Call me crazy, but I have a theory… (None of this is real!)

A few weeks ago my sister Shawn sent me an ET video of the Brady kids excitedly touring HGTV’s renovated Brady Bunch house.  (She knows I’m one of those Brady fans).  l watched the video 4-5 times in disbelief, then thanked her for sending it and said “Can you believe somene really did this??”  

My sister coolly remarked “I’m happy for you, of course.  But I fail to see why this is generating so much excitement.  I’m a fan of the television show Friends, but I’d hardly go ga-ga if they rebuilt Monica’s apartment.”

I said “First of all, Monica’s place is just a set that could be duplicated anywhere with a big enough space.  This is the actual house they used for all those exterior shots!  I dare you to find ONE Brady Bunch fan who hasn’t said at least once, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if someone bought the real house and converted the inside to look like the 70’s television show?’  

“My God, Shawn—they took a split level house and LOWERED the first floor so they could add a second story without changing the exterior of the home.  Man it’s crazy!  It’s almost too good to be true!”

Then I sat here & thought about it.  Waitaminute… this is crazy.  And it IS too good to be true.

Back in October 2016, a couple weeks after I left Pittsburgh and moved back home (to the luxurious Bonar Apts) for 6 months, I was heading down the rear stairwell to the laundry room with a basket of clothes and was treading carefully; those creaky steps were rickety and narrow. 

I still tripped on the second-to-last step and only my laundry basket prevented me from a possible splat.  Or did it. 

For all I know, it’s still October 2016 and I’m sprawled unconscious at the bottom of those steps, or laying in a hospital bed at Waynesburg Hospital (or whatever they call it now) in a Sleeping Brady coma. 

And the right half of my brain (the alert side) is trying to wake up my left hemisphere by hurling all kinds of crazy-ass stimuli at it.

1.  HERE Y’GO, LEFT BRAIN.  TRUMP.   While everyone in the real world is going about their normal lives, maybe Hillary Rodham Clinton is in the White House, and the United States is recognized on the world stage as being a truly progressive nation. 

(Hi England, hi Germany, hi Canada!  We’ve finally caught up with you in the 21st century!) 

Donald isn’t silent, of course.  After losing the election, then the failure of his ‘Trump TV Network’ (which was his real intention for running in the first place), he’s a fixture on Fox News now, where he regularly spouts how great he would’ve made America again if the Democrats hadn’t interfered in the race. 

His sullen base agrees, while the other 70% of the country shudders at what almost came to pass.  

Meanwhile, my right brain has me convinced Trump is in the White House—and wreckng everything to boot.  “Doug, how long do you want to keep having this nightmare?  You need to wake up!”

2.  OK LEFTY, TRY THIS INSTEAD.  After Righty sees it’s scheme backfire (and my left hemisphere is slipping even further), it decides to use some reverse psychology. 

• My TMJ mysteriously begins to fade the first week of March 2017.
• UPMC (my former company) calls and asks if I’d like to come back.  After I’ve been gone 2 years?  Yep!  And not just ANY job—it’s a senior position too!
• I find a bigger, better apartment in one day—in the nicer half of my old city neighborhood.

THIS ALL HAPPENS IN ONE WEEK.  Okay, does Righty think my left noggin is going to say I must be dreaming?   Nope, Lefty says it’s been a crappy 2016 and I’m due for some good things!

So life goes on, and 2017 passes, then 2018, and 2019, and for all I know I’m continuing to slumber soundly in Waynesburg, dreaming my fictional life in the city…

And then a couple days ago, I am looking for Brady House updates on Youtube, and see this recent news story:

“The Mayor of Los Angeles held a press conference in front of the Brady Bunch house today, where he declared this date ‘Brady Bunch Day’.

He thanked all the Brady Kids for being there, then announced he’s changing the name of the street from Dilling Street to Clinton Avenue, the same as the tv show.”

C’MON!  What’s that old saying, “If something sounds too good to be true then it probably is”?

What do you think, Jan Brady?  Am I living in the real world or is all this a product of my imagination?

“Doug, your guess is as good as mine!”