I saw on the news recently where the Suicide Hotline has a new number now, similar to 911 for Emergencies. It’s 988, and it’s a pretty wonderful thing.
At the same time, I can’t help but feel we need an A&P Hotline for folks 60 & above who are living in some discomfort, but also live alone (or maybe bent the ears of friends or family a little much already)—the Aches n’ Pains Hotline.
I suppose the Hotline would be manned by volunteers, my only request is that these volunteers also be 60 or older. I’m looking for a sympathetic ear, not someone who’s doing eye-rolls on the other end or responding to my A&Ps in a condescending or patronizing manner!
A&P: Hello, A&P Hotline. What ails you?
ME: Hey A&P.. oh I shouldn’t be bothering anyone with this, the last couple weeks have just been a little rough, that’s all.
A&P: That’s what we’re here for—go ahead, I’m listening.
ME: Well, yesterday I had a pretty bad gallstone attack. They never last longer than 2-3 hours, but it’s my third attack this month. It’s been a couple years since I’ve dealt with these, so I’m hoping they go away like before.
A&P: My sister-in-law had gallstones, she had to have her gallbladder removed!
ME: I hope it doesn’t come to that! Anyway, that’s the least of my problems. A few days ago, I began experiencing TMJ issues—jaw disorder pain in my left jaw again. Ugh it scares me.
A&P: You had it before?
ME: Yes, a more severe case in December 2018 after getting oral intubation during kidney surgery. It lasted over two years and I wound up being involuntarily committed after an opioid overdose.
A&P: Heavens! What do you suppose brought it back?
ME: I don’t know, I think a combination of stress and too much jaw crunching—eating hard things. A couple weeks ago I bought a very pricey chair online that wasn’t what I expected, and it took 15 calls to Wayfair to get things sorted out and returned. It was a thousand dollars, I’m still waiting for a refund.
A&P: And what kinds of hard things have you been eating?
ME: Well, the first week of July I went on Amazon to buy a veggie chopper and a milk bottle brush. Amazon said “You’re just $3.75 away from qualifying for free shipping.” So I looked around and added a box of Belvita Breakfast Biscuits to my Amazon cart for $3.88.
When I got my order a few days later, they didn’t send me a box of those biscuits—they sent a CASE! So I’ve been doing more than my share of munching and I think they’ve really aggravated my jaw muscles.
A&P: I enjoy those Belvitas myself, but they’re more like dog biscuits than cookies! You should have a cup of hot coffee nearby for dipping. That and a soft piece of fruit makes a fine breakfast.
ME: Okay, thanks I’ll do that.
A&P: Will an over the counter medicine like Advil help your jaw pain? They do wonders for my back.
ME: I can’t take Advil or even aspirin for that matter. I’m on two meds for hypertension and Advil makes my blood pressure skyrocket!
A&P: What about Tylenol then? I’ve read it’s not good for the liver in the long-term, though.
ME: I’ve read that too. But I don’t think a couple would hurt on occasion.
A&P: Okay, great! Now don’t forget my suggestion for enjoying those Belvita Biscuits, take care now!
ME: I will, thanks A&P!
