Friday, September 4, 2020

Take my antagonizer, please (really… what would you do?)

In the classic Star Trek episode ‘Mirror Mirror’, Captain Kirk and his officers are on a planet, beaming up to their ship when their transporter beam is caught in an ion storm.  Their atoms are pulled into a parallel universe where they materialize on another Enterprise.

How do they know they aren’t where they’re supposed to be?  Well, for starters they’re greeted by a pretty sinister looking Mr. Spock, who’s sporting a goatee and instructing the transporter chief to hand over his personal agonizer.  “No Mister Spock—it wasn’t my fault!  Aargh!!”

(On this parallel Enterprise, the crew are forced to carry their own torture devices—yikes.)  Anyway, this “agonizer” episode has been coming to mind a lot lately, namely whenever I encounter Betty, a resident in my apartment building.  She’s MY personal agonizer—well, more like antagonizer—and right now I’m wondering what to do about her.  Help her or kill her.

Okay, I made a promise to myself (and to people who read my blog) a year ago that I wouldn’t talk maliciously of my neighbors… I just can’t believe how much one of them is getting to me and NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

This all began a couple years ago.  While the younger residents in my building keep to themselves, the older ones want to know you, especially if you’re of the retired type.  I was befriended by one--Betty (a widow, 70 years old) who somehow got it into her head I was a widower like her, Catholic, and a conservative. 

It took me awhile to learn this though, and once I set the record straight I was none of those things (and only went to Assumption Catholic Church on Fridays for their fried fish), everything changed.  She couldn’t seem to talk to me without sounding snarky.  This is just in the last week:

MARYLOU:  Doug is it true that management painted an accent wall in your apartment and it didn’t cost you anything?

ME:  Yep, you just have to choose one of their 3 colors:  Honey Mustard, Green Apple or Summer Suede.

BETTY:  Whoa, funny how you remember those fancy names!  Most men just call paint by their color!

Here’s another:

OPAL:  Doug, would you like a pumpkin scented candle?  My daughter got me a real pretty one but it’s making my cat crazy.

ME:  Haha—um, no thanks Opal.  I’m not into scented candles… guess it’s a man thing. (wink)

BETTY:  You have to guess when it comes to man things?  That doesn’t surprise me!

I just shake my head, roll my eyes.   Oh Betty… how I want to throttle you.

Anyway, earlier this week several of us were sitting outside on our building’s stoop getting a little sun & talking about the latest Trump lunacy, when one (Mary Lou) said she wished she could vote in this election, but she wasn’t registered (her husband used to say it was how they tagged you for jury duty).  Another admitted she never registered either, and my friend Mary Bean said she meant to, but it was too late now.  

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I said I was called for jury duty a few years ago, and it was an exciting experience.  (I wrote about it here.)  I added that it wasn’t too late to register, they could do it from home (online) but it takes a couple weeks to get your registration card, so they’d have to do it soon.

I asked “Do you ladies have a computer?”   All three smiled and said no.  Wow.  I said I could help, and both Marys thanked me and said okay. 

Sure enough, word got back to Betty who confronted me downstairs this morning and asked who elected me mayor of the building.  I smiled but didn’t say anything.  She said “Does that offer of yours extend to everybody?  Because I want a mail in ballot.”  I said I guessed so, and she said “Good then you can help me.  But if I were you, I wouldn’t ask who I’m voting for.”  

Aarrgh!!

12 comments:

  1. Hilarious! But, hey, at least you aren't lonely. And it's nice to have female neighbors.

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    1. Haha, thanks Gigi.. and no, doesn't get lonely here unless you want to be alone! I just have to figure out what I'm going to do about Betty, because I dont want to help ANYBODY vote for trump.

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  2. Don't let Betty agonize you, Doug! If she says something meant to demean, ask her what she means by it! Sounds like she has been getting away with stuff way too long!

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    1. Thanks Florence, well its never bothered me enough to say something but it's giving me the incentive to NOT help her vote either, that's for sure. I just can't do it, can't help anyone vote for Trump, esp her.

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  3. Hi Doug! I'm glad I followed you back to your blog, which eluded me the first time I tried to find it. I'm signed up to receive your missives now. Maybe you could help Betty vote by mail and then encourage her to vote again, meaning both of her ballots would be thrown out. I heard about this somewhere, I can't remember where (wink). :-)

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    1. Hi DJan! Wow I’m honored you visited my goofy blog here, I’m a big fan of your “Eye on The Edge”! Anyway, your comment here caught me off guard and made me laugh out loud—haha, your suggestion is perfect. Well, I haven’t seen Betty since early yesterday so I’m very much hoping she finds someone else to help her cast that terrible vote –or votes! Thanks again DJan ;-)

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  4. Funny, but . . . makes me glad I don't live in my old condo anymore where I had many nice neighbors, but there were always one or two who were just a little bit too close and too much in our business.

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    1. Thanks Tom--well, you just summed up things in my own building quite well. More & more, I'm feeling the need to step back a little. I don't want to be mayor... :)

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  5. Hey I know Doug try doing a "Nomad" on poor Betty who sounds like shes gone a little barmy - so like Nomad's reaction to an unusual situation was Error, Error, must analyze, I am Nomad, you are the creator, the Kirk unit, the special one, Must Analyze Data, A-N-A-L-Y-Z-E (I am the Kirk Unit?) Yes you are the one the Creator, the Kirk Unit.... YOU ARE WRONG! Jackson Roykirk is the Creator, You are flawed and imperfect! Nomad, You did not notice your mistake!!! Execute ur prime function and self terminate, lol

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    1. Hahahaha!! Spacer you deserve some kind of special Commenter's Award, I really laughed out loud over this!

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  6. Oh yikes! Your Betty is really a piece of work. Not a good piece, either.

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    1. Haha thanks Kay--that gave me a good chuckle! I actually wrestled with this (whether I should help Betty or not) before deciding not to.

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