When the skeletons in your closet are found in someone elses closet instead

Okay, this is strange but true, and just plain weird.  For the last few years, on the very rare occasion I would run into Carl (the oldest resident of the building who lives on the first floor) he’d say “Hey, I’ve got something for you.”  I’d say “Oh okay, what is it?”  and he’d say “It’s in my place, I’ll bring it up.”

And of course, he never brought it up.  

I only see him a few times a year, so it’s not a regular thing but it’s been going on for awhile.  And then finally, a couple nights ago, there’s a knock at my door.  It’s Carl, holding a white “Priority Shipping” box.

He says “I don’t remember when I signed for this, but it was awhile ago and someone said you were gone and I put it in my front closet.”

I’m surprised, when Carl said he had something for me I assumed it was a personal item, like his red MAGA cap (that I joked once I’d be happy to take off his hands).  I tell him it’s okay, thanks for signing for it in my absence.  After he goes, I examine the box.  It’s sealed up pretty tight, with no return address.

I bring it into the kitchen and slice open the top, and there’s a “0.00 Due” invoice inside, dated 07/02/20.  This is written across the bottom of the invoice. 

Doug, Fog-Man here.  I’m officially out of business!  I’m distributing what’s left of my inventory to my favorite customers, I have all your favorites here!  Accept this shipment with my compliments.  Mark

Under the note is a solid square of bubble wrap.  As I begin stripping away the wrap, I can smell a VERY familiar aroma—peach, menthol, tobacco.  Now I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, I know what this is.  It’s e-liquid, for vaping. 

I added a recent copy of TV Guide to prove the photo is a new one

There must be $500.00 of juice here, probably enough to vape 3 years.  (The larger bottles last 3 months or more each—the smaller bottles around a month.)

I never dreamed I’d see this stuff again; I’m coming up on my third year anniversary of quitting e-cigs, probably the hardest thing I did in my life. 

When Mark (aka Fog-Man) sent this nearly 3 years ago, I know exactly where I was.  I was locked up at UPMC McKeesport Behavioral Health Center after overdosing on opioids.  I wrote about it here.  I overdosed because I’d spent the previous 2 1/2 years living with tremendous pain from my TMJD, which had spread throughout the upper half of my body.  

I’m 99% sure I developed that TMJD from years of vaping.  I quit smoking cigarettes in 2008 and was absolutely miserable until vaping came along.  It was very different, you were “sipping steam” instead of inhaling smoke—but that steam was laced with nicotine. 

(And even with the amount of nicotine in the stuff, that steam didn’t aggravate your throat like cigarette smoke did.  So you could pretty much vape all day, and that’s precisely what I did.)

When they locked me away on July 4, 2020 (and stripped me of everything I had, including a couple of e-cigs in my pocket) they slapped a nicotine patch on my arm every morning to help with the withdrawal. 

When they released me a week later, I made a beeline for the drugstore, bought a couple boxes of patches, enough to last a month.

Then I came home and threw out every bit of e-cig paraphernalia I could find, along with a big bottle of juice and 2-3 smaller ones.  And then shook & sweated for 2 months.  I felt like a real junkie, I suppose I was. 

And now this stuff is back in my house again, enough for years.  I wish my brain would stop tingling with excitement.

FRIDAY UPDATE:  It’s gone!  I packed it back up, tore my name & address off the top and took it up the street this morning to a vape shop I’d seen by the dollar store.  There were 2 twentysomething guys behind the counter, and when I asked if they could dispose of some old e-juice, they said sure. 

When I opened the box, one whispered “Oh man!”  I said “I don’t know if this stuff goes rancid, but it’s been sitting in a closet for 3 years.”  The taller clerk said “I’m not going to sell it but I won’t lie, we’ll probably try these out before we get rid of it.”  

Hope they don’t wind up like this character below, no more skeletons please.