn’t it… but as I ran into the bedroom to change my sleepy t-shirt to a clean t-shirt and pat my hair down (geez I haven’t even taken a shower yet) I wondered who was sending me something—probably Amazon.  But I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a couple of weeks…

Then as I’m flip-flopping to the elevator it hits me—this is Criminal Doug’s doing!

Last Monday, Chase Card Services contacted me & said “Mr. Morris, we think we’ve detected some fraudulent charges on your credit card—did you order $490.00 of shoes from Zappos.com and $275.00 of coffee from Keurig.com in the last 15 minutes?”   I said “I have ordered zero dot zero of anything from them EVER.”   They said “Someone got your credit card number and attempted to make these online purchases; they were flagged so we had to call you to authorize or deny the charges.   Destroy your card, we’ll send you a new one.”  

I said “Gosh how did that happen?  My card is right here, it wasn’t lost or stolen.  In fact, I just used it up the street from my place an hour ago.”  He said “Yes we know.  Lincoln Bakery.  You purchased two donuts.”  I said “No.  They were fruit danish and for the record—“  

“Thanks for confirming the charges were fraudulent Mr. Morris, we’ll get your new card out today.”  

Anyway, I get down to the lobby and I see the UPS guy holding a large square box.  I say “Is that from Zappos or Keurig?  ‘Cuz I swear to God—“   He says “Nope!  Sign here.”  I bring it upstairs, it’s pretty lightweight.   I tear open the flaps, there’s two empty orange jugs inside--and a small box containing a couple vials of chemicals, plastic test tubes & a letter from my “friends” at UPMC Mercy Dept of Urology.   “Here’s your collection kit—call us for details.”

I make the call, the receptionist says “Hang on Douglas, okay I have your chart right here… let me put Dr.Turner’s nurse on the line.”  “Hi Douglas, this is Stephanie, remember me?”  Nope!  “Sure you do!  I came to talk to you right after your lithoropsy when you were in recovery and lying on your bed in a fetal position with your hands tucked between your legs, I told you we were going to give you 2 months recovery then send a collection kit so the lab can study your urine.  So after you’ve filled both jugs—“  

I said “Waitaminute—these jugs are—8 liters each??  Isn’t that like 4 gallons of pee?”  She said “No, 16 LITERS.   So pick a day to start, the sooner the better, and when you get the urge to pee, you’re going to do it in these jugs instead of in the toilet.  It should take you a couple of days.”

I said “And what am I supposed to do with them, put ‘em in my fridge?  Because I swear to God, I’m going to need a new refriger—“  She says “No, that’s not necessary! They can be stored at room temperature.”  

I said “This is getting grosser by the minute.”  She said “It’s not, Douglas.  People do it all the time.”  I said “Really?  Because the only person I know who saved his urine wore Kleenex boxes on his feet and grew his fingernails crazy long.”  She said “Who was that?”  I said “Er..  Howard Hughes.”  She said “I don’t know this person.  Anyway, after you’ve filled both jugs, you’re going to shake them REALLY HARD—make sure you have the caps screwed on tight!  Then you’ll fill the enclosed set of test tubes and use the included overnight shipping label to have everything picked up by FedEx and sent to Chicago. Then on March 8, you’ll come into the office where we’ll review your lab results and determine the best course of action on preventing stone reoccurence in your left kidney and treatment of the stones present in your right kidney.  Do you have any questions?”

I said “You really don’t know who Howard Hughes is?”   Anyway… I’ll sure be glad when Thursday gets here.