Forgive me, I’m old—here’s 33 reasons why I prefer calling you Miss (and seeing you in pants)

Saturday morning I went downstairs to get my mail, saw I had a shuffle of envelopes and thought “no one else is down here, maybe I’ll just have a seat while I look through these.” 

As I’m sitting there, an attractive younger woman entered the lobby and walked over to the package table and began peering closely at the various labels.

She was wearing a tank top, flip-flops—and panties with little flowers & birds on them.  She had her smartphone with her (God forbid she forget that) and was staring at it when she caught me staring at HER.  I shook my head & said “Oh I’m sorry Miss, I wasn’t thinking.” 

She laughed & said “That’s okay!  And you don’t have to call me Miss, I’m 33 (years old).” 

After she left, I shook my head again.  What happened to the days when you put on pants before going out your front door?  Do I sound old fashioned?  I like to think of myself as a progressive person, but… she was in her underwear! 

I decided to come up with a list of 33 reasons why I know I’m old.  Here we go:

1. Your pretty underwear embarrassed me more than anything.  Weren’t you embarrassed too?   

2. Smartphones bore me.  And apps on your smartphone that doctor your selfies with things like cat ears & whiskers are so OVER.  (Right??)

3. I can’t get into Instagram.  Photos with captions & emoji-laden comments under every snapshot is a lame & superficial way to communicate. 

4. I remember when Facebook was new & exciting, both for old people & young.  Now it’s just another corporate shill and a soapbox for friends & family to let you know how backwards or awful some of them really are.

5. Speaking of corporate shilling, I remember when TV aired commercials you WANTED to watch:  Coke’s “I’d like to teach the world to sing”, Dr.Pepper’s “I’m a Pepper you’re a Pepper”, those McDonald’s men in paper caps singing “You deserve a break today.”  If I was in another room, I’d come running. 

Now all I see are commercials for prescription drugs, smartphone plans & Nutrisystem.  But I mostly watch CNN & MSNBC, so…

6. Speaking of Nutrisystem, every time I see their CGI’ish spokesperson Marie, I think “Gee, I miss Marie Osmond.”  (You know, the real one.)

7. I miss subscribing to magazines like TV Guide & Playboy.  “But Doug, those magazines are still around!”  Yes, but they’re no longer necessary or relevant.

8. I miss when ABC Television, Marvel Comics & Star Wars (LucasFilm) were their own great companies.  Now they’re all pawns of Disney.  Disney!

9. I miss having a closet full of suits because my job once required me to wear them.  I miss carrying a hard briefcase too.  It said something.

10. Speaking of working, I remember when white collar jobs meant wearing a necktie.  Wait, I have no room to talk.  I stopped wearing them too in 2005.

11. I miss pantyhose on women.  Not colored stockings, nude hose.  (I know, if I was a woman I wouldn’t be saying that… but I’m not a woman!)

12. I miss UFOs, ESP, reincarnation, astral projection & the Bermuda Triangle.  They’re still around I suppose, but no longer part of the national conversation.

13. I miss Gilda Radner & Madeline Kahn.  Madeline died in 1999 and I still can’t believe she’s gone.

14. I miss the days when everyone owned a phone.  “But Doug, you have a phone!”  No, I have a LANDLINE and I’m a little embarrassed to admit it.

15. Speaking of phones, I remember when answering one and not knowing who it is was the norm.  “Hello?”  Now both my tv & phone flash their name.  “Hey Erin.”

16. I remember going to a friend’s house and looking at their record collection.  We all had record collections.

17. Speaking of collections, I miss collecting movies.  Now you’re just seen as quaint if you do.  “Haha!  Doug—these aren’t even Blu-Rays!”

18. I remember being wowed by movies.  Movies don’t wow me anymore.

19. I miss having a bunch of friends to hang out with.

20. I miss sleeping in because I forgot to set my alarm clock; now I’m up after 5 ½ hours whether I like it or not.

21. I miss having hairy legs.  The hair on my legs all fell out several years ago.

22. I miss Coke.  I gave up drinking it regularly 3 years ago, now I only have one on special occasions.  The last Coke I had was a year ago on my sister’s birthday.

23. I also miss crunching into an apple, or biting into a steak.  My worn jaw can’t handle either and never will again.

24. I miss getting excited about Christmas.  Now I just find the whole idea of it… tiring.

25. I miss Christmas cards too, I used to send and receive 35-40 of them.  Now I’m lucky to get 6-7.

26. I remember when Superman fought for “Truth, Justice & the American Way”  and I believed those 3 things were one & the same.

27. I remember the days when the only emoji was a yellow smiley-face.  And it wasn’t called an emoji, it was called a smiley-face.

28. I also remember when mass shootings were uncommon and truly shocking, not just another day of the week in the good ol’ NR of A. 

29. I miss having a pocket transistor radio.  With one earbud.

30. I miss No.2 pencils.  I can’t remember the last time I wrote something down with a pencil.

31. I miss doodling.  I used to lay on my stomach on the floor and draw when there was nothing on TV.  (Now it hurts to do that—and there’s always something on tv.)

32. I miss writing letters.  On paper.  And mailing them.  I used to write a lot of letters, and often added hand-drawn comic strips to them.

33. I miss giving old people a polite, curious smile as they rambled on about things I didn’t know or give a crap about.  Now I’m the older person doing the rambling, and younger people are smiling at me!

As I’m posting this on the 7th, I wanted to use the occasion to wish my mom a Happy Birthday.  She would’ve been 79 today.  She left us 15 years ago.

Mom, I miss you most of all.