Last night I found this photograph online (on a memorial site) and I think my heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
This is my Aunt Lois (and her husband Roy), my mom’s older sister.
We have no photos of Aunt Lois. She died in 1979 from brain cancer at the young age of 47.
To say my mom loved her sister would be an understatement. Lois was born in January 1932, my mom August 1940—Lois was 8 1/2 years older. Their mother was abusive, and unstable, so after Lois moved out she often took Mom in. She was more than an older sister, she was Mom’s guardian too.
My dad had 4 brothers & sisters—the 5 of them were extraordinarily close, we all lived within a few miles of each other. Growing up, our cousins (on my dad’s side) were more like “extended siblings”; we were close in age and got together often.
On my mom’s side, my Aunt Lois had 6 kids, “technically” our cousins but we didn’t know them. Lois lived and raised her family in Ohio. Spunk (Milford), Joel, Beth, Stephen, Kim & Cindy. Except for the last two, the others were much older than us and I can only recall meeting a couple of them once.
I have exactly one memory of Aunt Lois oldest daughter Beth. In 1970, she came to stay with us for a weekend while our parents went on a short trip. Beth was quiet, pretty and a senior in high school. That first night, she asked us what we wanted for dinner and we said hamburgers. When she began cooking them we shouted “You’re making them too big, we’re poor!” and she laughed and said “I’m sorry, okay!” and crumbled them up and made sloppy joes instead.
I don’t think we ever saw Beth again. 17 years later, in 1987, Mom received news that Beth was dead. She lived in South Carolina, had a career in the Army, and recently left her husband.
He met her when she got off a plane and shot her.
She was only 34 years old. I wish I had a photo of her. All I have is a vague recollection of her senior class photo, her hair & face reminded me of a young Patty Duke.
What will always be the biggest mystery to me though is Aunt Lois daughter Kimberly. (You’ll see why in a minute.) She was only 5 years older than me, I saw us as kindred spirits. We both read comic books, saw ourselves as artists, and the few times we got together we’d lay on the floor and talk tv and old movies while “copy drawing” art panels from comics.
Kim took art lessons as well, and would show me how to add shadow under a face, or give dimension to a character drawn from the side. I think of her lessons every time I doodle or draw something in a card I’m mailing to someone.
Kim at 18, 1974
The last time I saw Kim, I was a teenager. After her mom died in ‘79, we never saw or heard from Aunt Lois’ family again.
Until my own mom died in 2004, I often asked her about Kim or Aunt Lois’ other kids but she knew little. Mom sometimes heard from Aunt Lois’ oldest son Spunk’s wife, ‘Sis’. But those reach-outs grew few and far between.
In 2015, I began a search for Aunt Lois’ kids—I had no intention of bothering them, I just wanted to know. I learned the oldest, Spunk died in West Virginia in 2012. Her second oldest Joel was married & lived in San Diego. Third was Beth, who died in 1987. Her fourth child Stephen had a family and lived in Michigan. Her youngest daughter Cindy, an EMT was married with a daughter and lived in North Carolina.
The last person I found was Kim here. Born in 1956, Kim died in 2011 aged 54. But what shocked me the most, was where she lived. Right here in Pennsylvania, in a small rural community named Clarksville—11 miles from my family. She lived there a long time too. She was loved by her neighbors.
I wish Kim had known how much I thought about her over the years… maybe it wouldn’t have mattered to her. The fondness & curiosity was probably on my end only. I don’t think my own brothers & sisters were that curious either.
I just keep thinking all the times I drove home from Pittsburgh to visit family, and until 2011, I could’ve visited Kim too. I hope her remaining siblings Joel, Steve & Cindy are well, and I hope Kim’s life was filled with creativity and contentment.
Morning Doug, this is so sad. How unfortunate that you didn’t get to spend much time with Lois and her family. Tragic story about Beth. Kim too. It would have been wonderful for you to see her. I am sure she thought about you too. My Mum had one sibling, a brother. We saw he and his wife maybe once a year. They had no children. But my Dad had nine siblings with lots of kids most who lived near by, who we saw every week.
ReplyDeleteTake care Doug.❤️
Robin
Good morning Robin, thanks for reading--and for sharing. Isn't that interesting about the differences in family with your parents... yours sounds similar to my scenario. Anyway I didn't mean to make a sad post--I was just so surprised when I found these photos of Aunt Lois & Kim. I'm happy for the pictures. :^)
DeleteIt is wonderful you found the photos Doug. I cherish our family photos.❤️
DeleteRobin
Oh Robin thank you, I feel just the same way. 🙂♥️
DeleteWhat a sad collection of stories. What makes it especially sad is that the stories all belong to one family. Our family is very disjointed as well. My father argued with siblings and we would go years without seeing them.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Debby--I know it's a common thing with families. Honestly I was just happily surprised to find these 2 photos of my aunt & cousin--but I do wish I could have a 'do-over' with them.
DeleteIt's so sad you never got to know her, when she lived so close by. Such tragedy in your family. I'm sorry to hear of it, Doug. But thanks for sharing them with me today.
ReplyDeleteThanks very much DJan--I didn't mean to make it a sad post, but it IS so frustrating that my one cousin remained such a mystery. I genuinely cared about her a lot as kids. But until yesterday I didn't have these photos, so that's one good thing. :^)
DeleteI'm glad you were able to rediscover your aunt's family. A little family discord tends to separate families. I never knew my cousins well. Both of my parents moved to central Georgia for jobs. So we were economically separated by geography. I think some of us like family ties more than others.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ann, well said. I don't think there was any discord with my mom and her sister, it was geography more than anything like yourself. I just wish as cousins, we had tried a little harder on both sides. Thanks again Ann. 🙂
DeleteSo many events among all of those relatives! (I hope Beth's ex went to jail.) The '50s and '60s were a pretty good time in neighborhoods and hanging out with cousins, but I think those kind of days are rare now. I used to play with my Mom's half-sister's kids all the time, then my parents learned the kids were abused by the mom. All of a sudden, we stopped seeing them, but I didn't learn the reason until years later. My parents did help the 3 kids through the years though. I have no clue where my cousins and those 3 kids are now. Linda in Kansas
ReplyDeleteWow, very interesting Linda. That's one thing I've learned through the years, my own family was hardly unique when it came to this stuff. As for Beth's husband, yes he did go to jail!
DeleteI am so sorry that you two just missed seeing each other and didn't get to form a relationship. You sounded so much like you were both on the same page. The irony of your being so close distance wise I know hurts. One great gift computers give us is to be able to find the "rest of the story," if sometimes too late.
ReplyDeletePatti... I wish I could hug you. Thank you very much you always say the right thing. 🙂♥️
DeleteThe what ifs and the wondering are the hardest things ever, Doug. My dad's family was like that--great people and I wish we had stayed in better touch because a few cousins on my mom's side are crazy. Literally.
ReplyDeleteThank you Margaret, and so true about the what ifs! When I first learned about my cousin Kim in 2015, it drove me a little batty. I decided I wouldn't blog about it, until I found these pictures of Aunt Lois and Kim last night. I feel better now about things, I'm just so happy I found these photos. 🙂
DeleteHow unfortunate that you missed meeting up with your cousin Kimberley in all those years of close proximity. And your poor cousin Beth being murdered! Sure hope her ex-husband got a lengthy prison sentence. Doug, your Mom's family certainly had it's share of grief. Since you carry half of those genes, be extra nice to yourself.
ReplyDeleteFlorence, thanks very much my dear friend. (I admit I'm a little curious where Beth's ex is today, if he's even still alive. I know he was a lot older than her, and that was 35 years ago.). As for Kimberly, at the very very least I got to see her warm smile again with this recent found photo. 🙂
DeleteNice recollection. I'm pretty sure we all think about those family members more than they believe we do. Too bad we don't act often enough, or fast enough. But I'm sure she would be happy with this post.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tom, that was nice of you to say. :^)
DeleteI'm sorry that your aunt's family lost contact when their mother died. I wonder, would it have been a painful reminder of the woman they had lost? Or perhaps their father wanted to keep them away? In any event, it's sad that you and Kim weren't able to reconnect as adults especially as you were living so close by.
ReplyDeleteThose are good questions Maebeme, it could've been any of these things you said. I appreciate you reading this & sharing your thoughts.
DeleteI know nothing of my parents' families or lives. My mum was an only child and dad had two brothers and that's all I know. from the family tree book mum made for me, I know there are aunts and cousins in Sweden, on her side, but there is nothing to my dad's side. I do keep in touch with my siblings, but not as much as I could, and I am encouraging my own children to keep in touch with each other as the family, and their families, grow.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for encouraging your children River, I really think people need to do that more. I'm sorry you don't know more of your own roots... not an uncommon thing.
DeleteGrowing up, my cousins seemed like brothers and sisters to me... we saw each other pretty often - always at each other's houses. Once grown - not so much since we all married and moved away. The funny thing is that all of them ended up back in New Orleans (but me - still in Texas). I do miss them, but we all stay in touch - by phone, email, or text. And I go to New Orleans at least once a year (except for this stupid pandemic) to visit and catch up. Since my own sister and brother passed away years ago, I really find I need my cousins. They are the only ones around that have a memory of our childhood. Family is important, Dug... so glad you have pictures.
ReplyDeleteRian, this was so nice to read thanks for sharing! I know family has always played a big part in your life, but I didn't know to this extent. That's wonderful how you keep in touch. I admit, I'm not good at it.. the older I get, the more hermit I become.
DeleteThis is such a sad tribute to Lois and her kids. In spite of it all, family is more important than friends. Friends come and go, but family is permanent. Reach out to them. Maybe, they'll respond.
ReplyDeleteThanks Gigi... I agree about some family, but my Aunt Lois older kids were complete strangers 50 years ago, there's no way I'd reach out to them now... but I still wish them well :^)
DeleteIt literally took my breath away for an instant when opening the blog today. Gosh what an emotional moment. Beautifully truthfully written too. Where did you find this picture of Aunt Lois and Roy? What you wrote means so so much to me that I can't put into words! Gosh a gift.
ReplyDeleteThanks very much Shawn, glad you appreciated it. To be honest, I can't find the link. I was looking up info on 'Mom's mom' and found a couple legacy links with pics of Aunt Lois & cousin Kim.but nothing else but their names. It honestly took my breath away too.
DeleteGosh... I've lost touch with a lot of the cousins on my father's side. I'm grateful I still have a close contact with two of the cousins on Kauai. We text all the time which means so much to me. On my mother's side, I know most of them and definitely keep in contact with those living on the island and a few in Japan. I'm the oldest (and maybe bossiest) so I make it a point to try to touch bases with those who are left.
ReplyDeleteDoug, I wish you'd contact those other cousins by your Aunt Lois. I'll bet they'd love to hear from you. You'll never know for sure unless you try. And oh my gosh... Beth. That is so tragic! I'd love to see a post from you about whether or not you're able to find them.
Thanks Kay, and that's terrific how you keep in touch with most of your relatives. And too funny about you being the bossiest! On my end, I really can't imagine contacting my aunt's kids who are still alive, what I would say, why I was doing it. Maybe Cindy who was the youngest one and I knew vaguely..
DeleteHmmmm.... Could you just tell them that you were thinking about their mom and wondered how they all were? And perhaps mention gratitude that your mom felt toward their mother? If they don't answer... well... that's that, but at least you will have tried.
DeleteKay, maybe one of them (Cindy), the other 2 I never met and just wouldn't feel comfortable.. I have done things like this before (with old friends) and to be honest, regretted it in a couple instances.
DeleteUh oh... I wrote you a message earlier, but it might have gone into your spam box.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't go to spam Kay! I wasn't on my computer last night 🙂
DeleteYou might want to contact what relatives you can as they do dwindle in number the older you become. Growing up there were so many family members its hard for me to realize there are virtually none left now. At least i do have my children and grandchildren, a childless niece — her brother long ago ceased contact. I did locate and contact a distant cousin over 90 years now I had seen only once for a memorable Christmas in Wisconsin during WWII, but he showed no interest in maintaining contact. . He didn’t remember; had lost contact with his own brother who never responded to me either when I tried to contact him in Arizona.
ReplyDeleteThis was sad but still interesting to read, thanks for sharing Joared. Wow about the one cousin and no contact since WWII, I applaud you for reaching out. I don't see myself doing it, but if someone reached out to me, I'd welcome it.
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