Silly but True Stories, Vol. 4: My sister Shawn, cavemen & their wives, and The Pill

Recently I came across this photo of my sister Shawn & myself, from September 1974.  It took me back to the summer of 1974, when Shawn came up to me one day and said "Guess what--Mom is going to have the talk with me about the birds & the bees."  I was intrigued, went to Mom and asked why Shawn was getting "The Talk".  

Mom said "Your sister is becoming a young woman, and will have to deal with things soon that you boys don't have to worry about."  I said "Why can't I know what it's all about?  I'm going to be 13 in 3 months."  

Mom said "Your dad was supposed to have that talk with you a year ago--maybe you forgot it."  I said "There was no talk, that's not something I'd forget!"

Mom yelled towards the kitchen, where Dad was reading the paper.  "Don, Doug says you never had the talk with him!  You said you were going to do that a year ago!"  

Dad yelled back "I thought the boy could learn it the same way I did, in the streets!"

Mom said "You're full of %#@$, do you know that?  What streets!  You grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and look where your son is now!"   

Dad said "Okay Liney, cool it!  I'll tend to it!"  Mom said "Never mind!  I do everything around here anyway!"

I said "Mom, shouldn't I learn this stuff from a man?"  Mom said "Probably, but you'll be thirty before your dad gets around to it.  You're better off learning it from me anyway, go get your sister."

After Mom, Shawn & myself were settled in the living room, Mom said "Do either of you know where babies come from?  How they wind up in a mother's stomach?"  Shawn shook her head no, I said I had a pretty good idea.  Mom said "Explain it to me."   

I said "Well, when the husband and wife decide they want a baby, the husband gives his wife 'The Pill', then kisses her on her stomach before they go to sleep."  

I don't know where I came up with that, but if you remember the early 70's, "The Pill" was everywhere--the nightly news, talk shows, magazine covers, even sitcoms.  I knew it had to do with women making babies, but that's all.

Before Mom could say anything, Shawn said "Doug, what about cavemen?  Do you think cavemen gave their wives a pill?"   I'll never forget that, because it was like someone dumped a bucket of cold water on my head.  She was right of course and what was I thinking?  I felt like such a dope!

That's when Mom told us the man takes his you-know-what and puts it you-know-where.  But she left out the good parts involving foreplay and arousal, and I remember saying "He has to squish it in there?  Does he have to use something like a spoon?  That doesn't sound very pleasant."  Mom said "Well, when you're older you'll figure it out."  I said no, I didn't think so.  

I asked "What does the man and woman do next?  Stare at each other until they fall asleep?"  Mom said "No, they usually kiss. But they can talk if they want to."  I asked how long it took, Mom said it depends, a half hour or so.  I said "How do they know when they're done?"

I will never forget this:  Mom said "God lets them know."  Shawn said "Does He talk to them?"  Mom said "Not so much in words.  He puts a feeling of happiness in their minds."  I said I would love God to put that feeling in my mind, when school started I was going to start looking for a wife right away.

Mom said "Don, you'd better talk to your son!"  She told me to go find Dad, she wanted to talk to Shawn alone now.  I have to say her version was pretty lacking, but I never forgot it.  And Dad never did have the talk with me.  I can't remember how I wound up learning, can you?